Quotes and Sayings - Colloquialisms Part 1

Written by Lisa Jay

ku'lowkeweeu'lizum [n] a colloquial expression; characteristic of spoken or written communication that seeks to imitate informal speech, an expression, a local or regional dialect expression. 

I always remember my grandparents using such colorful quotes and sayings when I was growing up. Later, when I married my husband, we spent time with his grandparents and they had a different set of quotes and sayings that were equally as expressive yet with a southern twist. Some of these colloquialisms are a little crude, vulgar and to some, offensive. We chose to include these quotes and sayings as well asrepparttar clean colloquialisms just because they are also part of our culture.

Not too smart - Dumb

"a few kangaroos short inrepparttar 118080 top paddock" "dumb as a load of coal" "two sandwiches short of a picnic" "notrepparttar 118081 sharpest tool inrepparttar 118082 shed" "one brick shy of a full load" "toys inrepparttar 118083 attic" "the lights are on but there's nobody home" "notrepparttar 118084 sharpest knife inrepparttar 118085 drawer" "notrepparttar 118086 brightest bulb onrepparttar 118087 string" "one French fry short of a Happy Meal" "one donut short of a dozen" "he couldn't make a noun and a verb agree if his life depended on it" "if brains were dynamite, he'd be dangerous" "he's a quart low inrepparttar 118088 crankcase" "so dumb he couldn't hitrepparttar 118089 broad side ofrepparttar 118090 barn" "dumb as a rock" "if you had a brain you'd be dangerous!" "can't put a square peg in a round hole" "that boy's always going to be a day late and a dollar short" "dumber than a sled rack" "dumber than a sledge hammer" "dumber'n dirt" "dumber than a June bug on a string" "dumber than a box of rocks" "too dumb to pound sand in a rat hole" "slow as mud" "ain't got both oars inrepparttar 118091 water" "porch light is on, but there ain't nobody home" "so confused he don’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his behind" "dumber than a box of rocks" "if you were twice as smart, you would be a half-wit" "dumb as a post" "the engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving" "two bricks shy of a full load" "he's crazier than a road-runnin' lizard" "crazy as a loon" "if all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose" "dumb as a stump" "smart as a whip"


"blind as a bat" "if it was a snake it'd've bit me" "a blind man could see that with his cane" "Ray Charles could see that"

Exclamation - Excitement

"grate day-in-na mawnin!!" - great day inrepparttar 118092 morning! "well, I'll swan!" "slick as a whistle!" - said when something went well "hell in a hand basket" - going to pot "going to pot" - going to hell "I'll be cow kicked by a mule!" "wouldn't that just dill your pickle?" - Used to express dismay over something that has or might happen. "wicked awesome!" "wicked cool" "wicked awful good" "some wicked awful good" "bless her heart" - You can say anything about someone, however unkind, as long as you bless her when you're done. "She's dumb as a bag o'hammers, bless her heart."

Experienced - Not dumb

"I like to think that I've 'been aroundrepparttar 118093 block few times, just so I don't look that way." "do I look like I just fell off a turnip truck?" "well don't that just beat all" "smart as a whip" "sharper than a tack" "This ain't my first rodeo"

Ugly, Pretty

"uglier thanrepparttar 118094 south bound end of a north bound donkey" "uglier than a burnt stump" "you're purtier than a glob of butter meltin' on a stack of wheat cakes" "prettier than a blue-nosed mule." "uglier thanrepparttar 118095 east end of a horse headed west" "cuter than a speckled pup" "he looks likerepparttar 118096 dog's been keepin' him underrepparttar 118097 porch" - Not handsome "when I was a kid, I was so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to my ears sorepparttar 118098 dog would play with me." "ugly as sin"

Comments Made About People

"you could grow potatoes in those dirty ears" "sweet as honey" "got off like a fat rat with cheese" "as full of wind as a corn-eating horse" - prone to boasting "he's got a ten-gallon mouth" - talkative "low man onrepparttar 118099 totem pole" "cool as a cucumber" "flat as a pancake" "workin' like a dog" "meaner 'n a rattlesnake" "old as Moses' toes" "hair as black as coal" "deaf as a doorknob/blind as a bat" "so skinny they have to stand up twice to make a shadow" "couldn't hit a barn if you were onrepparttar 118100 inside, withrepparttar 118101 door closed" "ants in her pants" "so windy he could blow up an onion sack" "so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in" "lower than a snake in a wagon track" "sly as a fox" "strong as an ox" "dishwater blond" "he/she sure has hay on his/her horns today" "sat there like a bump on a log" "actin’ like she's got bees in her bonnet" "you look like you have been drug through a knot hole backwards." "ugly as sin" "straight as an arrow" "as sweet as pie" "skinny as a bean pole" "cant carry a tune in a bucket" - cant sing "butter wouldn't melt in her mouth" - cold woman "as loose as a goose" "just ignore him and he'll die quietly in a corner." - said when really annoyed with someone "overrepparttar 118102 hill" "can't burn both ends of a stick (or candle) atrepparttar 118103 same time" "stubborn as a mule" "naked as a jaybird" "I hope she lives to a 150 and looks it" "she should get some shoes to go with those bags" - said when someone looks really tired "do you have shoes to go with my bags?" - if I am looking really tired "up & down like a whore's drawers" - refers to a nervous person, up & down "doesn't know his behind from a hole inrepparttar 118104 ground" "slicker (or cleaner) than a hounds tooth." "slipperier than snot on a glass doorknob" "colder than a well-digger's feet in Alaska" "dead as a doornail" "fit as a fiddle" "quiet as a mouse" "looks likerepparttar 118105 cat that a swallowedrepparttar 118106 canary" "two ax handles wide acrossrepparttar 118107 behind" - fat "two ax handles and a rain barrel" - fat "like a fish out of water" "lying like a snake inrepparttar 118108 grass" "lies like an old rug"

Tax Jokes and Quotes

Written by Richard A. Chapo

Tax Jokes and Quotes

Do you realize that some tax forms ask you to check a box if you are BLIND?

Quote: “Two years ago it was impossible to get through on repparttar phone torepparttar 118079 IRS. Now it's just hard to get through. That's progress.” -Charles Rossotti, former IRS Commissioner

Disappointed that you never had time to writerepparttar 118080 great American novel? Don’t fret, just go dig out your past tax returns.

Quote: "The Eiffel Tower isrepparttar 118081 Empire State Building after taxes."

Underrepparttar 118082 Freedom of Information Act, a man with a small business sent a request torepparttar 118083 IRS asking if they had a file on him. The IRS wrote back, “There is now.”

Quote: “It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required.”

Q: Who audits IRS agents?

Quote: “Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”

Q: How do you drive a CPA insane? A: Fill out Form 1040EZ.

Cont'd on page 2 ==>
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