ON THE IMPORTANCE OF ELEPHANTS -- Or, can you tell me where I can find “Babar”, “Dumbo” or “Topsy”? --

According to Google, 826,000 websites are devoted to topic of elephants.

Just imagine what would life be like if there were no behemoths rambling about to give someone a bad-hair day?

Actually these boisterous bruisers have been around for millennia; so long in fact that 4,000 years ago, people in Indus Valley decided it was about time to tame them.

Besides hauling around oodles of stuff, including monarchs and their entourages, plump pachyderms became weapon of choice for ancient warriors with lots of time on their hands. After all, no one moves quickly in a military campaign using ‘Babar’, ‘Dumbo’ or ‘Topsy’; everyone that is except Hannibal, who in 218 BC took a joy ride with 37 elephants over Alps to win Second Punic War.

Not to be outdone by continental hordes, nor content to be just 'King of Castle', British boasted of their intention to rule whole wide world before engineers laid claim to that feat first. To that end, they thought a few elephants might do trick. So, Royal Navy got busy and named two 18th century storage vessels and a gun-ship, “HMS Elephant”, (in spite of fact that gun-powder had rendered elephant obsolete as a high-performance fighting machine).

Wars involving blessedly big beasts and man-made monsters would soon fall by wayside, in favor of more popular "rat race", (a leisure activity pursued by ripsnorting rodents and robber-baron wannabes). Clearly, elephant would need a new reason for being if it was going to survive slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Since pet rocks, silly putty and slinkies had not yet been invented, rich and famous still needed something to amuse themselves. Elephants looked like a good idea at time. So, with a new lease on life, these hefty hairless creatures became objects of affection and "must-have" items of conspicuous consumption for several dudes of distinction. French Emperor Charlemagne acquired a hungry household pet named “Abul-Abbas”, while Pope Leo X, (with few friends around to chew fat and down a pint of grog), found solace through a spiritual connection to his non-ruminating hoofed animal companion, “Hanno”.

With far too many elephants and sacred cows hanging around and taking up space on planet, not to mention scads of young men with blunderbusses, and numerous old bucks bored out of their trees romping around back forty, a new trophy sport emerged to keep these testy titans occupied. While lads were enthusiastically engaged in "offing" floundering floppy-eared things plodding about plains of Africa -- taxidermists enjoyed a booming business upon their return. Apparently, only ones who complained bitterly about trophy hunt were those left behind -- an odd assortment of neglected nitpicking nags, abandoned paramours, and inconsolable damsels-in-distress.

Mostly, he talked about politics and believe me, he had a lot to say on subject. Much cannot be repeated in polite society or any other society.

All I know about politics I learned from my grandfather and yet, to this day I don't know if he was a Republican or a Democrat. He prided himself in being an independent thinker.

He was so much an independent thinker that often he would take opposite side of an argument.

For more than 20 years, he served in Department of Transportation regardless of political party in office at time. In fact, he was only person who never got fired when a new administration came to power. Every new administration thought he was on their side.

If a Republican was in office, he talked Republican and when a Democrat was in office, he talked Democrat. "It doesn't matter what you say," he once told me, "once inside that voting booth you are always boss." Then with a devious smile he would repeat, "always."

Few things in life he respected more than that voting booth. He deemed it a sacred obligation to vote and never missed a chance to exercise his American citizenship duty.

It was simply impossible to know how he voted. The secrecy of his vote was most precious thing he knew and could never understand why people boasted of who they were voting for.

I suspect, and I have no reason to really know this, he probably voted people "out of office" rather than in. Just a hunch I have, but will never know for sure.

During recent political campaign I heard phrase, "the devil is in details." The first time I heard that phrase it came from my grandfather. But he always said it a little differently. "The devil," he stated, "is in de tales." Then he would slap his knee and roar with laughter.

At time, I laughed with him but I really did not know full import of his little joke. Thirty years later, I'm beginning to understand what my grandfather was talking about and I'm inclined to believe he was right on money.

It is not "details" that gives so much trouble, it is insistence of "de tales," where devil lies. It is probably as difficult for a politician to tell straight truth as it is for a porcupine to go into business blowing up balloons for birthday parties.