Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is greatest sport ever?

Some say "football". Some say "baseball". Canadians say "hockey". The rest of world says "soccer". (Actually, they say "football", too...but they mean "soccer".

I say: "kissing". Yes, kissing is greatest sport ever. Allow me to recount just a few of reasons.

Kissing is a very versatile sport. There are so many kisses – at least one for each occasion. There is peck on cheek kiss, peck on each cheek kiss, peck on your nephew's cheek kiss while grabbing other cheek flab with your hand, madly passionate kiss, kiss on hand, kiss of death, "Hey you! Kiss this!", and even town of Kissimmee (founded by early Italian pioneer kissers) in Florida.

Kissing is easy to transport. It really doesn't matter where you are. You can kiss: at gym, in boardroom, in space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September.

Kissing requires very little equipment, meaning you can do it even when unprepared, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and hang gliders

Kissing always livens things up. Try this: next time you are in a booooring meeting that seems to last foreeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan.

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help environment.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving.

Kissing is non toxic...unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you avoid mouth area.

You know that if he could've done it before 911, Osama would've come out of his cave and gone to top of a mountain where his cell phone reception was better and had a conversation with Saddam that would've probably gone something like following (translated into English for your convenience):

Osama said, "Hello, Saddam?"

"Who's this?" Saddam asked.

"Osama."

"Omarosa?"

"No, Osama. Hold on while I try another spot… Can you hear me now?"

"Osama! What can I do you for?"

"Saddam, my buddy, my friend. You know that we've never quite seen eye-to-eye."

"That's because you're almost eight feet tall, you freak."

"That's what I like about you, Saddam, your sense of humor. And your desire to kill infidels."