Giving advice to a teenager is very easy; getting a teenager to take that advice is another matter altogether. It's not only a case of
advice 'falling on deaf ears', sometimes teenager seems to go deliberately out of their way to do exact opposite, that's when you know you've got a problem. So how do you go about giving advice to a teen?The short answer to this question is "don’t". Now at first glance this probably sounds ridiculous, after all parents have more experience of life and most would agree that a parent's job is to pass this experience onto their children. But problem with giving advice is that it's really just a way of maintaining control. We often cover it up by saying we know what's best in situation, we have experience and knowledge, but in reality what we're saying is what we want to happen, this is what we want you to do.
Adolescence is a time for learning to self-manage, to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. It's an essential process if your teen is to become a well-adjusted, fully functioning adult ready for 21st century. And a fundamental part of process is handing over control to your teen.
For most parents this is a really scary thought. They're concerned about what will happen if they do, that if they give up some control it will mean they lose all control. They're concerned about what their teen will do or what happens if they get it wrong, in other words they feel a need to protect their teen.
Firstly, handing over control at this stage is more about handing over responsibility and accountability on how to do something, not handing over total control. It's about letting your teen have an involvement in how to solve a particular problem, it's about teaching them problem solving skills. If you always provide solution how will they ever learn to do it for themselves?
Secondly, your teen is very likely to get it 'wrong', to make mistakes and what is wrong about that? You’re teaching them how to self-correct, just as they did when they first learned to ride a bike and kept falling off. Making mistakes is a natural part of learning process; more learning comes from making mistakes than comes from getting it 'right'. How much does it really matter if they don’t get it 'right' first time or choose 'best' alternative?
