No one should have to suffer from Alzheimer's with memory prices so low.

Nothing slows you down more than your cat catching a paw in your laser printer.

My baloney has a first name, it's f-a-t-t-y.

My wife washed my Odor Eaters, and put Bounce in dryer. You should see way I walk now. Yesterday one of new guys winked at me.

Now that world has been overrun with flesh eating monsters its’ become more difficult to find fashionable merchandise. No longer are days of Channel spring lines and Ikea super sales. Now we must scavenge city, risking our lives in a quest for that perfect pair of shoes. Often I pretend like I’m living out Pretty Woman, except now when clerks don’t let me shop I take action with a double shot gun.

I say ‘we’ because there are others that survived. Not many, but there are a few. Mostly goths in black netting with pale white faces; apparently they looked too dead already. I was very lucky myself. You see, that particular day was a ‘me’ day, where I locked my doors, turned off phones and played Madonna, Cher, and Britney Spears on rotation for 18 hours. How fabulous! In any case I missed worst of it, and when I awoke from my blissful stupor I realized that my peaceful shopping days were over.