Humor: POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA

POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA

Written by Victoria Elizabeth

Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2004.

OR, HOW SNOW WHITE & FRIENDS SENT SANTA PACKING!

It seems that we can longer languish in repparttar reveries of "Christmas" anymore.

"Christmas" is now "persona non grata" unless it comes with lotsa ka-ching and consumer clatta!

"Christmas" has been replaced by non-threatening "happy holiday" greetings, profitable "holiday" gift cards, and a new medical disease called repparttar 118115 "ho ho ho" syndrome (I'll let you figure that one out).

Gone are repparttar 118116 days when we can enjoy such pleasures as "Christmas" carols, "Christmas" crackers or heaven forbid even "Christmas" trees, without a knock at repparttar 118117 door from a politically-correct enforcement officer dressed in an bright blue suit with gold braid and a matching hat plus a perplexing smiley frown on his face.

Although I cannot take credit for repparttar 118118 witty work below, I thought I would pass it along to all those who still believe in a reindeer named Rudolph, jolly St. Nick (aka Santa Claus/Kris Kringle), jingling bells full of comfort and joy, not to mention a mouth-watering slice of home-made hot minced pie.

-- POLITICALLY INCORRECT SANTA --

'Twas repparttar 118119 night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labour conditions at repparttar 118120 North Pole Were alleged by repparttar 118121 union to stifle repparttar 118122 soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to repparttar 118123 wilds by repparttar 118124 Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by repparttar 118125 E.P.A. And people had started to call for repparttar 118126 cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you repparttar 118127 strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose . And had gone on Geraldo, in front of repparttar 118128 nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of repparttar 118129 reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices

Written by Timothy Ward

3 Surefire Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices by Tim Ward

I have heard repparttar rumblings of many of you in Readerland about repparttar 118114 recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about repparttar 118115 infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!

1. Don't Drive Your Car

This is, of course, repparttar 118116 most obvious solution. If you never take repparttar 118117 old Plymouth out repparttar 118118 driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up repparttar 118119 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to repparttar 118120 gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.

Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And repparttar 118121 kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at repparttar 118122 Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get repparttar 118123 point. Not everyone can sit around repparttar 118124 house writing not-so-funny articles and searching repparttar 118125 Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?

2. Carpool

It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover repparttar 118126 gas bill needed to get you to repparttar 118127 office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise repparttar 118128 mall. It's so simple.

Of course, repparttar 118129 concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that repparttar 118130 other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:

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