Written by Theolonius McTavish

Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.


Every yearrepparttar Ho-Ho-Ho-ing chap inrepparttar 118122 red tunic withrepparttar 118123 white whiskers gets inundated with some pretty balmy questions.

So this year, I asked him if he wouldn't mind responding to twenty-five odd, obscure, and some might even say downright obtuse queries. Needless to say, he was delighted to have a chortling chinwag with me by satellite phone from his nippy ice-fishing hut atrepparttar 118124 North Pole.

Readers who understandrepparttar 118125 value of milk and milk products plus high fibre diets also know we all pay a price for being part ofrepparttar 118126 animal kingdom, perhaps more so duringrepparttar 118127 holiday season. So, what's this got to do withrepparttar 118128 price of tea in China? Well, allowance should probably be made for those with vagrant airs not to mention a healthy tongue-in-cheek attitude to Life, an uncertain Universe, and Everything absurd in between.

WARNING: For readers unable to make adjustments that are dietary, linguistic, psychological and cultural in nature, please avoid readingrepparttar 118129 following shameless sliders, big whoppers, and unmitigated, unmuffled freeps -- more than likely emanating from a jolly, red-necked, foot-in-the-mouth fellow (probably wearing a plaid shirt, red long-johns, and a pair of bright yellow suspenders).

1. What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?

Hmmm…better askrepparttar 118130 frazzled folks in Notrees (Texas), Mushaboom (Nova Scotia), and Hookey's Waterhole (Australia) -- they still believe Santa Claus will find them if they use smoke signals from blazing barbecues, outdoor cooking stoves, and hot coals from campfires.

2. Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone else?

The short answer is no…everyone atrepparttar 118131 North Pole thrives on carrots and brussel sprouts, 57 blubber recipes, plus a weekly serving of fish and chips, supplemented by Girl Guide Cookie or Hostess Twinkie treats -- a perfectly balanced diet for pleasingly plump parents and a lean pack of elves with attitude.

3. How does Santa get downrepparttar 118132 chimney whenrepparttar 118133 fire is going?

We’re back to those blessed chimneys are we?!*… Santa wears a fire-retardant suit silly!

4. How does Santa’s huge body fit through those itsy-bitsy chimneys?

What's withrepparttar 118134 f***** chimneys again? Okay if you really must know, Santa presses his "Mighty Magic Midget Button" on his red tunic faster than you can shake a stick or something.

5. What exactly are ‘reindeer games’ anyway?

Are you over 18, in good health, and seeking a pleasurable companion for a night out?

6. Why does Santa visit people only once a year?

There’s a clause in Fairy Godmothers' Union contract stipulating that inrepparttar 118135 event of a decision by Santa to visit more frequently, there will be hell to pay from a whole host of hissy-fitters not to mention a hopping mad Easter Bunny.

7. Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts?

The Man From Glad naturally -- 'cause his PVC-bag full of goodies won't break!

8. Does Santa get paid?

By that do you mean inrepparttar 118136 spiritual sense (you know warm and fuzzies), or in a pragmatic sense ($6.50 per hour less deductions for union dues, pensions, disability insurance, health and dental care benefits, taxes and voluntary charitable donations)?

9. What kind of car does Santa drive duringrepparttar 118137 off-season?

Actually, Santa enjoysrepparttar 118138 perks of a chauffeur-driven, gas-guzzling, air-conditioned stretch limo with plush leather interiors and an automatic sliding sunroof, plus a full bar service, satellite-TV, a DVD player with surround-sound, not to mention tinted shatterproof glass and kid-proof door-locks. On occasion he has been known to drive a Harley-Davidson (without a helmet) in order to saverepparttar 118139 environment but more importantly, he just gets a kick out of feelingrepparttar 118140 wind blow through his long, curly locks of silver hair, bushy eyebrows, not to mention his handle-bar, white moustache and matching trimmed whiskers.

