Here are some tongue-in-cheek (or burger-in-belly) suggestions for how you can turn even greasiest, sugariest, most overprocessed calorie bomb into lean, mean diet food.

How is this done? Here’s a hint: it’s all in how you choose to look at food...

1. Eat donuts instead of solid pastries. You will be saving a tremendous number of calories by eating something with a hole in middle. You can save upwards of 3 to 5 calories per pastry by doing this. That means if you eat 10 donuts, you’ve saved yourself almost 50 calories! Besides, everyone knows nuts are good for you...

2. French fries can help prevent heart attacks. It is a fact that French people suffer fewer heart attacks and have lower rates of heart disease. French fries are obviously from France, therefore it naturally follows that French fries can prevent heart disease.

3. Pizza is one of healthiest foods on planet. There are many reasons for this:

-The bleached flour in crust sucks up all grease that drips down from toppings, trapping it so you don’t see it while you’re eating. If you don’t see it when you eat it, it has no calories.

-It’s round (stay with me here). Because square-shaped foods have corners, they contain a lot more calories than round foods. To save even more calories, cut a hole in center of pizza (refer back to #1 for full details).

-The cheese on pizza is loaded with calcium - even more than Tums you’re going to need after eating whole thing.

-You can easily reduce your servings without sacrificing enjoyment. Instead of cutting pizza into 8 slices, try cutting it into only 4. You’ve just eaten HALF number of slices you ate before! Imagine how many calories you’ll save by doing that!

DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME! OR AT THE GYM! OR ANYWHERE!!!

1. Dumbell Hair Combs - Start by holding a dumbell in front of you. Do a front raise with it then whip dumbell back and over top of your head like you’re combing your hair with it. Make sure to just miss your skull.

2. Hog-tied Face-Rubs - Lie on your stomach on floor. Grasp your ankles behind your back and rub your face back and forth on ground repeatedly. Continue until you’ve had enough.

3. Abdominal Earthquakes - Lie on floor on your back in classic start position of a crunch. Now yank as hard as you can on back of your head up and down and thrash your legs around in air like you’re fending off starving dogs. This evidently works your abs. You will resemble Jello that has just been dropped on floor. Your face should be as red as a tomato by time you’re done.

4. The Arm Wrecker - Do one cheating, momentum-filled rep of an arm exercise with ridiculously heavy weight then swing your arms around as fast as you can in a circle to get blood to muscle. This technique will either help your arm grow or will smack person waiting to use machine/weights next.

5. Pelvic Demolisher - Stand with your fingers interlocked behind your head. Do a pelvic thrust forward and drop your spinal column down and backwards about 6 inches. This exercise is best done in front of a large group of people.