Relationships with Abusive Narcissists - Part I

Written by Sam Vaknin


What kind of a spouse/mate/partner is likely to be attracted to a narcissist?


The Victims

Onrepparttar face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who typically "binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes. The initial phases of attraction, infatuation and falling in love are pretty normal. The narcissist puts on his best face –repparttar 131113 other party is blinded by budding love. A natural selection process occurs only much later, asrepparttar 131114 relationship develops and is put torepparttar 131115 test.

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist indicates, therefore,repparttar 131116 parameters ofrepparttar 131117 personality ofrepparttar 131118 survivor. She (or, more rarely, he) is moulded byrepparttar 131119 relationship into The Typical Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse.

First and foremost,repparttar 131120 narcissist's partner must have a deficient or a distorted grasp of her self and of reality. Otherwise, she (or he) is bound to abandonrepparttar 131121 narcissist's ship early on. The cognitive distortion is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself – while aggrandising and adoringrepparttar 131122 narcissist.

The partner is, thus, placing herself inrepparttar 131123 position ofrepparttar 131124 eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important torepparttar 131125 partner to appear moral, sacrificial and victimised. At other times, she is not even aware of this predicament. The narcissist is perceived byrepparttar 131126 partner to be a person inrepparttar 131127 position to demand these sacrifices from her because he is superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally, morally, professionally, or financially).

The status of professional victim sits well withrepparttar 131128 partner's tendency to punish herself, namely: with her masochistic streak. The tormented life withrepparttar 131129 narcissist is just what she deserves.

In this respect,repparttar 131130 partner isrepparttar 131131 mirror image ofrepparttar 131132 narcissist. By maintaining a symbiotic relationship with him, by being totally dependent upon her source of masochistic supply (whichrepparttar 131133 narcissist most reliably constitutes and most amply provides) –repparttar 131134 partner enhances certain traits and encourages certain behaviours, which are atrepparttar 131135 very core of narcissism.

The narcissist is never whole without an adoring, submissive, available, self-denigrating partner. His very sense of superiority, indeed his False Self, depends on it. His sadistic Superego switches its attentions fromrepparttar 131136 narcissist (in whom it often provokes suicidal ideation) torepparttar 131137 partner, thus finally obtaining an alternative source of sadistic satisfaction.

It is through self-denial thatrepparttar 131138 partner survives. She denies her wishes, hopes, dreams, aspirations, sexual, psychological and material needs, choices, preferences, values, and much else besides. She perceives her needs as threatening because they might engenderrepparttar 131139 wrath ofrepparttar 131140 narcissist's God-like supreme figure.

The narcissist is rendered in her eyes even more superior through and because of this self-denial. Self-denial undertaken to facilitate and easerepparttar 131141 life of a "great man" is more palatable. The "greater"repparttar 131142 man (=the narcissist),repparttar 131143 easier it is forrepparttar 131144 partner to ignore her own self, to dwindle, to degenerate, to turn into an appendix ofrepparttar 131145 narcissist and, finally, to become nothing but an extension, to merge withrepparttar 131146 narcissist torepparttar 131147 point of oblivion and of merely dim memories of herself.

The two collaborate in this macabre dance. The narcissist is formed by his partner inasmuch as he forms her. Submission breeds superiority and masochism breeds sadism. The relationships are characterised by emergentism: roles are allocated almost fromrepparttar 131148 start and any deviation meets with an aggressive, even violent reaction.

The predominant state ofrepparttar 131149 partner's mind is utter confusion. Evenrepparttar 131150 most basic relationships – with husband, children, or parents – remain bafflingly obscured byrepparttar 131151 giant shadow cast byrepparttar 131152 intensive interaction withrepparttar 131153 narcissist. A suspension of judgement is part and parcel of a suspension of individuality, which is both a prerequisite to andrepparttar 131154 result of living with a narcissist. The partner no longer knows what is true and right and what is wrong and forbidden.

The narcissist recreates forrepparttar 131155 partnerrepparttar 131156 sort of emotional ambience that led to his own formation inrepparttar 131157 first place: capriciousness, fickleness, arbitrariness, emotional (and physical or sexual) abandonment. The world becomes hostile, and ominous andrepparttar 131158 partner has only one thing left to cling to:repparttar 131159 narcissist.

