As parents, we pray for our children’s safety, health and happiness. We do everything we know to help make these things happen for them.

At some point in our lives, we developed principles and values that guide our life decisions. Our parents and/or caregivers certainly had influence over this but not complete determination. Some of us gladly adopted values of our parents and continue to live by them today. Some of us so completely rejected our parents values that our decisions are determined by doing exact opposite of what we believe our parents would do.

Most of us, however, are somewhere in middle---we have accepted some of our parents values and rejected others. This is a normal process of development. As parents, though, we really fight that period in our children’s lives when they are attempting to differentiate themselves from us.

Maybe it is because we fear for their safety in their decision-making. Maybe we can see that they are engaging in unhealthy behavior or heading down a life path that will ultimately lead to unhappiness. Whatever reason, we get scared if our children’s values differ too much from our own.

What can we, as parents, do? First of all, as we raise our children, we are helping to strengthen their roots. This is first gift a parent gives their child. How does one strengthen roots? We tend, we nurture, we feed, we cultivate---all to develop strong roots.

Sharing our value system with our children is critical to this process. In sharing values, remember that people pay more attention to what they see, as opposed to what they hear. Therefore, if you are a parent who tells your children it is wrong to smoke while you are toking on your cigarette, know that their interpretation of smoking will likely be different from what you are verbally espousing.

A developmental task of adolescence is separation and individuation. This is time when children are attempting to separate themselves from their parents to an extent. It can be a very frightening time for parents. What do we do? This is time for second parental gift---wings.

We want to give our children gradual “flying” lessons. Children are not ready to go from total and complete shelter of their parents’ protection to being absolutely out on their own. This must be a gradual process.

Dr. Nancy Buck, in her book Peaceful Parenting, says it best. “We limit freedom for as long as it takes to teach responsible behavior and then we give back freedom.” We want our children learning precarious process of making decisions while they are still under our semi-protection.

During teen years is perfect time to allow our teens to begin process of deciding what their own set of values will be. If you have done a good job with roots and you handle next part with a minimum of confrontation, then value process will go relatively smoothly.

To My Dearest Two:

From day that each of you inhaled your first breath I adored you. I changed my entire life for each of you (I think they call this maternal). Even though there were times when I could not give you all of things that you thought you wanted, I was able to provide things in life that you needed.

There were so many times when I was one that took ever so dauntlessly your defiance, your selfishness, your arrogance, and your unwillingness to make my job an easier one. Be mindful that parenting is not equipped with an “how to” manual. I was one that knew what was best for you at time. I loved and gave you too much. Maybe that was my only fault, loving each of you too much. I sheltered you from harms way of world because I knew first hand how brutal and wicked this world could be. But you didn’t see that then. In your naive eyes, I was always “enemy”. The outsider.

I thought at time that we were each other’s nucleus. Was I wrong? Was I so wrong??

Unbeknownst to you, when you hurt me with a roll of your eye, or a slam of your door, or ignored me as you people often do, (as teenagers often do), I still had love for you. Even though next day I awoke to tear soaked pillowcases. You never knew this did you? Through it all, I believed that I had to continue to be there for two of you when you needed me. You always thought you would never need me didn’t you? Thought you had this life thing figured out. But you did need me. And I was there! (We do that type of thing, us parents, try to be there for our children no matter consequence). Selfless love I heard it called. We cannot help ourselves.