JEEPERS CREEPERS IT'S JULY!

-- Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in July 2005 –-

**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon**

July is one of popular jocund, jocose, and jocular months of year.

In a nutshell, this means one can be jestful, merry, playful and witty without fear of becoming a public spectacle.

After all, it’s summertime (and in some places like Canada, this 60-day season comes but once a year along with oodles of blinking bugs, black bears, and far too many blessed barbecues).

“Joie de vivre” is in air! So, get ready to jay-walk with joy, munch on jelly-beans with reckless abandon, and jog to your heart’s content (without any clothes on of course).

So without further adieu, "May our karma run over your dogma". And if you don’t fancy that, then please proceed with caution while merrily meditating upon following odd activities designed to put a smile on your face or introduce you to Spunky Spirit of Sushine that resides in all of us.

July 1 – JUMP FOR JOY DAY (Time to leap tall buildings, skip something important on your to-do list, and hang out with all other jungle-bunnies at Jungle Gym).

July 2 – JUNK ART, JUNK BOND, AND JUNK MAIL APPRECIATION DAY (Who said there’s no gold in them there hills of riff-raff and really tasty refuse!)

July 3 – JEZEBEL RECOGNITION DAY (A festive occasion to celebrate red-hot mommas, fashion-conscious floosies, and those saucy, sultry sirens that spice up life!)

July 4 – JUMBO APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor all white elephants supported by public taxpayers, and those everyone ignores sitting in their living rooms).

July 5 – JOUSTING TOURNAMENT DAY (For all Knights of Board-Room Table who need to don their jock straps and shiny armor suits, ride well-heeled hobby horses, and yell “cowabunga” while poking each other in mid-riff with super-duper, ludicrously long whopping rubber pointy things just to have a bit of fun and frolic).

July 6 – JOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor humble but clean and safe public places of ease one can access to take a piddle during a parade, a leisurely leak during a jamboree or just let creative juices flow at an outdoor jazz festival …when nature calls and there isn’t a blinking one in sight for miles).

July 7 – NATIONAL JERRY-BUILD & JURY-RIG RECOGNITION DAY (It’s never too late to honor all those marvelous makeshift folks who simply slap things together with a bit of duct-tape, silly putty, and glue without it falling around their ears!)

July 8 – JUNKET AWARENESS DAY (Time to audit all places politicians, pundits, and grand pooh-bahs have visited in name of “expanding business opportunities” or “understanding diverse cultures” …all on taxpayers’ tab!)

July 9 – JIM-DANDY, WHIZBANG & HUMDINGER DAY (A great way to honor average Joes who want a name change and need a reason to have a party when it isn’t even their birthday or anniversary …they’re just happy not to be at work today!)

July 10 – JEEPERS CREEPERS - IT'S CRAB APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of all those cranky Cancer-types who love security, money, food, children and also some very old casual clothes you wouldn’t be caught dead even if they have designer-labels and were once worn by Batman or Bees Knees for that matter).

July 11 – JOLLY JUXTAPOSING DAY (For all those folks with a color-coordination or mix-and-match impairment gene, and now a valid excuse to dress up like a dork!)

July 12 – JOYSTICK & JOYRIDE AWARENESS DAY (This day is dedicated to people who are all thumbs, hate teeter-totters, and always dreamed of driving a kiddy-car).

Time is defined by The American Heritage Dictionary of English Language as: 'A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from past through present to future.' This definition leads us to obvious question: If a definition contains 20 word, 5 of which contain 10 or more letters, and it still doesn't make much sense, isn't it time to get another dictionary?

Of course, dictionaries aren't only people who have trouble with time. The ancient Mayans, for example, struggled to understand time for centuries and never got it quite right. One look at their calender clues you in to this fact. The Mayan calender had 18 months, one of which was called ChikChan (short for May), and each month had 20 days. There was even one month, Wayeb, that had only 5 days. As you can imagine, this horribly inaccurate calender made scheduling important events like Super Bowl next to impossible. It also left them wide open to insults from other ancient civilizations, like Sumerians for example, who had fairly accurate calenders.

The Sumerian calender had 365 days per year and even incorporated a leap year. Sadly, there was no Presidents Day, Martin Luther King Day, or Arbor Day incorporated into Sumerian calender which is why Sumerian civilization was eventually wiped out. Such flagrant calender discrimination, even in Dark Ages, could not be tolerated.

Since we have covered all pertinent information available about calenders, I think it's high time we expand our understanding of time by discussing another mechanism by which we mortals judge passing of it. But first, does anyone know where phrase 'high time' comes from? Is there such a thing as 'low time'. Feel free to ponder these questions quietly as we move on to discussing: The Clock.