On Turning Sixty

Written by Robert Levin

Although it's brought me that much closer to transforming into worm food, I've found that turning sixty is not without its compensations. While it's true, for example, that my member isn't getting a proper supply of blood anymore—and that I can no longer write my name inrepparttar sand and must settle for my initials—I can still have lots of fun with it. Thanks to a prostate glandrepparttar 118215 Museum of Humongous Prostate Glands has already put in a bid for when I buyrepparttar 118216 farm, my urine stream now bifurcates atrepparttar 118217 exit point. This means that I can pee intorepparttar 118218 toilet andrepparttar 118219 adjacent bathtub atrepparttar 118220 same time—which is a kick. My urologist says that while he can make no promises, there's a good chance that inrepparttar 118221 not too distant future I'll be capable of TRIfurcating. This will enable me to pee inrepparttar 118222 toilet,repparttar 118223 bathtub ANDrepparttar 118224 laundry basket simultaneously.

I can't wait.

And by making it possible to legitimately ignore questions that have always annoyedrepparttar 118225 hell out of me ("When are you getting a job?" is a persistent one that's never failed to spill some really nasty chemicals in my brain), my newly developed hearing loss has a terrific upside as well. Not, to be sure, that its downside isn't just as major. I mean, how many invitations to lunch have I blown? How many people have said, "Let me buy you lunch," and I've said in reply, "But we still don't have Bin Laden"? (As thorny as this problem is, I've managed to ease it somewhat by saying, maybe a dozen times a day to people with whom I come into contact, "Thanks, that's great." Though probably 500 of them have looked at me in a very askance kind of way—and one, I'm not sure why exactly, punched me inrepparttar 118226 stomach—I've gotten six lunches doing this that I would otherwise have missed out on. Not to mention a free ticket to a Robert Goulet concert!)

The Prodigal Prince Fred, (Tasmanian Fred, Royal Spoiled Brat)

Written by Troy Nilsson

The Prodigal Prince Fred, (Tasmanian Fred, Royal Spoiled Brat)

THE SETTING Luke 15:11 "There was a man who had two sons.

Far away, long before children had beds, There lived a Tasmanian 'Devil' named "Fred" Prince Frederickrepparttar Fifth, Son of Frederickrepparttar 118214 Fourth Who ruledrepparttar 118215 Tasmanian Kingdom, of course.

King Frederick was noble and goodly and nice The Tasmanians loved him- from mooses to mice They also loved King Freddy's nicely son "Ned" But oh how they hated that nasty Prince Fred.

Prince Freddy was snooty and cocky and smuggly He hung with his "gang", "The Tasmanian Thugglies" They loved to break furniture, quarrel, and fight And steal kiddies' candies on Halloween night.

They'd cruise throughrepparttar 118216 countryside hooting and howling Kickingrepparttar 118217 kangaroos, shooting and scowling Scaringrepparttar 118218 children asleep in their beds And thumpingrepparttar 118219 night owls on top of their heads; they'd

throw rocks through windows and break into stores They'd put piles of doo-doo by people's front doors And laugh atrepparttar 118220 look inrepparttar 118221 nice people's eyes When they stepped out and stepped in Fred's "poo-poo surprise."

Andrepparttar 118222 townspeople said, "For these prattles and pranks We'll break out our paddles- PRINCE FRED NEEDS A SPANK!"

And oh how they spanked him- they swatted and popped him But Prince Freddy likedrepparttar 118223 attention it got him - His horrible habits would not go away So he pranked every night and got spanked every day.

Luke 15:12 The younger one said to his father, `Father, give me my share ofrepparttar 118224 estate.' So he divided his property between them.

But what Fred only knew was that he had grown weary Tasmanian teasing was boring and dreary He'd broken or messed up most everything there And he ached for a change- a breath of fresh air.

So he said "hey King Daddy-O, gimme my Money I 'm sick and I'm tired of you, Neddy and Mummy I'm gonna go whererepparttar 118225 grasses are greener The girls are much cuter,repparttar 118226 cows are much leaner We'll conquerrepparttar 118227 world, my Thugglies and me THEY'RE my real family- They love me, you'll see."

King Frederick wiped a big tear from his eye, said, "Dear Son Freddy, please don't say goodbye" The world is a jungle, cruel and abusing You'll get bamboosled, you'll get a bad bruising.

