Reader Q&A

Written by Rinatta Paries

About every couple of months I answer readers' relationship questions. I try to answer questions in such a way as to both serverepparttar person askingrepparttar 101991 question, while also sharing with all readers some relationship truth or principle I see asrepparttar 101992 underlying question. This month I am also adding a new highlight torepparttar 101993 Q&A. The "Featured Question" can now be found atrepparttar 101994 end ofrepparttar 101995 Q&A, and is picked because of its broad appeal. This question will get a much more in-depth response.

Q. I am 23 and have been dating a guy for 2 years. Everything is fine except that my boyfriend is very possessive, suspicious and jealous. This type of behavior is killing me. I have openly discussed it with him but he says it's because he loves me too much. This puts me off. If you could please help… ~Rose

A. Dear Rose, I am not surprised your boyfriend's possessiveness and jealousy is putting you off and making you feel stifled. I think you already know this behavior has nothing to do with how much he loves you, but has to do with his fear of being hurt, abandoned, perhaps being cheated on. I am going to assume you have not done anything to make him feel more insecure than he already is, which means how he feels has nothing to do with you. The bad news is that you cannot do anything to make him stop being possessive, suspicious and jealous. The good news is that you don't have to take it personally. The better news is that you don't need to try to make him feel better, because you can't - he will likely have these feelings for a long time, in any relationship he is in. So go about your life, doing what you need to do and stop accommodating his feelings. This is your only hope of helping him ever get over them. ~Your Relationship Coach

Q. I really like this girl and I think she likes me. The problem is that she is dating someone. The bigger problem is that she is dating my friend. What do I do? ~Tommy

A. Dear Tommy, As I see it, you have two choices - letrepparttar 101996 girl know you like her, but loserepparttar 101997 friendship with your friend. Or, keeprepparttar 101998 friendship and go find another girl to focus on. It all depends on how importantrepparttar 101999 friendship is to you. ~Your Relationship Coach

Q. Can you offer any insight into achieving intimacy, openness and honesty in a relationship without hurtingrepparttar 102000 other person? I see anger asrepparttar 102001 root of most intimacy problems. ~Krista

A. Dear Krista, You are right. Unresolved anger turned into resentment isrepparttar 102002 root of most intimacy problems. Resolving anger and resentments when they arise, as they will occasionally in any relationship, isrepparttar 102003 surest path to intimacy, openness and honesty. However, it's almost impossible not to hurtrepparttar 102004 other person, in any relationship. The truth is, you will hurt your partner - sometimes unintentionally and sometimes even intentionally. Hurting each other occasionally does not have to meanrepparttar 102005 end ofrepparttar 102006 relationship. It is whatrepparttar 102007 two of you do withrepparttar 102008 hurt that matters. In an open, intimate relationshiprepparttar 102009 two people will talk about their anger and hurt, and learn to listen to each other in such a way thatrepparttar 102010 negative emotions will get worked through. ~Your Relationship Coach

Q. I have lived with a man for a year-and-a-half, and I'm really not sure if he'srepparttar 102011 one for me. My issue is this: Ralph wants to do, literally, everything I do, and everything together. He wants to wake up together inrepparttar 102012 morning, shower together, leave for work together, spend all of our evenings together, and go to bed atrepparttar 102013 same time. I feel like he's infringing on my individuality, and I feel like he's clinging to me in an unhealthy way. I've given up my morning exercise routine because it bothered him that we didn't spend mornings together. I'm a writer and I like to do some writing inrepparttar 102014 mornings...I really enjoy waking early and having some time to myself. Because I wake up early, he wants to wake up early too. When he does this I feel like he's a little puppy dog who just needs to follow me around all day and do everything I do. If I say I don't WANT him to do that he feels rejected, and as if something is wrong because I don't want him there allrepparttar 102015 time.

It's not that I don't want to do anything together. We're taking a painting class together one night a week, and it's very enjoyable and fun to share this time together. We have dinner together every night, which I also love. Onrepparttar 102016 other hand, I also wonder if I'm making up this story about his lack of independence...and perhaps I'm not allowing myself to "be" with a man. I wonder sometimes if he's "good enough," and then I feel guilty that I'm such a "snob."

