My Baloney Has a First Name and Other Shallow Thoughts

Written by Joe Hickman

The tobacco industry must be stopped. I've felt that way ever since I quit smoking.

No one should have to suffer from Alzheimer's with memory prices so low.

Nothing slows you down more than your cat catching a paw in your laser printer.

My baloney has a first name, it's f-a-t-t-y.

My wife washed my Odor Eaters, and put Bounce inrepparttar dryer. You should seerepparttar 143237 way I walk now. Yesterday one ofrepparttar 143238 new guys winked at me.

My bank says it will soon be paperless. I'm not intimidated -- gas station restrooms have been paperless for years.

Gay Zombie Hunter's Dilemma

Written by Karl Mueller

The title of this article may lead you to believe that I hunt gay zombies. This is untrue, mostly because zombies who were once gay humans are now too gross to still be considered ‘gay’. Their cards were revoked long ago. No no, I am a gay hunter of zombies, and I need your advice.

Now thatrepparttar world has been overrun with flesh eating monsters its’ become more difficult to find fashionable merchandise. No longer arerepparttar 141687 days of Channel spring lines and Ikea super sales. Now we must scavengerepparttar 141688 city, risking our lives in a quest for that perfect pair of shoes. Often I pretend like I’m living out Pretty Woman, except now whenrepparttar 141689 clerks don’t let me shop I take action with a double shot gun.

I say ‘we’ because there are others that survived. Not many, but there are a few. Mostly goths in black netting with pale white faces; apparently they looked too dead already. I was very lucky myself. You see, that particular day was a ‘me’ day, where I locked my doors, turned offrepparttar 141690 phones and played Madonna, Cher, and Britney Spears on rotation for 18 hours. How fabulous! In any case I missedrepparttar 141691 worst of it, and when I awoke from my blissful stupor I realized that my peaceful shopping days were over.

Now lets get back torepparttar 141692 real problem. I decided to go for a stroll throughrepparttar 141693 city on a mission to obtain a set of dinnerware to match my couch and coaster set. I plan to use them ifrepparttar 141694 world ever repopulates enough to justify social events (hopefully withrepparttar 141695 ‘right’ type of people this time around, if you know what I mean). Never can be too prepared. So I put on my Egyptian cotton shirt, pin stripe pants and pushed my way pastrepparttar 141696 outdated Ugg boots in my closet to grab my running shoes (hey, I can’t be all glamour when battlingrepparttar 141697 undead). Then I grabbed my pink ‘girl power’ chainsaw and went to town.

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