Title: Relationship Deal-breakers Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 802 Category: Relationships

Relationship Deal-breakers By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

In 37 years that I have been counseling couples, I have discovered that there are only a few issues that are true relationship deal-breakers. Many of issues that tear relationships apart are not actual deal-breakers. Rather, most divorces and breakups are result of one or both partner’s unwillingness to learn from conflicts that exist in all primary relationships. But some conflicts and differences are actual deal-breakers.

HAVING CHILDREN

Early in my career as a psychotherapist, I worked with Mary and Cal. Mary and Cal met when Mary was 38 and Cal was 47. Cal had been married before and had two adult children, while Mary had never been married. Cal made it very clear to Mary that he did not, under any circumstances, want more children. Mary seemed to accept this, but secretly hoped to change Cal’s mind once they were married.

A year after they were married, Mary brought up issue of having children. Cal was appalled. He felt angry, trapped and betrayed by Mary’s secret hope, as well as by her dishonesty. Mary begged and pleaded, hoping Cal’s love for her would soften his position. But he stayed committed to his decision not to have any more children.

This situation has a very sad ending. Mary was devastated. She loved Cal, but having children was actually extremely important to her. She didn’t want to leave him and she couldn’t let go of wanting a child. The stress of situation eventually eroded her immune system and she died of ovarian cancer of few years after bringing up baby issue.

I learned a lot from Mary and Cal’s experience. I learned that baby issue is a deal-breaker. It is not healthy for someone who really wants a baby to give that up, and it is not healthy for someone who does not want a baby to go along with having one. This deep and basic issue needs to be dealt with head-on, early in a relationship, before people move ahead with commitment and marriage.

WORK

People’s lives are getting increasingly busier and more tightly scheduled so that’s where Save Date announcements come in handy. You want to make sure that your guests, especially family and close friends, keep date of your wedding open when planning their schedules. To ensure this, you’ll want to consider sending out Save Date notices shortly after you have set your wedding date, especially if it’s several months in future or around a holiday.

Proper etiquette doesn’t dictate that these advance notices have to be sent but in today’s world it helps your guests in their planning so they can be sure to be with you sharing in celebration of one of most important days of your life. If you do decide to send them out, you are not required to send them to every one of your guests but you’ll probably want to at least include close family members and friends. Guests who will have to travel to be in attendance will find them especially helpful for giving them plenty of travel preparation time particularly if you are having a destination wedding.

It’s easy to be creative when sending out your Save Dates since there are so many different varieties and designs available.