Nurses, Bedpans And X-Rated Hospital Gowns

Written by Rev. James L. Snyder

Tuesday last I awoke from my nightly slumber with terrific pain in my chest, much like an elephant break-dancing on my chest. It was painful just to breathe, but likerepparttar trooper I am, I shrugged it off and set about my daily routine. Rather than improving,repparttar 118075 pain intensified.

I went to my office and startedrepparttar 118076 day's work only to find it almost impossible. Fortunately, my one daughter is a paramedic withrepparttar 118077 fire department andrepparttar 118078 other is an EMT withrepparttar 118079 county ambulance service. Sitting at my desk, I sawrepparttar 118080 vehicles pull intorepparttar 118081 church office parking lot.

Within a few minutes, my office was filled with EMTs and paramedics. (Someone and I'll mention no name, only to say this person who lives atrepparttar 118082 same address as I, squealed on me.) Their unified mission was convincing a rather stubborn preacher to go torepparttar 118083 hospital. According to their examination, it was possible I was having a heart attack.

Who knew I even had a heart?

Each took turns persuading me that I needed to go torepparttar 118084 hospital. Their strategy was to wear me down. To my credit, it took half a dozen to dorepparttar 118085 job. The ambulance was outside and in a few minutes, so they assured me, they could have me inrepparttar 118086 emergency room.

"What about it, Reverend," a good- looking paramedic said, "how about going torepparttar 118087 hospital?"

"Okay," I finally agreed, "but I'm not going inrepparttar 118088 ambulance, I've already mortgaged my house."

I was escorted to my paramedic daughter's jeep and away we went torepparttar 118089 ER.

When we arrived atrepparttar 118090 hospital, they rushed me intorepparttar 118091 emergency room and started working on me.

After a few hours, I came to myself (which is a shock in and of itself) and discovered my chest had been shaven. Now, what I need to know is, once shaved always shaved? Just a theological ruse.

In examining my chest, I discovered I had 17 nipples of which all but two were hooked up to some monitoring system. When a person, such as I, is in a dazed confused condition, this is enough to create a heart attack.

The medical staff put me through allrepparttar 118092 tests they had in their diagnostic arsenal. Evidently I had crammedrepparttar 118093 night before because I passed allrepparttar 118094 their tests with flying colors. Although I passedrepparttar 118095 testsrepparttar 118096 pain in my chest continued.

During my medical odyssey, I discovered three things.

The first has to do with nurses, which arerepparttar 118097 first line of defense in a medical situation. Sometimes n and I'm not complaining, just grateful n they arerepparttar 118098 only lines of defense. Certainly, they arerepparttar 118099 link to everything a person needs.

It is extremely important to keep on good terms with these angels of mercy. For one, they arerepparttar 118100 ones who wieldrepparttar 118101 needles inrepparttar 118102 ER.


Written by Sherlock Tidpit

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS ...or, are you surerepparttar power is off?

-- By Sherlock Tidpit, a jest-in-time™ technology expert, (and amateur sci-fi investigator of certain rare extra-terrestrial phenomena such asrepparttar 118074 timid “Stippleback Sourpuss”,repparttar 118075 ever-elusive, wingless “Surly Spatterbug”, andrepparttar 118076 invisible, two-tailed “Soiled Specklemonger”)

A recent survey by WHAMS, (World Hoof & Mouth Society), indicates that more people these days are putting their feet (and in some cases hoofs) in their mouths than ever before.

Evidence suggests that a pandemic plague in frequent flopping, habitual botching, and ubiquitous blundering from such convexed contortions could have a deleterious effect uponrepparttar 118077 health and well-being of all living things onrepparttar 118078 planet.

Leading scientific researchers, (just a titch left of centre), attribute this rather odd behavior or recreational pastime torepparttar 118079 indubitable fact that humans require a minimum of fifteen minutes of fame during their lifetime (no matter whatrepparttar 118080 cost orrepparttar 118081 consequences). A minority group of right-wing researchers onrepparttar 118082 fringes of frank thought and utilitarian understanding argue that this behavior is not unusual or statistically significant since large mammals with feet outnumber mouths by a factor of 2:1 and, in some cases, by as much as 4:1.

Healers from aroundrepparttar 118083 globe, (a traditionally spell-binding, pill-popping, and cut-it-out group of practitioners), have however been a tad overwhelmed byrepparttar 118084 flood of fools showing up for treatment at medical facilities, truth temples, and local fix-it shops.

Onrepparttar 118085 other hand, dentists everywhere, (a traditionally happy-go-lucky lot), are reporting a higher burn-out rate than expected, due to an alarming increase inrepparttar 118086 rate of emergency hoof extraction procedures performed on hordes of frantic fools turned away byrepparttar 118087 physicians, hands-on-healers, and snake charmers.

Grief counselors and social workers from every nook and cranny, (a traditionally taciturn group of professionals), are disturbed byrepparttar 118088 chronic level of under-funding for programs to assistrepparttar 118089 victims of foot folly who’ve fallen not surprisingly betweenrepparttar 118090 cracks. They will be launching a petition shortly to lobby government officials for more money, or failing that, atrepparttar 118091 very least ... an opportunity to be touched by an angel, dabbed byrepparttar 118092 wand of a fairy godmother, or maybe a night out onrepparttar 118093 town with "The Man from Glad".

Transnational financial institutions (a traditionally tight-wad group of titans with a penchant for taboo tattoos) have expressed concern aboutrepparttar 118094 never-before-seen deluge in requests from distraught dingbats, wayward wingnuts, and testy tomfools wishing to cash out their savings or cash-in their insurance policies. This unprecedented activity is jammingrepparttar 118095 phone lines to call centres, crashing computer systems, and overheatingrepparttar 118096 economy leading to a currency crisis, an inflated funny-money supply, and an exponential growth in money-laundering machines (that won't take quarters).

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