Self Suppression

Written by Robert Elias Najemy

Self Suppression

Robert Elias Najemy

Situation & Lessons No.1

Anna does whatever she is asked to do even when she doesn?t want to do it.

Feeling mistreated, she grumbles, complains and bursts out in anger every so often because of her accumulated resentment. Although she feels suppressed, she finds it impossible to say "No".

She is afraid people will not love her anymore, that they will reject her if she refuses to do what they request of her. She believes their "love" for her is based solely onrepparttar prerequisite that she comply with their every wish.

Her family members have gotten used to seeing Anna in this role, and now take it for granted that she will do anything they ask of her. Even though she complains, playsrepparttar 126279 role ofrepparttar 126280 victim, and frequently declares she will do no more, they do not hear this because her actions never follow her words.

She has often threatened to stop doing whatever they ask, but has never once refused. She does not know how. She is afraid she will loose their love. Also, she receives feelings of self-worth from beingrepparttar 126281 "victim,"repparttar 126282 "martyr,"repparttar 126283 "good person" who is done injustice to, who has no time for her own personal needs.

Her husband and children could easily love her even if she didn?t do all she does, but they have simply gotten used to this situation and have foundrepparttar 126284 easy solution is to let Anna do everything, especially inrepparttar 126285 home. The truth is that in spite of all her complaints and threats, she has never confronted them with this matter in a clear and effective manner.

Until one day...

Then one day she thinks, "What kind of love is this which depends on whether I suppress myself, have no needs and do whatever they ask of me? This is not love but bartering. I barter my freedom, needs and self-respect for their acceptance and ?love?. I will start expressing my needs and will say ?Yes? only when I really feel it. Whoever really loves me will continue to do so."

At first, Anna was not comfortable with saying "no" and found herself saying it rather defensively and aggressively. Also, she had suppressed herself for so many years, that she now wanted to do very little of what was asked of her. She perceived each request as an infringement on her freedom.

The Roles of Parent, Savior, Teacher and Super-responsible

Written by Robert Elias Najemy

You may see someone you know in Anthony ? perhaps even yourself.

Anthony playsrepparttar role of "the savior." He feels responsible for just about everyone?s reality. He believes he must rescue them and keep them well and happy. . He feels he has failed in his "role", and cannot rest, as long as someone he feels responsible for is not well and happy. Others easily use or control him by making him feel responsible forrepparttar 126278 fact that they are not well or happy.

When he is with others, he has difficulty identifying his own needs. In this role "others? needs are more important than his." He avoids expressing needs that would prevent others from getting what they want. Playingrepparttar 126279 savior often causes him to becomerepparttar 126280 "victim" of those he is trying to "save."

He is so preoccupied with other people?s problems that he seldom recognizes or confesses his own.

His family, however, complains that he gives more time to solving other people?s problems than theirs. He does care about his family, but receives greater satisfaction of recognition and self-worth from solving others? problems.

He often feels used, tired and resentful that he spends so much time on others while they rarely reciprocate. He worries about others and becomes stressed about their situations and difficulties. He advises them and he tries to control them, exerting pressure on them (for "their own good," or to "prevent them making a mistake" and thus possibly ruining his "results").

He criticizes and rejects others when they make mistakes or when they do not follow his directions or orders. He gives advice even to those who do not ask for it and feels disappointed when they do not follow it. He attracts to himself people with problems and rejects himself for not being able to "save" them.

He finds it difficult to confess or express his weaknesses, needs, fears or his own problems. He fears, that in doing so, others will see his faults and lose respect for him.

As a child, he was programmed to believe he was responsible for his siblings, a role his mother had also played.

Some beliefs that engage him in this role are:

1. I am responsible for others? reality. 2. Without me, others cannot progress - cannot be well. 3. It?s my fault if others are not well. 4. If I am not able to create a perfect reality for them, I have failed in my role and am not worthy. 5. If others are not happy with me, I have failed and I am not worthy. 6. If others do not trust me, I am not worthy. 7. If others do not listen to me, do not obey me, do not follow my advice, I am incapable in this role and I am unworthy. 8. If I am no good in my role, I will not be respected and will be unworthy of their esteem. I will end up alone and will be in danger. 9. If I am not in control of things around me, anything can go wrong. I cannot trust others. If I am not in control, I am in danger. 10. If I show weakness or need, or if I have vices, I am in danger because: a. I will be rejected, unwanted, and in danger. b. My weaknesses will be used as a means to hurt me. 11. I am worthy only if I am inrepparttar 126281 position of authority, i.e. teacher, savior, parent. Only then can I feel safe and secure. 12. If I am needed (as a teacher, parent, savior), I will not be abandoned. I will not be alone. Some beliefs which can free him from this role:

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