Robert Elias Najemy

Part 3 of a 5 part series on creating a Positive Life Outlook

Some fear that if we accept ourselves as we are, that we will have no motive to improve ourselves.

There is a small possibility that self-acceptance might cause a few people to loose interest in self-improvement. In most cases, however, it opens door towards natural change and self-betterment.

Contrary to what many think, self-acceptance is usually a prerequisite to moving beyond aspects of our selves which we would like to leave behind.

It is as if that aspect which we want to change is another person whom we are rejecting and asking to be different. They will usually resist and become even more deeply entrenched in behaviors we would like to them to change.

The same seems to happen when we reject aspects of ourselves. Those tendencies or "sub-personalities" tend to resist letting go of their ways of functioning and behaving. Thus, we often delay our freedom from such undesired habits or characteristics when we reject them or ourselves for having them.

Say for example, we smoke or eat or drink too much. Or we might tend towards aggressiveness, jealousy, anger, fear or other unwanted emotions. We might prefer to be more assertive and dynamic in achieving our goals.

Rather than reject ourselves for what we would like to change, a much more effective approach is to:

1. Accept that undesired aspect of ourselves as a natural evolutionary response to various stresses, disappointments, difficulties, and challenges we have encountered until now in our lives. We have developed these habits and tendencies as an attempt to "protect" our selves from "dangers" or to "relax" from our tensions.

2. Learn to understand these aspects of our being. They are parts of us, which deserves our love and acceptance as it is. We need to understand what those parts of ourselves are actually seeking through those behavior. They might be seeking security, affirmation, freedom or perhaps release of tension.

Our "aspects" or sub-personalities can search for security in money, food, relationships, sex, smoking, coffee or even through conflict. We have been programmed to doubt our security and self-worth and to fear for our freedom and to seek them at times in strange and sometimes self-destructive ways.

Thus second step is to understand these parts of ourselves and realize how they feel and what they need.

Robert Elias Najemy

Part 1 of a 3 part series

We present you with a brief outline of some basic points necessary to tend to in order to create a harmonious and loving relationship.

INNER PREPARATION

Internal preparation is prerequisite for developing maturity necessary to succeed in creating a conscious loving union with our love partner. (Although we are discussing here specifically romantic love relationships, most of what is being said is also useful for other relationships.)

a. Clarify Values, Needs, Life Style:

The more mature we are when we enter a relationship, more likely we are to succeed in finding harmony we desire. In general, we attract persons who correspond to our present stage of interests, motives, values, goals, etc. This occurs through attraction of similars and also opposites. As we ourselves mature and become more aligned to our true selves, we will attract people who are aligned to our true needs and goals.

We would do best to begin a process of self-knowledge and determine what we really want out of life. We need to clarify our values, needs and preferred life style. Having done so, we will then attract a partner with whom we can share whatever is important to us.

b. Learn to love yourself:

If we do not believe we are lovable, it is unlikely we will attract a mate who will abundantly express love to us. We attract those who will reflect to us very same feelings we harbor for ourselves. Even if other does not reject us, we will frequently project or imagine that he or she is doing so.

We exhaust our partners with our need for continuous reaffirmation of their love. When we doubt our self-worth, we easily fear losing other?s respect, admiration and love. We fear losing other to someone else. We then become negative, possessive, jealous and often so overbearing that we suffocate other until he or she does actually leave or develops various protective mechanisms, such as aloofness or aggressiveness.

When we doubt our self-worth, our need to be accepted and affirmed by our partner often causes us to deny our own feelings, needs, beliefs and values. We try to become who we believe other wants us to be. We cannot bear for other to be dissatisfied or angry with us. We are afraid we are at fault or that other will leave us.

c. Develop Inner security.

If we believe that we are not safe alone in world without our partner, we are denying our real selves, our real power, and our spiritual nature.

I have heard a number of women confess that they have stayed with their husbands, who were cheating on them for years, not because they loved them, or believed they would ever change, but because they feared being alone, especially economically. These women are bartering their self-respect and happiness for a false sense of security.