Earlier today I received a notice advising me that recycling program in my neighborhood has been “rebooted” and that I will henceforth risk “serious fines” if I fail to sort and, in case of jars and bottles, RINSE my garbage before leaving it out.

I hate to come off as a bad sport, but I’ve got to tell you: In all these years I’ve never once sorted or rinsed my garbage and there’s no way I’m going to start now. I mean, what exactly IS this shit? I don’t even sort and rinse stuff I keep!

Let me try to explain something here. I would never have had a problem with chore we’ve been assigned if a vital need to conserve essential natural resources was given it’s assumed to be and if claim that recycling saves significant quantities of natural resources was true. But importance and value of recycling is dubious at best. Summarily ignored, a number of reports (including one in The New York Times) revealed early on that, in fact, we’re not running out of substances recycling is intended to save. What’s more—and this applies to nonbiodegradable materials that end up as landfill as well as to organic elements—even industry’s own published (and doubtless exaggerated) figures make it clear that what recycling process manages to salvage is of no real consequence. So while I’ll allow that self-immolation would constitute a disproportionate form of protest, I have to say that reacting with less than indignation to so gratuitous an imposition would also be inappropriate. (Particularly when you consider that nowhere in notice was there mention of a tax rebate for performing what, if it’s to be performed at all, should properly have been a function of Department of Sanitation from beginning.)

It’s obviously not as dramatic, but this recycling business had always reminded me of so-called “oil crisis” of late seventies. Remember that? Remember how we were told flat out that after decades of witless gorging on a finite resource we’d all but depleted world of fossil fuels? Remember how, to be sure that we got message, we were made to endure frantic weeks of gasoline rationing and reduced thermostat levels?

(I know that my senator then, Senator D’Amato will want to cut in here to tell me this was before “Jurassic Park” came out and that at time we didn’t realize we could make more.

Yessir. That’s an...interesting...point. But, and with all due respect, SIT THE FUCK DOWN!—it’s beside point I was making. Okay?)

Always looking for extra publicity Saint Louis born thespian pulled many stunts to get attention for his films. One time he went to Hollywood Wax museum and disguised himself as his wax dummy likeness. Standing motionless with a hypodermic syringe he would wait patiently for unsuspecting people to watch by, and startle them by reaching out and squirting them with water.