Pause o'MensesWritten by D. Gustafson
Want a word that’s ensured to illicit a myriad of comments, moans, groans, eye rolling and jokes? Menopause. Go ahead, say it out loud. Get used to it. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, trust me, it will; and trust me when I say “you’ll live”, you will.
You won’t become a eunuch; nor will you become a card carrying member of some androgynous sect. Unless, of course, you’re a huge David Bowie fan. I hear he’s president. So, here are a few of little goodies you can look forward to; as well as a few heartfelt clarifications.
A wonderful way to keep your pores clean and your skin hydrated - really, really hydrated.
What you’d kill for when you’re having a hot flash.
This is simply your body’s way of refusing to “go quietly into that good night” Mood swings
If you’ve ever been married, had children, or breathed air, you’ve already experienced mood swings. They're old hat. Dry vagina
A dry one is preferable to a drippy one. If it’s bothersome, there are a zillion products that you can squirt up there.
Men and Their Little FriendsWritten by D. Gustafson
I’ve never been able to quite get a grip on a man’s attitude towards his penis. Look it’s a body part. We all have body parts. But somehow, someway, male penis has evolved to such an extent; it has developed its own personality, hell, its own life. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.
Go ahead, ask a man. I guarantee you; he’s named damned thing.
Now let me tell you, they’re not ordinary names, no sir. This small, goofy looking piece of flesh, sitting in front of two overly sensitive orbs, always, and I do mean always, merits some sort of large or action packed name – “Big Jim and Twins” or “Pumpin’ Pile Driver o’ Passion”.
Yep, they’re talking about that thing that retreats at merest suggestion of cold water, and twins? They’re hydrophobic. No doubt about it, none at all. They don’t merely retreat, they flat out run away. Or is it roll away? A shyer trio you’ll never find.
These appellations, slightly threatening in tone, have no relation to actual size of organ. Even tiniest penis, to its owner, warrants big and dangerous names…”The Thrill Drill”, or my personal favorite, “Vlad Impaler”. At least latter shows a rudimentary knowledge of history.
I don’t quite understand threatening part. When those little things are pressed into action, don’t they want to draw women in, attract them? Think about it for a second, would you prefer to be impaled, drilled, or massaged? Why not something like, “Gianni Gentle” or “Ronny Rubdown”? Or better yet, go for gold with something meaningful, albeit lengthy, like, “No, Your Ass Doesn’t Look Big”.
My momma always taught me that you catch more flies with honey, than vinegar.
Owning a penis must be a daunting proposition, maintenance alone must be overwhelming. The poor owner has to continually “drain main vein”, and “pull back its turtleneck” to properly wash. Then, of course, he has to dress little bugger by “putting on its helmet”.