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Title: Personal Power Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 730 Category: self Improvement

Personal Power By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

All of us would love to have personal power – power to manifest our dreams, power to remain calm and loving in face of fear, power to stay centered in ourselves in face of attack.

Our society often confuses personal power - “power within” - with “power over,” which is about controlling others. There is a vast difference between personal power and control.

Personal power comes from an inner sense of security, from knowing who you are in your soul, from having defined your own intrinsic worth. It is power that flows through you when you are connected to and feel your oneness with a spiritual source of guidance. It is power that is eventual result of doing deep inner emotional and spiritual work to heal fears and false beliefs acquired in childhood.

Without this inner work to heal beliefs that create our limitations, we are stuck in our egos, our wounded selves. The very basis of ego is desire for control, for power over others and outcomes.

Our ego is self we created to attempt to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. We created our ego self in our attempt to protect ourselves from losses we fear – loss of self, loss of other, loss of security, loss of face. As children, when we didn’t get love we needed, we decided that our true Self must be unlovable. In our attempt to feel safe, we buried our true Self and created false self – ego, our wounded self. The ego self then went about learning how to feel safe through trying to control others and outcomes. The ego believes that having control over how people see us and feel about us, as well as over outcome of things, will give us safety we seek.

For example, people who struggle with intimacy in relationships are often afraid of feeling vulnerable with another person -- it scares or overwhelms them. People who have substance abuse problems may be using drugs or alcohol to numb their feelings and painful experiences. People who self-injure are often trying to numb or push away intense feelings. Most problems involve denying, avoiding, and hiding feelings and solution always involves accepting feelings.

The Problem with Denying, Avoiding, and Hiding Feelings

The problem with denying, avoiding, and hiding one's feelings is evident everywhere, from boy who won't let himself cry for fear of being called a "sissy", so he punches someone instead, to girl who's afraid to express her anger clearly and directly for fear she'll be seen as being "like a boy" so she instead gossips cruelly about her peers, or turns her anger on herself. We can see it in man who's afraid of saying how he feels for fear of sounding "gay, so instead buries himself in his work and neglects his partner, and in woman who can't say "no" because she fears conflict, so she ends up resenting her friends. We even see it in our heads of states who don't acknowledge their vulnerability and fears, and instead act aggressively and violently. We live in a world that is intolerant of authentic feelings, and this hurts us all.

People who do show their feelings are often put down and told they are "too sensitive," "over- reacting," "emotional," and not "objective," while people who hide their emotions are viewed as "strong," "confident," "logical," and "objective." While these differences can be expressed along gender lines, women are increasingly expected to hide or deny their emotions, and many men experience a lack of acceptance when they do express their vulnerability.

When people are put down for expressing their feelings, they may find that their feelings heighten or escalate because they feel invalidated and unheard; there's a natural tendency to feel more emotional when you haven't been heard. They may also learn to suppress and deny their feelings by distancing and numbing themselves. When people are rewarded for masking their emotions, they often end up feeling unseen, alienated, angry, and depressed without knowing why; their lives may look good but they feel empty or unfulfilled because they are cut off from their emotions.

What Do You Feel?

You can get to know your feelings simply by sitting quietly with your eyes closed or looking downward, and tuning inward. Shifting your attention inward helps you to sense what is going on inside of you. We can get so caught up in what we're doing, what we're talking about, or what other people are doing, that we forget to notice ourselves.

If, when you tune inward, you don't notice anything, try doing a body scan. Lie down comfortably and take time to notice how you feel in different areas of your body. Start with your head, and work your way down to your toes, or focus on areas that most draw your attention. Notice how you feel physically in each area of your body. Do you notice any tension, cramping, numbness, or anything else?

Notice what, if anything, comes to your mind when you focus on each area of your body. For example, does a memory come to mind, a thought, an image, an emotion? Just notice what comes to you without judging or thinking about it, and then move on to next area of your body. Try not to analyze what comes up, because that will take you out of your body and your emotions.

Some people find that by noticing natural rhythm of their breath, they feel more tuned into their body and emotions, and some people find that doing this triggers panic and fear. If it's comfortable for you, notice how your body rises and falls with your breath. Observing your breath can not only help you to tune inward, but can also help you to unwind.

Taking time to tune into yourself every day goes a long way toward helping you to know how you feel. You can do this almost anywhere, including sitting on bus, waiting for light to turn green, sitting in a traffic jam, sitting on toilet, and so on.

Accepting Your Feelings