-- SHAMELESS SANTA SLIDERS --

Every year Ho-Ho-Ho-ing chap in red tunic with white whiskers gets inundated with some pretty balmy questions.

So this year, I asked him if he wouldn't mind responding to twenty-five odd, obscure, and some might even say downright obtuse queries. Needless to say, he was delighted to have a chortling chinwag with me by satellite phone from his nippy ice-fishing hut at North Pole.

Readers who understand value of milk and milk products plus high fibre diets also know we all pay a price for being part of animal kingdom, perhaps more so during holiday season. So, what's this got to do with price of tea in China? Well, allowance should probably be made for those with vagrant airs not to mention a healthy tongue-in-cheek attitude to Life, an uncertain Universe, and Everything absurd in between.

WARNING: For readers unable to make adjustments that are dietary, linguistic, psychological and cultural in nature, please avoid reading following shameless sliders, big whoppers, and unmitigated, unmuffled freeps -- more than likely emanating from a jolly, red-necked, foot-in-the-mouth fellow (probably wearing a plaid shirt, red long-johns, and a pair of bright yellow suspenders).

1. What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?

Hmmm…better ask frazzled folks in Notrees (Texas), Mushaboom (Nova Scotia), and Hookey's Waterhole (Australia) -- they still believe Santa Claus will find them if they use smoke signals from blazing barbecues, outdoor cooking stoves, and hot coals from campfires.

2. Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone else?

The short answer is no…everyone at North Pole thrives on carrots and brussel sprouts, 57 blubber recipes, plus a weekly serving of fish and chips, supplemented by Girl Guide Cookie or Hostess Twinkie treats -- a perfectly balanced diet for pleasingly plump parents and a lean pack of elves with attitude.

3. How does Santa get down chimney when fire is going?

We’re back to those blessed chimneys are we?!*… Santa wears a fire-retardant suit silly!

4. How does Santa’s huge body fit through those itsy-bitsy chimneys?

What's with f***** chimneys again? Okay if you really must know, Santa presses his "Mighty Magic Midget Button" on his red tunic faster than you can shake a stick or something.

5. What exactly are ‘reindeer games’ anyway?

Are you over 18, in good health, and seeking a pleasurable companion for a night out?

6. Why does Santa visit people only once a year?

There’s a clause in Fairy Godmothers' Union contract stipulating that in event of a decision by Santa to visit more frequently, there will be hell to pay from a whole host of hissy-fitters not to mention a hopping mad Easter Bunny.

7. Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts?

The Man From Glad naturally -- 'cause his PVC-bag full of goodies won't break!

8. Does Santa get paid?

By that do you mean in spiritual sense (you know warm and fuzzies), or in a pragmatic sense ($6.50 per hour less deductions for union dues, pensions, disability insurance, health and dental care benefits, taxes and voluntary charitable donations)?

9. What kind of car does Santa drive during off-season?

Actually, Santa enjoys perks of a chauffeur-driven, gas-guzzling, air-conditioned stretch limo with plush leather interiors and an automatic sliding sunroof, plus a full bar service, satellite-TV, a DVD player with surround-sound, not to mention tinted shatterproof glass and kid-proof door-locks. On occasion he has been known to drive a Harley-Davidson (without a helmet) in order to save environment but more importantly, he just gets a kick out of feeling wind blow through his long, curly locks of silver hair, bushy eyebrows, not to mention his handle-bar, white moustache and matching trimmed whiskers.

10. Why is Rudolph’s nose so red?

Perhaps he had a run-in with Frost-Bite Fairy, who knows. Besides, Santa doesn't tattletale on anyone, not even reindeers. ...By way, why are you more interested in complexion of a hoofer rather than shooting breeze with me, if I may be so bold as to ask?

11. Why do we wrap Christmas presents so beautifully only to have others rip off paper?

Watch a blue movie or two, then you’ll probably figure out answer all by yourself!

12. If Santa has a weight problem, why do we leave him milk and cookies? Shouldn’t we leave him a salad and water?

Look, there’s nothing wrong with having lots of love handles. Besides, I think you’re getting me mixed up with an alternative-lifestyle Easter Bunny who’d be only to pleased to smoke your weeds and walk on water, if it would make you and your friends happy.

13. How come all standard Christmas songs you hear on radio are sung by dead people?

Whoa, they haven’t all croaked yet. According to "Santa’s Good Time News Service", Elvis was spotted just last week crooning, “Blue Christmas” at a rock'n'rolling retirement community in Bootlegger Crossing, Arizona!

14. Isn’t it a worry that Santa is an anagram of Satan?

At least Santa and Satan know what’s “red” hot and what’s not. God probably has more to worry about in anagram department than Santa or Satan. After all, he dislikes being called “man's best friend” and getting blamed for piddling on a fire-hydrant not to mention someone's parade.

15. If a wise woman had come to Nativity, she would have brought diapers, wouldn’t she?

HO HO HO MEMORANDUM

TO: All employees

FROM: The Management

DATE: December 2, 2004

RE: Reducing Unintended Consequences of Getting into "The Holiday Spirit"

Following recommendations from SHE (our Safety, Health and Enviromental committee), HE (our Helpful Employees Committee) and FUN (the Federation of Undemonstrative Nations), measures outlined below will be implemented immediately thus ensuring our compliance with guidelines established by FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Ordinance & Leisure Industry Council) designed to reduce unintended consequences of getting into "The Holiday Spirit".

1. Santa shall be required to wear a red, fire-retardant, loose-fitting suit with white reflector tape accessories, and a red fire helmet at all times while on premises.

2. Employees shall refrain from testing seating capacity and weight-bearing strength of any red-suited person in authority requesting subjects sit on his/her lap.

3. All nutcrackers are now forbidden on premises as these items have been identified as a potential security risk and safety hazard in hands of untrained personnel (better known as those with one too many or unaccounted for, loose screws).

4. Fruitcake, shortbread cookies and mince tarts shall be consumed before expiry date on packaging and only in designated areas such as parking lots, as it has been determined that crumbs attract undesirable pests including but not limited to cookie monsters, horrible hobgoblins, overbearing ogres, testy trolls and wicked witches not to mention placing excess demands on management (drones), non-union, multi-tasking, light-housekeeping office personnel (queen bees) and unionized heavy maintenance staff (worker bees).