MUSTARD, MAYO, CUT THE PICKLESTrust radius, an EQ competency, suggests trusting someone until you have been proven wrong, but you don’t want to damage yourself in
process. Midlife dating has its perils, and if you’ve been out of dating world for some time, you’ll need a refresher course.
First of all, you have to know what you want, because, like wall of pantyhose or cheeses you stare at in supermarket, there are now 500 choices, where there used to be three. Okay, two if you were Catholic. But today you can “have it your way,” and you can’t imagine what this means to some men!
So when you get to drive-in window, know what you want. Companionship without commitment? Is that with or without sex? Do you want long-term and sex? Is that with or without commitment? Friend with benefits? Benefits without friendship? Marriage? Is that marriage with or without fidelity? (What do you mean “Am I kidding?”)
Nearly two thirds of 27,000,000 singles over age of 50 in US say they don’t date because they prefer being single, and 9% say they would not date ever, under any circumstances, so you can’t assume anything.
You need to know your own expectations and goals, to find out those of man you’re dating, and then get some definitions of terms. This is why you communicate, and don’t be shy! The heart you save could be your own.
Most men will say what they want without beating around bush. But they don’t volunteer it (why use words until you have to?), you must ask.
Martha asked Rob about marriage after they’d been dating a while, and he replied, “Oh, one woman would never be enough for me.” Martha was then sure she was woman who would be. She wasn’t listening. Whenever he told her he’d never met anyone like her, her wishful thinking interpreted that to mean “…and so I’ll be one he’ll be faithful to.”
Guess what? She was wrong.
Barring incorrigible sociopath, men don’t lie, women just ignore what they hear because they don’t want to hear it. Martha ended up hurt, but you can’t say Rob lied or had bad intentions. He put it right out there. She just refused to believe it.
One reason we do this is because men are big fabricators, especially when they’re courting. When they’re trying to get you into bed, you’ll get a steady stream of head-spinning affirmations, which should be taken with a grain of salt. HOWEVER, even during this fragile period, when asked a direct question, i.e., “Do you want a committed long-term relationship?” they will answer truthfully. It’s part of peculiar and contradictory Male Honor Code.
THE MALE HONOR CODE PART II
Another part of Male Honor Code is “what’s good for gander is not good for goose.” He honestly believes, and may honestly expect you to “understand,” that it’s not cheating if he sleeps with another woman, but that it is cheating if you sleep with another man.
Don’t be fooled that because he demands fidelity from you it means he requires it of himself. He’ll likely deny there’s any connection. “That’s different,” he will say, with a perfectly straight face, just as if he were making sense. They do not seem to outgrow this with age. They do not necessarily become more comprehensible!
“I LOVE YOU” OUT OF CONTEXT
Because men are not as adept with words and nuances, when he says something like “I love you,” watch to see if be behaves that way; if he acts that way. He may not actually know what word “love” means. (Perhaps your first husband did not!)
Unless they bottom out, men get better at courting with age, and it’s one of life’s greatest thrills. Enjoy it. Just stick around to see what lies on other side of it. “I love you” may mean “I want your body” to him, while to you it may mean “I am ready to make a commitment, to be kind and faithful to you, to respect you and care about you …”
Be wary of phrase “I love you” if you haven’t dated in a while. Men of Silent Generation (born before 1944) generally uttered those three words only at end of a long and serious courtship. It was tantamount to a marriage proposal, and was likely to be said only once, unless one of you happened to be on a deathbed or something. “Why do I have to say it? I married you didn’t I?” was response. You see what “I love you” meant back then?? As sacred as Yahweh, it was not to uttered.
