Title: Loving Your Spouse When Your Spouse is Not Loving You Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 791 Category: Relationships

LOVING YOUR SPOUSE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT LOVING YOU Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Marlo and Jack have been married for twelve years and have two young children. Marlo and Jack each state that they love each other, yet Marlo does not feel loved by Jack, while Jack states that he is content with relationship.

In their relationship system, Marlo tends to be caretaker, while Jack is taker. Marlo often thinks about what would please Jack, while Jack rarely thinks about what Marlo wants or feels.

What should Marlo do? Should she leave Jack, even though she loves him? Should she continue to try to get him to care about her, which has never worked? These are questions Marlo had for me when she had a counseling session with me on phone.

Marlo was quite surprised when I told her that neither action was warranted at this time.

“Marlo,” I said to her, “there is a good possibility that way Jack treats you is a mirror of how you treat yourself. How often do you think about what you want or feel?”

“Not very often. I usually think more about Jack and my kids than I do about myself. I think it’s selfish to think about myself. I want to be loving, not selfish.”

Marlo was confused between selfishness and self-responsibility. Actually, in their relationship, Jack was selfish one in expecting Marlo to give herself up to take responsibility for his feelings and needs. By not caring about her own feelings and needs, Marlo was training her children to be selfish as well. They were already learning to blame her for their feelings and expect her to give herself up for them. As soon as Jack or children would get angry or withdraw, Marlo would feel guilty and responsible and give herself up to do what they wanted.

Financial power struggles challenge even most solid partnership. Unfortunately, money too often equates to control in a relationship. The delicate balance of power between you is dependent on successful combination of love and money.

In majority of relationships today, both members contribute financial resources. Despite strides women have made toward financial equality on job, though, men still have greater earning power. In general, with more disposable income, men invest more money and take greater risks than women. Women as a whole are more conservative in their investments because it takes them longer to earn money. Money attitudes are also influenced by age, family upbringing, religion, and each person's own unique financial trials and errors.

Everyone has opened a bank account, paid rent or mortgage, kept telephone and electricity turned on. When you make decision to share your life with someone, though, such mundane issues suddenly become complicated.

Do you keep separate bank accounts or do you put all money in one account? How do you split monthly expenses? Do you each pay a portion or do you pay bills out of a joint account? Should you be able to sign on your partner's bank account? Did one of you bring assets to relationship that other uses, such as a car or a home, for which expenses should be shared?

Financial advice for couples over fifty varies significantly depending on age, economic status and dependents. Every situation is different, but following is general advice for everyone.

Many modern couples keep their finances separate, while others opt to pool all their funds. Making decision on day-to-day handling of what was formerly “his” and “her” money can be a tough one.