Pause o'Menses

Written by D. Gustafson

Want a word that’s ensured to illicit a myriad of comments, moans, groans, eye rolling and jokes? Menopause. Go ahead, say it out loud. Get used to it. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, trust me, it will; and trust me when I say “you’ll live”, you will.

You won’t become a eunuch; nor will you become a card carrying member of some androgynous sect. Unless, of course, you’re a huge David Bowie fan. I hear he’srepparttar president. So, here are a few ofrepparttar 118270 little goodies you can look forward to; as well as a few heartfelt clarifications.

Hot flashes

A wonderful way to keep your pores clean and your skin hydrated - really, really hydrated.

Cold flashes

What you’d kill for when you’re having a hot flash.

Excessive bleeding

This is simply your body’s way of refusing to “go quietly into that good night” Mood swings

If you’ve ever been married, had children, or breathed air, you’ve already experienced mood swings. They're old hat. Dry vagina

A dry one is preferable to a drippy one. If it’s bothersome, there are a zillion products that you can squirt up there.

Men and Their Little Friends

Written by D. Gustafson

I’ve never been able to quite get a grip on a man’s attitude towards his penis. Look it’s a body part. We all have body parts. But somehow, someway,repparttar male penis has evolved to such an extent; it has developed its own personality, hell, its own life. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.

Go ahead, ask a man. I guarantee you; he’s namedrepparttar 118269 damned thing.

Now let me tell you, they’re not ordinary names, no sir. This small, goofy looking piece of flesh, sitting in front of two overly sensitive orbs, always, and I do mean always, merits some sort of large or action packed name – “Big Jim andrepparttar 118270 Twins” or “Pumpin’ Pile Driver o’ Passion”.

Yep, they’re talking about that thing that retreats atrepparttar 118271 merest suggestion of cold water, andrepparttar 118272 twins? They’re hydrophobic. No doubt about it, none at all. They don’t merely retreat, they flat out run away. Or is it roll away? A shyer trio you’ll never find.

These appellations, slightly threatening in tone, have no relation torepparttar 118273 actual size ofrepparttar 118274 organ. Evenrepparttar 118275 tiniest penis, to its owner, warrants big and dangerous names…”The Thrill Drill”, or my personal favorite, “Vladrepparttar 118276 Impaler”. At leastrepparttar 118277 latter shows a rudimentary knowledge of history.

I don’t quite understandrepparttar 118278 threatening part. When those little things are pressed into action, don’t they want to draw women in, attract them? Think about it for a second, would you prefer to be impaled, drilled, or massaged? Why not something like, “Gianni Gentle” or “Ronny Rubdown”? Or better yet, go forrepparttar 118279 gold with something meaningful, albeit lengthy, like, “No, Your Ass Doesn’t Look Big”.

My momma always taught me that you catch more flies with honey, than vinegar.

Owning a penis must be a daunting proposition,repparttar 118280 maintenance alone must be overwhelming. The poor owner has to continually “drainrepparttar 118281 main vein”, and “pull back its turtleneck” to properly wash. Then, of course, he has to dressrepparttar 118282 little bugger by “putting on its helmet”.

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