I have anger that bubbles up around these issues allrepparttar 102017 time. What do I do? ~Jane

A. Dear Jane, People in relationships need time apart and need their own lives in order forrepparttar 102018 relationship to work. So I am wondering why you have been willing to give this part of yourself up, giving up your time alone, your exercise, your writing, instead of allowing your partner to deal with his feeling of rejection? After all, you know you are not rejecting him when you want some space and time - you are taking care of yourself. If this brings up feelings of rejection for him, you can gently help him deal withrepparttar 102019 feelings, instead of trying to fixrepparttar 102020 situation so that he does not feel rejected. I suggest you try taking care of yourself and then help him deal with his emotions as they come up, by listening and being understanding, but not giving up yourself again. I think this will change how you feel about him. ~Your Relationship Coach

Controllable Destiny ... Setting a Destination and Experiencing the Ride

Written by Edward B. Toupin

The many ideas of "living life" arerepparttar most indistinctly defined conundrums that a human being can ponder. Philosophy has its own definitions of life and living. Of course, so do religions, corporations, politicians, and every diverse group onrepparttar 101990 planet. Some ofrepparttar 101991 looser definitions I hear from many people include:

- Life is ruled by destiny. - Life is ruled by fate. - We all live by a Universal Plan. - Only God knows.

In general, many people believe that their lives are already set and that they should acceptrepparttar 101992 paths and destinations placed before them. But,repparttar 101993 few that believe that life is what you make of it arerepparttar 101994 ones that understand that there is no absolute definition for life and living.

--- Belief Systems ---

In every case, you identify paths in your life based on your own personal "belief system." This system is who you are and what makes you dorepparttar 101995 things you do. It is your conscience, your ego, your little devil ... you! Everything you do in life is based on at least one of your core beliefs. But, when you do step outside of that lifelong foundation, you may feel frightened, uncomfortable, and generally lost.

I do believe in a God, a greater existence above us all, but life has taught me that there are no controlling entities that have absolute plans laid out for each of us. I would have to say that one's direction is chosen by none, and by all. Our destinies are not chosen at birth, but are poured into us as we grow and every action we take affects others as much asrepparttar 101996 actions of others affect us.

We choose our destination in life based on our beliefs. We feel as though our destinations are predetermined because we know what we "must" do to satisfy those beliefs. When we grow to reachrepparttar 101997 boundaries of that belief system, we become dissatisfied because we can see where we want to go, but can't get there with our current beliefs. It is at that time that we must decide to either takerepparttar 101998 leap intorepparttar 101999 unknown, or stay where we are because it is safe and known.

--- Destiny vs. Destination ---

Destiny, by definition, isrepparttar 102000 idea of "what may happen inrepparttar 102001 future." For most, it isrepparttar 102002 acceptance that we have a predetermined destiny and we should not fightrepparttar 102003 path on which we are placed. Destination, by definition, isrepparttar 102004 act of "aiming for a certain position; a place." For some, a destination isrepparttar 102005 ultimate place that we want to be atrepparttar 102006 end of a given journey---a chosen place atrepparttar 102007 end of a path.

The idea of allowing destiny to choose your direction in life isrepparttar 102008 easiest way to live. It guarantees that you will encounter little resistance and be able to live a constant life from beginning to end. You merely experiencerepparttar 102009 day-to-day problems of living an existence.

However, destiny is onlyrepparttar 102010 idea of what "may" happen inrepparttar 102011 future. It is not a set future, but one that you choose to accept as an absolute. Accepting destiny usually occurs when one either does not know how to choose a destination in their life or when one is so overwhelmed by their life that they don't have time, or are afraid, to choose.

To move forward, one must pick a destination, and work to get there. This is not an easy task as our own beliefs, disbeliefs, overwhelming situations, and lack of understanding cloud us all. It is notrepparttar 102012 abandonment of a belief system, it isrepparttar 102013 enhancement of our existing system through growth and knowledge that brings about change. We must first clear ourselves and understand our blocks and our goals so that we can view a better picture of what we can do for ourselves.

--- Choosing a Destination ---

To choose a destination, you must know what you want. Many times, people select their paths based on their current state and beliefs in their lives. This tends to push them right back intorepparttar 102014 same, or similar, situations that they are in atrepparttar 102015 time they decide to make a change. This usually occurs out of fear of looking outside of their "comfort zones" and environment.

Comfort zones are unusual places in which to exist. Such zones can create apathy and lethargy and keep one from moving beyond current situations. The lack of movement is becauserepparttar 102016 person has become comfortable with a particular situation in their life and is able to, somewhat, controlrepparttar 102017 situation. Even ifrepparttar 102018 situation is torturous and stressful, it is familiar, and ifrepparttar 102019 person feels control or comfort, they will resist change and stay there.

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