Sexual Attraction - Addiction or Intimacy?Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Megan asked following questions in one of our phone sessions: “Over and over, when I’m really attracted to a man and I sleep with him fairly early in relationship, I discover that he is not good husband material. What am I doing wrong? Am I just attracted to wrong kind of men?”
This is a frequent question from my single women clients.
“Megan, many men know how to project sexual energy in a way that arouses women. These men define their worth by their sexuality and by their ability to attract woman. They know just how to sexually ignite a woman - it’s an energy that they are putting out that goes right into your genitals and makes you think that something real and important is happening. But they are operating from a sexual addiction rather than from caring or intimacy.”
“So what should I be doing when I feel that powerful sexual attraction?”
“You need to be telling yourself that this feeling doesn’t mean anything – that it’s just an energy that is being projected onto you but has nothing to do with love, intimacy, caring, or marriage. Real, long-lasting relationships take time to evolve. If you feel sexual upon first meeting someone, there is a good possibility that this man just wants a sexual encounter with you rather than a real relationship with you. My suggestion to you is to not have sex early in a relationship, even if you are very attracted.”
“Well, when do you have sex?”
“When you feel emotionally intimate. When you trust each other and really care about each other’s wellbeing. When you know that feelings are not just sexual, and that sexuality is coming from emotional intimacy rather than from a sexual addiction. Why not wait until there is a commitment to relationship and to learning and growing with each other? How often have you slept with a man that you were really attracted to and then had relationship not work out?”
“More often than I’m willing to admit. This is what keeps happening. So are you saying that I should also go out with men that I’m not immediately attracted to?”
Creating Balance In and Unbalanced WorldWritten by Lynne Kaska
The Importance of Creating Balance in Your Life
Balance is a topic that is of great concern in my life. How many of you feel that you are being pulled in 50 different directions every day of your life? The kids are fighting, your husband needs your time, you haven’t seen your parents in two weeks and they are requesting to see you, boss gave you a deadline for a huge project, and you haven’t even thought about doing laundry, or going to church. Don’t worry you aren’t alone. I think that everyone feels at some point that their life is out of balance. Everyone feels that at some point in their life they are like a master juggler.
For me, when looking at creating balance in my life, there are several different areas that I have to look at. I call this exercise Wheel of Life. By doing this exercise, it will help you identify what is important to you, what would improve areas that aren’t a 10 on a scale of 1-10 and it will help you come up with intentions to help you design a balanced life.
First, I want you to draw a circle. Then divide it in half, and in half again, keep drawing it in half until you have eight equal pieces of pie. I want you to label each of sections as follows: fun/entertainment, home environment, family/friends, health and well being, spiritual, career/education, personal growth, intimate relationships. Now I want you to think about each category for a minute. In category of fun/entertainment, rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 and write it in circle, 1 being least fulfilling and 10 being most. Do same with each category. Once again, I want you to take a few minutes to think about each category. What in each category would make it a 10? Now in each category you have something that you want to create more of in your life. From this, you can create what are called intention statements. I’m going to use my home environment as an example. Having my own apartment that was safe and secure was what was lacking in my home environment. From that I created and intention statement that says, “My intention is to create a safe environment that feeds my soul.” Go ahead, you can do it. I want you to come up with at least one intention statement for each category.