Think back to a situation where you felt resentful. Or think back to last time your heart was broken. The next time you encounter a similar situation, will you be free to choose how you act, or will you instead automatically attempt to protect yourself? If you are like most people, latter is true. And why wouldn't you protect yourself if you see hurt coming, right?
Focusing your attention on self-protection prevents you from being fully present. You may miss opportunities to change outcome of situation, to play it differently, to see how it IS different. You may miss opportunities to truly connect with someone.
That's why letting go of your past - or "getting complete" - is vitally important. If you do not get complete, you will carry old pain into present and future relationships. If you do not get complete, you may perceive any situation, similar to ones in which you were hurt, as more of same. This will make most relationships difficult, and may even prevent them from forming at all.
Being complete with your past has two key benefits. First, when faced with a situation that causes you pain or resentment, you become free to choose your actions rather than reacting from fear of pain. Secondly, you no longer have an emotional reaction when looking back on hurtful situations.
Can you see why it is vital that you become complete with your past if you are to build your ideal relationship?
Here are ten suggestions for getting complete with any past hurt or resentment. Try working on a few situations at a time until you find you are complete with them.
1. Write letters. Write letters to person who made you feel resentful or hurt. Freely say everything you want to say. Write as many letters as necessary to feel complete, but do not send them. Instead, do something with them that helps you feel you are getting rid of painful feelings. Flush letters down toilet, burn them, bury them, etc.
2. Tell your story. Tell your story over and over to a trusted friend or advisor. Make sure person listening gives no advice and makes no comments to dispute your feelings, but instead allows you to talk and listens attentively.
3. Talk to right person. Talk to person with whom you feel incomplete. Do this only if you are sure this person will be able to listen to you in same way as described in #2. Make sure not to blame or be rude, but talk about your feelings and consequences in your life. If you have opportunity, have as many conversations as you need to get complete.
4. Imagine. Imagine yourself in same room as person with whom you have incompletion. Imagine them attentively listening to you while you say everything you need to say. Repeat this process many times until you are done.
5. Role-Play. Ask a trusted friend to role-play hurtful situation with you. Have them be other person and reenact situation. Respond how you wish you had responded. Repeat role-play, but this time, have other person act in a way that would have avoided causing you pain. Repeat process over time until you feel complete.