I was raised in a middle class household. I wasn’t physically abused or sexually molested, but we’re all broken, and my parents weren’t perfect, and I suffered tremendous emotional abuse as a result of their brokenness. I didn’t feel entitled to feel this pain because I hadn’t been badly beaten, etc. But, then I started hearing people say that emotional abuse can be most damaging. I didn’t quite believe it as I had heard stories of women who had been raped, others whom were victims of incest, and other horror stories. I didn’t feel that I had a right to feel my pain – that it didn’t seem to compare to some others sufferings, so I stuffed my hurts deep inside. Despite all efforts, however, pain comes out in other forms. It’s like a disease – it infects every relationship and action. One wise person told me – pain is pain. The Lord doesn’t differentiate between hurts, and only help those dealing with certain types of pain. We’re all in need of healing from our brokenness, whatever form it takes. Sometimes, I still don’t feel entitled or worthy of healing when I look at poor and impoverished, oppressed in third world countries. I keep thinking, I should be able to cope, as I have not suffered those atrocities, but I still have my own pain that must be healed, and masking it only keeps me in same state of brokenness, and I have lived with curse of bad relationships stemming from stuffed pain.

We live in a fallen world. Adam and Eve’s sin cursed us all and pain and suffering entered world. To deal with hurts, western civilization often employs economic relief to ease our woes. Men are cursed to toil to live, spawning a competitive marketplace where king of hill wins. Children, at a young age, learn to play this game as well, and even when grown, same rules apply. He who gets promotion, makes most money, and has most toys wins, at least in world system. But, that old adage, that you can’t take it with you, is still a truth to spoil this road to happiness.

Despite this truism, it doesn’t stop so many from seeking fulfillment through materialism, when real happiness lies within one’s own heart. I, myself, have sacrificed this part of myself, and let it get hardened by difficulties of life. I wasn’t chasing proverbial American dream. After all, I’ve been thrice divorced. The title for my life should be “Paradise Lost.” I was consumed with responsibility caring for my two children that I’ve raised alone. I was very proud of that fact too. I gave up my work that I enjoyed doing fiscal and HR work, and taught myself computers because I could make a lot more money, afford a house on my own, and buy that yellow Mustang I’ve always wanted. You sell your soul for such ambitions. Did chasing that rainbow allow me to follow my passion – absolutely not! What I ended up with, was what many IT professionals achieve – severe burnout, and a boring job that I can hardly stand to drag my butt to each morning.