But Freddy shouted, "Quiet, you looney old man Just gimme my money, as fast as you can!"

King Frederick thought "I don't owe him a thing" But I'll followrepparttar 118228 counsel of Cousin King Sting Who said "Sometimes love is to let people be" for "If you love someone you must set them free."

King stood up and said, I'll give half of my kingdom Then Fred will see just how much I love him (But Freddy just stood looking bored and half-sick And said "good enough, Daddy, -let's make it quite quick!").

Out camerepparttar 118229 servants with barrels and trunkets Silver by truckloads, Doubloons byrepparttar 118230 buckets Deeds forrepparttar 118231 land, forrepparttar 118232 houses and castles Clothes with gold hats zippers and diamonds on tassles.

And when finally they'd loadedrepparttar 118233 loot andrepparttar 118234 booty Prince Fred turned around with a shout super-snooty "Good riddance, Good King, and Tasmania too I'll conquerrepparttar 118235 world, just like I conquered YOU!

THE SQUANDERING Luke 15:13 "Not long after that,repparttar 118236 younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living."

So Fred bought a ship and a giant Jalope The Thugglies and some ofrepparttar 118237 girlies came hopping They sailed off to Greece, to Italia and Thebes Germania, San Pedro,repparttar 118238 Isle of Saint Dweebes Morocco, Swahili, Israeli, Bombay Calcutta, Cape Cod, Albakerkie and Spain The Thugglies all cheered "2,4,6, and 8 Freddie'srepparttar 118239 Thugguly we 'preciate We really love you, not just for your money- You're every boy's buddy, and every girl's honey.

They sailed to Cape horn whererepparttar 118240 Africans dance Got drunk on bamboo juice and wet in their pants (They droverepparttar 118241 Jalope all throughrepparttar 118242 Sahara 'til it broke down inrepparttar 118243 hot desert weatha') They Flew on a flybird to HulaHuLoo And swiggled and swayed likerepparttar 118244 hulahoo's doo They took a fast train to Bermuda for fishing And snork'ling and swimming and winnihee wishing Then off to Arabia seekingrepparttar 118245 carpet- The magic one- and whenrepparttar 118246 found it Fred bought it They rode likerepparttar 118247 wind on a magical flight So close torepparttar 118248 stars they could kiss them goodnight And they laughed and they sang and they never once worried ... Til they ran out of gas in Pougkipsee, Missouri Starving and thirsting from singing and lauging They searched out a truck stop for eating and gassing They ordered hamburglers and ice cream and coke- That's when Fred said with a gasp- "Friends, I'm broke!"

His 'friends' said, "Hey, Freddy-O, you must be jokin'" Fred said "I'm not..." and they started to choke him "Why have you brought us out here to Missouri?!"- they cried and they cried 'til their vision was blurry.

They beat Fred that night 'boutrepparttar 118249 head andrepparttar 118250 shoulders Kicked him and pelted him hard with small boulders, Then pooled every cent they'd embezzled from Fred Hopped a bird home and left Fred for dead.

PIGS Luke 15:14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need.

When Fred awoke inrepparttar 118251 ditchrepparttar 118252 next tuesday, Angry and dizzy and battered and bruisedy Seeing he needed some doct'ring and nursing He wobbled and bobbled back into Poughkipsee.

'These people will serve me as soon as they see My royal credentials, my choice pedigree I'm Frederickrepparttar 118253 Fifth, Son of Frederick The Fourth Heir torepparttar 118254 crown of Tasmania, of course!'

"Tasmania!", they laughed, "why it sounds to me Like this boy's been eatingrepparttar 118255 wackety weed! He thinks he's a Prince, but it's clear, he's a fake (disgrace) Fromrepparttar 118256 thuggardly look on his uggardly face He's nothing but trouble, repair bills, and grief Poughkipsee has no need for this little thief!"

Luke 15:15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. Luke 15:16 He longed to fill his stomach withrepparttar 118257 pods thatrepparttar 118258 pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

So Fred limped downrepparttar 118259 road, saw a farmer named Rooflus (fat, bald, and sweaty and dirty and toothless) Who said, "You can feed all my pigglies, you dooflus!"

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