10. Why is Rudolph’s nose so red?

Perhaps he had a run-in withrepparttar 118141 Frost-Bite Fairy, who knows. Besides, Santa doesn't tattletale on anyone, not even reindeers. ...Byrepparttar 118142 way, why are you more interested inrepparttar 118143 complexion of a hoofer rather than shootingrepparttar 118144 breeze with me, if I may be so bold as to ask?

11. Why do we wrap Christmas presents so beautifully only to have others rip offrepparttar 118145 paper?

Watch a blue movie or two, then you’ll probably figure outrepparttar 118146 answer all by yourself!

12. If Santa has a weight problem, why do we leave him milk and cookies? Shouldn’t we leave him a salad and water?

Look, there’s nothing wrong with having lots of love handles. Besides, I think you’re getting me mixed up with an alternative-lifestyle Easter Bunny who’d be only to pleased to smoke your weeds and walk on water, if it would make you and your friends happy.

13. How come allrepparttar 118147 standard Christmas songs you hear onrepparttar 118148 radio are sung by dead people?

Whoa, they haven’t all croaked yet. According to "Santa’s Good Time News Service", Elvis was spotted just last week crooning, “Blue Christmas” at a rock'n'rolling retirement community in Bootlegger Crossing, Arizona!

14. Isn’t it a worry that Santa is an anagram of Satan?

At least Santa and Satan know what’s “red” hot and what’s not. God probably has more to worry about inrepparttar 118149 anagram department than Santa or Satan. After all, he dislikes being called “man's best friend” and getting blamed for piddling on a fire-hydrant not to mention someone's parade.

15. If a wise woman had come torepparttar 118150 Nativity, she would have brought diapers, wouldn’t she?

If I'm not mistaken there were several signs hanging onrepparttar 118151 front door ofrepparttar 118152 Inn: "No Vacancy", "No Admission Under Any Circumstances", and one in even bigger, bolder letters -- “Wise Woman Not Welcome – Go Away!”... and your point was?


Written by Theolonius McTavish

Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.


TO: All employees

FROM: The Management

DATE: December 2, 2004

RE: Reducingrepparttar Unintended Consequences of Getting into "The Holiday Spirit"

Following recommendations from SHE (our Safety, Health and Enviromental committee), HE (our Helpful Employees Committee) and FUN (the Federation of Undemonstrative Nations),repparttar 118121 measures outlined below will be implemented immediately thus ensuring our compliance with guidelines established by FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Ordinance & Leisure Industry Council) designed to reducerepparttar 118122 unintended consequences of getting into "The Holiday Spirit".

1. Santa shall be required to wear a red, fire-retardant, loose-fitting suit with white reflector tape accessories, and a red fire helmet at all times while onrepparttar 118123 premises.

2. Employees shall refrain from testingrepparttar 118124 seating capacity and weight-bearing strength of any red-suited person in authority requesting subjects sit on his/her lap.

3. All nutcrackers are now forbidden onrepparttar 118125 premises as these items have been identified as a potential security risk and safety hazard inrepparttar 118126 hands of untrained personnel (better known as those with one too many or unaccounted for, loose screws).

4. Fruitcake, shortbread cookies and mince tarts shall be consumed beforerepparttar 118127 expiry date onrepparttar 118128 packaging and only in designated areas such as parking lots, as it has been determined that crumbs attract undesirable pests including but not limited to cookie monsters, horrible hobgoblins, overbearing ogres, testy trolls and wicked witches not to mention placing excess demands on management (drones), non-union, multi-tasking, light-housekeeping office personnel (queen bees) and unionized heavy maintenance staff (worker bees).

5. Snickering-Sybaritic Santas (SSSs) and Red-Nosed Reindeers (RNRs) if found consuming illegal substances onrepparttar 118129 job shall be escorted immediately off site byrepparttar 118130 Engaging Enforcement Elves (EEEs), as such conduct has been linked to unhealthy respiration and transpiration of office plants, inexplicable computer network crashes, and causing havoc withrepparttar 118131 smooth operation of industrial machinery.

Cont'd on page 2 ==> © 2005
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