Robert Elias Najemy

Situation & Lessons No.1

Anna does whatever she is asked to do even when she doesn?t want to do it.

Feeling mistreated, she grumbles, complains and bursts out in anger every so often because of her accumulated resentment. Although she feels suppressed, she finds it impossible to say "No".

She is afraid people will not love her anymore, that they will reject her if she refuses to do what they request of her. She believes their "love" for her is based solely on prerequisite that she comply with their every wish.

Her family members have gotten used to seeing Anna in this role, and now take it for granted that she will do anything they ask of her. Even though she complains, plays role of victim, and frequently declares she will do no more, they do not hear this because her actions never follow her words.

She has often threatened to stop doing whatever they ask, but has never once refused. She does not know how. She is afraid she will loose their love. Also, she receives feelings of self-worth from being "victim," "martyr," "good person" who is done injustice to, who has no time for her own personal needs.

Her husband and children could easily love her even if she didn?t do all she does, but they have simply gotten used to this situation and have found easy solution is to let Anna do everything, especially in home. The truth is that in spite of all her complaints and threats, she has never confronted them with this matter in a clear and effective manner.

Until one day...

Then one day she thinks, "What kind of love is this which depends on whether I suppress myself, have no needs and do whatever they ask of me? This is not love but bartering. I barter my freedom, needs and self-respect for their acceptance and ?love?. I will start expressing my needs and will say ?Yes? only when I really feel it. Whoever really loves me will continue to do so."

Anthony plays role of "the savior." He feels responsible for just about everyone?s reality. He believes he must rescue them and keep them well and happy. . He feels he has failed in his "role", and cannot rest, as long as someone he feels responsible for is not well and happy. Others easily use or control him by making him feel responsible for fact that they are not well or happy.

When he is with others, he has difficulty identifying his own needs. In this role "others? needs are more important than his." He avoids expressing needs that would prevent others from getting what they want. Playing savior often causes him to become "victim" of those he is trying to "save."

He is so preoccupied with other people?s problems that he seldom recognizes or confesses his own.

His family, however, complains that he gives more time to solving other people?s problems than theirs. He does care about his family, but receives greater satisfaction of recognition and self-worth from solving others? problems.

He often feels used, tired and resentful that he spends so much time on others while they rarely reciprocate. He worries about others and becomes stressed about their situations and difficulties. He advises them and he tries to control them, exerting pressure on them (for "their own good," or to "prevent them making a mistake" and thus possibly ruining his "results").

He criticizes and rejects others when they make mistakes or when they do not follow his directions or orders. He gives advice even to those who do not ask for it and feels disappointed when they do not follow it. He attracts to himself people with problems and rejects himself for not being able to "save" them.

He finds it difficult to confess or express his weaknesses, needs, fears or his own problems. He fears, that in doing so, others will see his faults and lose respect for him.

As a child, he was programmed to believe he was responsible for his siblings, a role his mother had also played.

Some beliefs that engage him in this role are: