People Pleasing: Having Trouble Saying No?

Written by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist


Do you have trouble saying NO? Do you do things for other people but almost never ask anybody to do things for you? You may be a people pleaser.

People pleasers think of other people’s needs before their own. They worry about what other people want, think, or need, and spend a lot of time doing things for others. They rarely do things for themselves, and feel guilty when they do. It’s hard being a people pleaser.

People pleasers hold back from saying what they really think or from asking for what they want if they think someone will be upset with them for it. Yet they often spend time with people who don’t consider their needs at all. In fact, people pleasers often feel driven to make insensitive or unhappy people feel better - even atrepparttar detriment to themselves.

Constantly trying to please other people is draining and many people pleasers feel anxious, worried, unhappy, and tired a lot ofrepparttar 115731 time. They may not understand why no one does anything for them, when they do so much for others - but they often won’t ask for what they need.

A people pleaser may believe that if they ask someone for help and that person agrees, that person would be giving out of obligation, not because they really wanted to. The thinking goes - if they really wanted to help, they would have offered without my asking. This line of thinking happens because people pleasers themselves feel obliged to help, and do not always do things because they want to. Sadly, people pleasers have been taught that their worth depends on doing things for other people.

It’s painful being a people pleaser. People pleasers are not only very sensitive to other people’s feelings, and often take things personally, but they also rarely focus on themselves. When they do take a moment for themselves, they feel selfish, indulgent, and guilty which is why they are often onrepparttar 115732 go, rushing to get things done. Because people pleasers accomplish so much and are easy to get along with, they are oftenrepparttar 115733 first to be asked to do things - they are vulnerable to be being taken advantage of.

People pleasers were raised in homes where their needs and feelings were not valued, respected, or considered important. They were often expected as children to respond to or to take care of other people’s needs. Or they may have been silenced, neglected, or otherwise abused, thus learning that their feelings and needs were not important. In many cultures, girls are raised to be people pleasers - to think of others’ needs first, and to neglect their own. Many women have at least some degree of people pleasing in them. Men who identified with their mothers often do as well.

Solitary Confinement -- for Life!

Written by Phyllis Staff, Ph.D.


Sixty-five year old Arthur Jones served a self-imposed life sentence – in his own home.

Arthur lived in a high crime neighborhood, so he built iron cages around his outside doors and installed bars on allrepparttar windows. No one could find it easy to break in to Arthur’s house!

I met Arthur a few years ago, although you would hardly call our interaction meeting. When I arrived to deliver his meal, as part ofrepparttar 115730 Meals-on-Wheels program, Arthur barely cracked open his front door even though his cage clearly protected him. He refused to openrepparttar 115731 cage door at all, so, to give him his meal, I had to anglerepparttar 115732 box throughrepparttar 115733 bars. Without doubt, this maneuver scrambledrepparttar 115734 hot contents of his boxed meal, but Arthur would have it no other way. He clearly feared me, a 100-pound woman, and everyone else.

I wish I could say that Arthur’s family came to his rescue, finding for himrepparttar 115735 medical and emotional treatment he needed. I cannot. Arthur’s depression and paranoia compounded relentlessly, killing him at far too young an age.

Many elders live like Arthur, holed up in their own homes, barricaded againstrepparttar 115736 world. Who cares? Family and friends must care, and they must assumerepparttar 115737 primary responsibility, acting before their elder’s condition rivals that of Arthur. We cannot shift this burden to our government. We cannot wish it away. Those among us lucky enough to have elders in our lives must shoulderrepparttar 115738 responsibility of seeing that they do not succumb to depression.

At this holiday season, many elders experience transitory depression, as celebrations bring memories of friends and loved ones who have died. Decreased hours of sunshine may add to their depressed feelings. How do you know if your elder suffers from serious depression? And, if you suspect depression, what you should do? Here are a few tips.

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