Sequnned Suits & Platform BootsWritten by Sharon Jacobsen
Fancy coming up to my bedroom? There isn’t a chair but bed’s comfy. You can lie down on it if you like but take pink nylon bedspread off first or my ol’ lady’ll go bananas and knock you for six!
So what do you think then? Do you like my room? I'm a teenager now y'know - you’ll find no daft kittens on my wallpaper, thank you! Oh no, those huge orange and pink flowers are very modern, especially as they’re teamed with a bright pink nylon carpet and orange curtains. But have you noticed ceiling? Every other polystyrene ceiling tile’s painted orange. Is that cool or what?
So now you’re here, what do you fancy doing? Oh, you want to look in my wardrobe? Hmmm… there are a few “embarrassments” in there, but they’ll probably be stuffed at back so you won’t see them and hopefully I’ll have something there to impress you with. How would I live with shame if you thought my clothes weren’t trendy?
It’s quite a nice wardrobe isn’t it? Notice agreeable combination of white and teak formica? And what do you think of those funky looking V-shaped brass look knobs? Yes, I realise that some of brass colour’s flaking off and you can see plastic underneath, but on whole it’s nice, don’t you think?
I’m just gonna have to move this whopping great velvet donkey out of way or I won’t get wardrobe door open. My uncle went to Spain y’know, on one of those package tours that are all rage at moment. Went on a plane he did, and brought me back this donkey. It’s stuffed with straw and its plastic eyes come out but we’re not fussed about safety standards and all that so I was dead chuffed with it. There’s a little flamenco lady on dressing table, if you’re interested. Be careful not to mess up her dress though.
Sorry? What did you say? Oh, you’re still waiting to see my gear! I’ll just get some out for you and chuck ‘em on bed. Those striped tank tops are nice aren’t they? The brown, orange and yellow one’s really nice, but purple and pink one’s my favourite. I usually wear it with this pink suede mini skirt. Mind you, lurex is all rage at moment, so I wear these black and silver bell-bottoms quite a bit too, usually with this black satin blouse and my white leather-look Donny Osmond cap. Not that I like Donny Osmond, but cap’s cool. The trousers look a bit long but that’s because they’re made to be worn with platform shoes. Mum says I’ll break my ankle wearing ‘em, but if she thinks I’m gonna wear those awful Clark’s t-bar shoes she bought me, she’s got another think coming. Oh look, my old red bibbed hotpants! I’d almost forgotten I had those. They’ve kind of gone out of fashion a bit now, but I lived and died in them last summer. To be honest, I’m trying to persuade my mum to buy me a mohair tonic skirt. Y’know, that iridescent material that’s all go at moment? My mate’s got a suit, but I know I won’t get that so a skirt’s gonna have to do. I’ll need a Ben Sherman to go with it though.
I’ve got some t-shirts and things in my dressing table drawers, and if you like, you can have a look through my make-up bag. The glitter eye shadow’s pretty cool, especially purple one. If you can’t find it on dressing table it’ll be on floor next to my hairdryer. Y’know, one of those with a huge plastic hood that fills up with warm air when you attach it to blower. I used to wish my mum would buy me a proper hairdryer though, cos getting your hair to flick under at bottom with one of those isn’t easy y’know, but since I had my hair cut in a DA (duck’s arse - so named because of layering at back) I don’t really use it much.
Oh, careful! You just knocked my jewellery box down. It’s mostly tat but I like chokers, especially royal blue velvet one with a cameo stuck on front. I wear mood ring sometimes too.
Writing Fiction to Get RichWritten by Michael LaRocca
WRITING FICTION TO GET RICH Copyright 2004, Michael LaRocca
Some of us write simply because we can't not write. Ideas grab us, move us, and demand to be written. We strive to make it as real as we possibly can, to improve at our craft every day, hopefully to make it into realm of literature as well as entertainment. We want to craft an entire world where places and people are so real that reader doesn't feel like he's reading a book as much as he is going to another place. In lofty world of literature that we strive for, reader will still think about book after reading that last page. It's our gift to reader, something to take with him. Given sufficient skill, this can even happen long after we are dead.
Then we learn that doesn't sell. Oh, there are exceptions. Some novelists make a living by consistently writing quality literature. But, there are quite a few best sellers who have no such goals. They write for money, and they make it.
Even writer who has written great literature has trouble marketing it that way. We have to look at our "target audience." Who will buy this book? Let me see, our heroine survived spousal abuse, so there's an audience. There's a suicide, so we can get bereavement crowd. Where's setting? We can get a local audience. The hero's a cop. Maybe teen boys will go for that. Nah, too light on action. But there's a romance. Maybe we'll market to romance readers. Give hero bedroom eyes and pass him off as a romantic hero. Yeah, that might work.
But if you want to write to get rich, even that's not enough. Nah, time to think about your reader is before you write book, not after.
Throw in lots of gratuitous sex, preferably extramarital. One (and only one) character who flirts and is sorely tempted and walks away from "love" to remain true to his wife.
Use taboo words for shock value. Ram, hump, scream, oral sex, voluptuous, female orgasm (the great revelation). Make sure a lot of your leads enjoy sex. Horny women are a good way to pull in readers you want. We all know men are horny, but most of your readers haven't discovered that some women enjoy sex too. Tell them this. Give female readers a balm for their consciences and male readers someone to dream about.