This article on parenting is by a practicing relationship counsellor/therapist and father. The following suggestions will be useful for any parent or caregiver who wants to improve their relationships with their children.
In more extreme situations, many of
approaches will still be directly useful, and overall approach is a guide for what extreme situation needs to come back to.
It would also be very useful to attend relationship and/or family counselling to uncover deeper sources of any family conflict.
Main points:
•Often, it is unresolved trauma or early needs in parents or caregivers that set up behaviour and feelings of child, so an absolutely necessary first step is for caregiver to acknowledge and begin to deal with their own unresolved unconscious processes and reactivity.
•The main thing that children need is to be genuinely liked and delighted-in. They instinctively know your feelings about them. Parents need to arrange their lives so that they have enough opportunity to feel and express delight in their children. Children have a primary need to be played with, and talked to, with actual connection, imagination to imagination - eg, on floor, both delighting in building and toppling of blocks! The imagination connection has to be real - kids know! It’s as real a need as food.
•The second most important thing is that parent’s relationship is priority – not children. The children need parents to be priority as well, as this gives them stability, security and example.
•There is no such thing as "naughty" - there is always a reason for crying and "misbehaving".
•How you want your child to be, you need to be yourself – there is no avoiding this, children are acutely aware of hypocrisy and "natural" justice. Be honest about yourself with them – you don’t have to be “perfect”, just honest.
•If children are considered as an inhibition on your "lifestyle", there will be problems - they love to be included in what you do (exclusion is very damaging). It takes much less effort overall, to actually pay real attention to, and to play with children on a genuine level, than to have them continually whining, crying, sulking and demanding.
•Be consistent and sparing with commands and discipline – a continual barrage of un-enforced, or inconsistently, enforced "don’ts" just makes children switch off to what you say. (This can be very dangerous, when an especially important "don't" comes along). Physical discipline is definitely not an option: All that can be learnt with violence of any kind, physical or emotional, is violence and limitation. It is very important to consistently apply previously stated consequences to any inappropriate behaviour. It is also very important that rules are fair and adhered to by parents as well.
•Fairness is very important. Real, and/or perceived unfairness is probably main trigger of conflict (even with adults).
