Humor: Revised: We are Going to Live on Mars

Revised: We are Going to Live on Mars

Written by Arthur Zulu

Good news is hard to come by these days. But alas there is one. Man will soon be living on repparttar red planet Mars.

The Journey started on a good foot. The space rocket Spirit successfully landed on repparttar 118219 planet. It began photographing and digging up Mars and sending messages back to repparttar 118220 earth that will soon be vacated. And there is back slapping and clicking of glasses as we drink our wines. And we pray for Spirit and her sister rocket, Opportunity, to discover water (we need it badly) and perhaps some damned microorganisms hidden in rocks.

That is repparttar 118221 first phase of this Martian expedition. The next stage will be a manned flight by two dare-devil astronauts, who will be willing to make history by taking repparttar 118222 two-month long trip. In order to make repparttar 118223 trip exciting, repparttar 118224 astronauts would first have to set camp on repparttar 118225 moon. Yes, they would really have to take off from repparttar 118226 moon to Mars. (This is not fiction.) And then after several successful flights and mapping of Mars, model houses would have to be built ahead of repparttar 118227 Martian exodus. But why you may ask, are we migrating to Mars?

The first reason is that terrorists have taken over this " hell" of a place called earth, and nobody is safe anymore. Even if you were living on repparttar 118228 tallest building or hiding in a cave. Cave? That is repparttar 118229 worst. Because all repparttar 118230 terrorists are now living under repparttar 118231 mountains and spider holes in repparttar 118232 bushes far from repparttar 118233 prying eyes of cameras and secret agents.

The other reason is that there is so much crime on this earth. Think of repparttar 118234 murderers, repparttar 118235 robbers, and repparttar 118236 rapists. Too many guns! Too many bad people. Someone has either been murdered, robbed or raped as you read this. If that person is not you, give glory to God.

Additionally, this earth has been polluted beyond any saying of it. The seas have been turned into sewers, toxic wastes dot repparttar 118237 land, while fog have taken over repparttar 118238 atmosphere. So you can see that this earth is no longer safe for habitation.

Religious fundamentalists are not even helping matters. These preachers of hate encourage their followers to go about with knives hidden under their robes and bombs strapped to their waists with repparttar 118239 intent to kill repparttar 118240 'infidels' and get a one-way ticket to heaven. And since there are so many heaven lovers, repparttar 118241 ‘infidels' who are dwelling on earth have no place to hide. So these are repparttar 118242 reasons why we must all vacate earth and go to live on Mars.

But make no mistake about it. It will be easier for a camel to pass through repparttar 118243 needle's eye than for you to get visa to Mars. Because there would be physical, mental, and moral security checks since no social psychopath would be needed on Mars.

Marriage, Hollywood Style

Written by Stephen Schochet

Britney Spears' rapid walk down repparttar

aisle and subsequent annulment continued a long line of wild marriages in Tinseltown. The legendary union that began it all was between Silent Film Icons Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford. Beneath repparttar 118218

glamorous veneer was a troubled relationship. The agile and athletic Fairbank's idea of a good time was walking fifty yards on his hands on repparttar 118219

beach. Or having pool party contests to see who could hold their head underwater repparttar 118220

longest. He loved hitting baseballs with Babe Ruth, playing tennis with Bill Tilden and sparring with Jack Dempsey. He would never use a door if he could climb through a window or walk around a park bench if he could jump over it. The dashing matinee idol who did his own stunts in movies like The Mark Of Zorro (1920) and Robin Hood (1922), wrote journals advising children how to stay physically fit. Conversely, Mary Pickford's idea of a good time was sitting around repparttar 118221

Pickfair mansion getting bombed out of her mind by noon. Fairbanks, whose father had given him many lectures on repparttar 118222

evils of drink, frowned on her inebriation and that led to their divorce. She outlived him by forty years.

If a couple has different levels of tolerance for mind altering substances, repparttar 118223 marriage is likely to be short-lived. Two years before his breakout role in Easy Rider (1969) struggling actor Jack Nicholson was finding too little time to spend with his wife Sandra Knight. They went to see a marriage analyst who suggested they both take LSD. While Sandra found repparttar 118224 experience terrifying, repparttar 118225 always experimenting Nicholson felt that repparttar 118226 drug trips opened a whole new world of exploration. After his marriage ended, repparttar 118227 often moody and withdrawn actor continued to get high during his working relationship with repparttar 118228 out of control Easy Rider star Dennis Hopper. The film's producers had hired Jack to be a calming influence, fearing that Hopper was going blow all their money and kill co-star Peter Fonda. One morning while filming in Taos, New Mexico, Jack and Dennis woke up in a tree and neither could remember how they got there.

Sometimes even a little partying is too much. When Dean Martin announced that he was divorcing his wife Jeannie he joked," She'll get repparttar 118229 house. Doesn't matter. I could never find it anyway." One sore point during their union was Dean's unwillingness to have any company over, his main concern was getting up early to play golf. One time Martin reluctantly acquiesced to his wife's request to have a social gathering at their house. At ten pm Dean excused himself and went upstairs to his room. A half hour later Jeannie knocked on his door," Dean come out! The police are here." An apologetic officer explained that they had received several calls about another loud obnoxious party at repparttar 118230 Martin household. "But we never have parties," said Jeannie. "Never mind that Jeannie. You heard repparttar 118231 officer. OK, everybody out." The next day after rising early and playing a nice round of golf, old Dino confessed to her that he had made repparttar 118232 phone calls using several different voices.

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