I’m EQ Coach, it’s true, but that doesn’t mean I know all there is to know about emotional management – it’s a lifelong proposition; and it doesn’t mean my emotions don’t give me a ride for their money – remember, 2 of our 3 brains don’t take orders.

I study emotional intelligence all time, both intellectually and in interaction with my clients who are working on theirs, and through wonderful people who take my seminars and workshops. We learn together, and I’m oh so glad for what I’ve learned about emotional awareness and management. I reminded myself many times of tenets of emotional intelligence during Christmas, and it was very helpful.

Resilience

This Christmas was especially joyful for me, and also very heart-rending. I’m preparing my house to sell. No big deal, you say? As we say in field, it isn’t what’s happening, it’s what it means to you. This is home I raised my children in as a busy single parent. It’s also lifelong home of my son who died, at 21, in 1999. For months I couldn’t touch his room, as happens to many parents who lose their children. My coach, bless her, told me to move up to Dallas to be near my surviving son. How could I? His smell was still in his room. New painting and carpeting have removed this last earthly reminder of him, though I suppose it was long gone, and I packed up things of his I’ve kept, preparing for move. There are lots of memories in this house.

Intentionality

At same time, my older son and his family are coming from Dallas to spend this Christmas me – our last in this house. I asked myself many times what my intentions were, to remind myself. I had a choice. I could either give into sorrow completely, or I could stuff it down and slap on a happy face. What would an emotionally intelligent person do? She would experience all emotions as they come and go, feeling pain, feeling joy, and celebrating Christmas.

My intention was to enjoy last Christmas in this home, with happiness in way Dr. Seligman, guru of Optimism, means it. There is happiness from pleasure, goodness and meaning, he says, and only one of these necessarily involves what we call “positive emotions.” The Life of Pleasure, we’re all familiar with – from sugar cookies, to orgasms, to new toys. The Good Life, he says, is getting in touch with your strengths, knowing them and crafting your work, love, friendship, leisure and parenting to use these for flow in your life. The Meaningful Life, on other hand, involves using these strengths in service of something you believe is larger than you are.

I also intended to establish a budget and stay within it. This is a very emotionally intelligent thing to do if you want to enjoy months after Christmas. If you do, there are no reparations to make!

Meaningful Life

Intentionality also means focusing on task at hand and not being distracted. And Learned Optimism means avoiding downward spiral. The happy, smiley, ebullient cheerful affect, which psychologist’s call “positive affectivity” is inherited he says, and has a normal distribution. This means about half of us have it, and rest of us don’t. It is not, therefore, associated with anything but what you’ve been born with. Interesting.

Further, he adds, amount of pleasure in life you have does not add to life satisfaction.

My intention, then, was to experience this last Christmas in this house to fullest. This meant I was able to take my granddaughter to church Christmas pageant. My son who died used to sing with San Antonio Boys Choir. He had voice of an angel. One special memory is year Choir accompanied SA Symphony and Houston Ballet, singing chorus of Snowflakes at end of Act I. I drove a carload of boys down for rehearsals, and amidst usual young-boy activities, one of other of them would start singing haunting melody. It’s meant for young boy voices. My granddaughter sang it to me in car on way to church. Life is bittersweet; emotions are bittersweet. Later during church service, her shenanigans kept me distracted and in touch with moment. I was also able to delight in children who sang, children who were alive, so very alive. Life goes on and we go with it. And so do our emotions.

Reserves

I lecture on emotional intelligence on cruises, and I scheduled one for first two weeks in December. Cruises are relaxing and rejuvenating to me. It was a good idea. Give this to myself, I said before scheduling it, and I did, and I was glad. I approached Christmas tan and rested. One thing I would do if I had my life to do over, is take a vacation like that every year.

Scott Peck, in his book, "The Road Less Traveled," opens with simple sentence "Life is difficult." I think all of us would agree. He goes on to say that once we understand and accept that life is difficult then we can begin to transcend it.

In other words, once we understand and actually accept difficulty of life then this difficulty no longer matters, because we expect difficult times. The real problem most of us run into is that we expect and even desire that life should be easy.

I'd like to go beyond this notion of difficulty and assert that life is perfect just as it is. This is a concept I've been giving thought to for several weeks. Before you write me off as a lunatic, let me explain some things. Perfect is defined in dictionary as "without blemish."

In order to believe that life is perfect, just as it is, you will need to understand and "buy" into some new paradigm shifts.

These are: 1. All we truly have is right now; this very moment. We cannot live our lives in past (although some do) and we cannot live our lives in future (although some do this also). Attempting to live life in past or future is too rob ourselves of now, because now is all we have.

There was a time in my life when I continuously lived for some future time, "when I get my college degree," "when I get my masters degree," then I will have arrived and I can finally be happy and enjoy life. Life doesn't work that way. And I must admit that I missed out on a lot of life because I didn't know how to live in now. You've heard expression, "Stop and smell roses." Do it now, you might be dead tomorrow.