And cling she does. If there is anything which can safely be said about those who emotionally team up with narcissists, it is that they are overtly and overly dependent.

The partner doesn't know what to do – and this is only too natural inrepparttar 131160 mayhem that isrepparttar 131161 relationship withrepparttar 131162 narcissist. Butrepparttar 131163 typical partner also does not know what she wants and, to a large extent, who she is and what she wants to become.

These unanswered questions hamperrepparttar 131164 partner's ability to gauge reality. Her primordial sin is that she fell in love with an image, not with a real person. It isrepparttar 131165 voiding ofrepparttar 131166 image that is mourned whenrepparttar 131167 relationship ends.

The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is, therefore, very emotionally charged. It isrepparttar 131168 culmination of a long chain of humiliations and of subjugation. It isrepparttar 131169 rebellion ofrepparttar 131170 functioning and healthy parts ofrepparttar 131171 partner's personality againstrepparttar 131172 tyranny ofrepparttar 131173 narcissist.

The partner is likely to have totally misread and misinterpretedrepparttar 131174 whole interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship). This lack of proper interface with reality might be (erroneously) labelled "pathological".

Online Resources for Working Women who Juggle Family, Career and Home

Written by Cheryl Rickman

Working mothers work longer hours Approximately 47% ofrepparttar UK workforce is now made up of women, with 12 million employed, according torepparttar 131112 Labour Force Survey fromrepparttar 131113 Office of National Statistics. Andrepparttar 131114 employment figure is rising by approximately 20,000 every two months. 41% of these women are working mothers with dependant children (4.9 million), and it is these women that increasingly have to juggle work and home, career and family.

According to a recent government-backed research programme intorepparttar 131115 future of work, working mums work longer hours than they did ten years ago; on average an additional 2.5 hours a week are spent working compared torepparttar 131116 early 1990s. These findings have caused Shirley Conran, author of Superwoman, to advise women to go on a baby strike and stop having children for ten years because there’s not enough support for mothers.

Fortunately, women needn’t take such evasive action as there are plenty of resources onrepparttar 131117 Net that can help working mothers and female entrepreneurs to maximise their time, findrepparttar 131118 perfect childcare solution, get help from virtual assistants and business/web advice.

Here are a pick of some ofrepparttar 131119 best resources online for working women today.

TIME MANAGEMENT / WORK-LIFE BALANCE The leader in work-life balance training. This site sellsrepparttar 131120 ‘Juggling Woman’ series of booklets: ‘107 winning ideas on returning to work and ‘99 helpful hints in understanding teenagers’. How to manage your time effectively article How to manage your time effectively article imemgmt.htm Time management tips and time log ime.html Time management tips An service that enables you to get help from specific experts. Jackie Hale isrepparttar 131121 Time Management expert. How to getrepparttar 131122 most from your time Time management seminars Demonstrates how work-life policies can be introduced on a practical basis. Work-life balance booklet from Healthworks. Has some useful articles on juggling work and life. Flexible recruitment consultants who support work-life balance Free book provided by DTI. Articles on work-life balance and resources for mums.

OUTSOURCING AND VIRTUAL ASSISTANTS Business services outsourcing marketplace Professional services marketplace Freelance database Provides administration and support services to businesses and individuals. International Virtual Assistants Association V-sec secretarial services Virtual assistance UK The Virtual Assistant Virtual Assistant Community Virtual Assistant/Office Professionals Virtual Assistants Australian Virtual Assistants Virtual Assistance Executive virtual assistance. Help available to cushionrepparttar 131123 impact

BUSINESS AND INTERNET RELATED ADVICE New government initiative with useful information relating to business and e-commerce Better Business magazine online Does exactly what it says onrepparttar 131124 tin :) Includes internet statistics, outsourcing and more Lobbying body for SMEs Factsheets for SMEs, including tax self assessment and other information. Inland Revenue Self Assessment Free guides and worksheets The Sunday Times Enterprise Network Online business development directory and more In-depth site appraisals and personalised web promotion plans and press releases, to save you time and optimise web performance. Online marketing resource centre

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