Brrrrrringgg. The telephone rang.

It was as predictable as Niagara Falls. We had just sat down to a piping hot dinner, so of course telephone would ring. My wife reminded me that just because phone rings, doesn't mean we have to answer it, but...

"Hello," I answered.

"Good evening, sir. I am calling to let you know about a fantabulous new insurance program that will protect you, your family and everyone you ever meet from warts," The Voice declared. "Isn't this an exciting time to be spending on this planet?"

"Are you trying to sell something?" I asked suspiciously, knowing that answer would be...

"Not at all, sir," The Voice assured me. "I am just calling to let you know that you can now be protected against warts for much less than you would think."

He greatly overestimated my fascination with actuarial aspects of living wartlessly. "And you are not trying to sell me anything?" I asked hopefully.

"Of course not," The Voice repeated. "I am calling to protect your entire family from warts forever."

"My grandmother is already protected against warts forever," I mused out loud.

Complete silence. "How did she do that?" The Voice asked with subdued awe.

"She died," I replied. "She's been protected for forty years, now. We suspect that she will remain protected forever."

"Uh. I see," The Voice replied. "You, too, can be protected against warts..."

"You want me to die?" I asked.

"No..."

"Honey, this telemarketer is threatening me," I called out into kitchen.

"Well get back here, then," my wife responded. "Your dinner is getting cold."

"Now look here," The Voice began.

"Now see what you've done," I scolded into telephone. "You've upset my wife. You could at least have waited until after dinner to threaten me."

My wife called out again. "Why do you have to answer phone during dinner? Just because it rings doesn't mean you have to answer it."

I shouted back. "It would be rude not to answer. The Voice took time out of his busy schedule to warn us about warts – least we can do is take time to thank him. Now," I said into phone. "About those threats."

At this rate, it will take just 14,750 years for clumsiness and carelessness to wipe out entire population. Fortunately, al-Qaeda is not aware of this statistic and remains fixated on ka-booming things instead of creating mass clumsiness and carelessness.

But is it true that home is no longer a safe haven? Is home really a foreboding lair of unpredictable dangers? Has home become very place where we are most likely to look evil square in eyes and say, in all sincerity, "AAAAARRRRGGHHH!"

My home is.

We have a smoke alarm in our home. Smoke alarms are supposed to be good guys, right? They warn us about impending suffocation by smoke-breathing fire.

Not ours. Our smoke alarm warns us of slightly warm soon-to-be-toast. It lets out an ear-splitting screech. Yes, split-ear injuries are becoming commonplace in our home.

And toaster is an obvious accomplice. How else would smoke alarm know to attack just as soon-to-be-toast warms up?

Diapers are becoming dangerous, too. Aside from obvious hazards of unsanitary suffocation when a toddler in a dirty diaper won't stop squirming and wriggling, and makes her way across your face toward couch, there is parent factor to consider.