During a church revival, I came under conviction and asked many questions, on
way home. I remember fear of not wanting to go to hell. It was my father that came into my bedroom, which was kind of odd, being that dad and I had never talked about much of anything. But, mom wasn't saved, yet, herself. So, she reneged on this one.
Though, it wasn't bad at all ... our first meaningful conversation. Dad brought a kitchen chair into my bedroom, I sat on bed, and we talked. He explained several things and led me as to how to ask Jesus into my heart.
It has been said that I began carrying my Bible everywhere and that I went to every house, in neighborhood, to tell others about Jesus (also with Bible in hand). I have no idea how I might have used that Bible, if called upon to do so. But, carrying it seemed Christian thing to do.
Though, I wish I could remember that, Joy of My Salvation. But, instead, I was sort of robbed.
There were many preachers and evangelists at church, this week. They had come for revival. And, they all wanted to meet me. My parents did ask if I would agree to meeting, for which I did. But, still, it was a bit intimidating, having to answer to all those giants.
You see, they didn't believe I was yet at age of accountability. They thought I was too young and said that it was almost unheard of. Their concern was that I wouldn't understand what I was doing.
I may have only been six years old. But, they were wrong.
Then, once mom got saved, her and dad began mission work. Today, it's called 'church planting' and, of course, laborers were few. Thus, new converts were often my teachers. It was era (error) of Hell, Fire, and Brimstone preaching and that was only God these new converts knew.
This was also age when it was, yet, common and expected thing to do ~ to go to altar, seeking forgiveness. It didn't help to not even have a memory of Joy of My Salvation. So, there were times I questioned if I had been saved at all.
One of our preachers even testified that he had been called to preach, but had not yet done so ~ and that God told him He could even take his children if he didn't agree.
Thus, my concept of God gradually developed to envision a monster that couldn't wait for me to mess up, so He could hit me over head. And, I was sure that is what happened when my marriage turned into an abusive nightmare.
Truly, there was much deliberation between 'kill or be killed', as there didn't appear to be another out. To 'take my chances with God' didn't seem to be a viable option. Only, with death or prison only other solutions ~ with support of family and a team of officers, I took a flying leap into unknown, escaped, and filed for divorce.
In my training, divorce fit right up there with unpardonable sin. Even though he had also been unfaithful, I was more than shocked that God didn't strike me dead.
There had been no prior training to be anything other than virtuous woman. A child had been conceived in rape, which was my only hope of not living my remainder years alone. Another marriage wasn't within options God allowed, or so I thought. I hadn't prepared to be breadwinner. Really, I thought my life was over ... and I was only 18 years old.
For three days, I sat in a trance while listening to record "Like a Bridge Over Troubled Waters'. Only, song had never been explained to me. I thought I was that sinking bridge, as I just couldn't be that strength anymore.
Books on overcoming effects of abuse had not yet been written. The only answer I could come up with was this ... if I just did all right things, I would never have to live like that again. In such thinking, I began to adopt lifestyle of legalism.
Still cold and dead inside, none would be wiser. Only, God knows what service is from heart ... and I didn't have one. If I didn't feel, no one could ever hurt me like that again.
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In time, I did remarry and, eventually, a miracle child was conceived ... and I was sure this was child God would take.
Labor did not produce birth and, with each contraction, baby's heart rate diminished. Hour after hour, doctors deliberated as to whether or not to do a c-section, then still did nothing. This was beginning of new (barbaric) era of natural child birth.
Only, there was no doubt, death was imminent; mine, baby's, or both. Unknown to anything else, mom said she had felt it, too ~ and she was miles away.
Fully understanding that I deserved for this baby to die, I was prepared to accept it. But, this was my husband's only biological child and he would not understand why God would do this to him.
Thus, I asked God to preserve relationship between Him and my husband. The baby didn't yet know me. So, she would not know to suffer my loss, as was my thinking. I was prepared to go, even if in her place. Only, I had another child that really needed me and there was no other answer for that.
