Bill’s heart started pounding and he shook with rage. “Why does he defy me?” he thought. “I don’t need this tonight.”

A hard day at office can be followed by a hard day at home, and today’s fathers often work 60-70 hours a week.

Nobody said parenting was easy, and many of today’s fathers didn’t have much of a role model. It’s likely they had fathers who were distant; providing, but not involved.

If you decide you want to be a better father than you are now, or better than one you had, where do you begin?

We decided to talk with Fathering Coach, Mark Brandenburg, MA, CPPC, ( http://www.markbrandenburg.com ) a therapist who is now coaching, and specializes in helping men balance important things in their lives.

SD: “What’s new on fathering scene, Mark? Have things changed?”

Mark: In sense that fathering is always something we can improve on, there are a lot of men who’d like to but aren’t sure where to start. Not feeling close to their own fathers, they aren’t sure what it looks like. They go to a baseball game with their Dad, and sit side-by-side and talk about players and don’t even look at one another.

SD: Isn’t that how men bond?

Mark: Traditionally yes. Men tend to bond by doing things together, not by talking together or going into depth, and that’s something, but it’s not fulfilling.

SD: How so?

Mark: I don’t think it satisfies that deep need than children have to be accepted by their fathers. We need to be accepted by our fathers.

SD: How do you show that to a child?

Mark: By spending quality time with your kids. Doing more around house. Men today want to be better fathers at same time work demands are higher than ever, so it’s a stressful situation.

SD: So if a man wants to become a more effective father, what’s first thing he should do?

Mark: Start with what I call “the conversation”. In it you talk to your child about changes you’d like to make. Perhaps it’s about spending more time together. But if you just try to get more involved, your kid is likely to say, “What’s going on with you?” I recommend my clients say something like, “I’ve not been involved enough and I’m not happy with that and I hope it’s okay if we try something different. What do you think?”

If you have a previously uninvolved father, you’re going to have some resistant kids who will test you to see if you really mean it. You’ll definitely get some resistance. Change scares a lot of people.

SD: But isn’t client going to change his way of parenting?

Mark: Yes, and that’s why coaching works. Change is never easy. It always involves risk. It takes courage. If a client makes commitment to change, I can make process easier, with practical how-to tips and also an understanding of what it’s like, because it requires emotional intelligence, too.

SD: So what does getting involved with your kids look like in real life?

PEACE & QUIET

“Offer your child peace and quiet,” says Noise Center. “Noise poses a serious threat to children's hearing, health, learning and behavior.” (And I can’t think of an adult who functions well in a noisy environment either.) “Peace” and “quiet” usually go together because without “quiet” there can be no “peace.”

Aside from turning down TV and stereo, lowering your voice, and providing opportunity for quiet time in both their work and leisure, take a look at toys you allow your children to play with.

Fortunately my children didn’t suffer hearing loss from obnoxiously loud toys they played with, but I must admit I told them to quit for my sake, not theirs, and I was always standing a good bit father away from their toy than they were. One father I know immediately disarms any noise-making function on a toy his child receives, and this may not be a bad idea.

And because they’re young doesn’t work in this case. You might assume, for instance, that your teenager can take that 85 decibels (dB) music because he’s a teenager, but that isn’t case. Children’s ear canals are shorter than adults, and therefore more vulnerable to damage in this way.

A study conducted by Henry Ford Health System found that many current toys, including tape recorders, bike horns, cap guns, and toy telephones, are not safe for your child’s hearing. Of 25 they tested, more than half of them made sounds higher than 115 dBs.

According to The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, at 110 dB, maximum undamaging exposure time is one minute and 29 seconds.

NOTE: In researching this article I found a variety of decibels, as well as length of exposure before damage and also read studies saying that individuals varied in their tolerance for noises. The data is not consistent, but will give you a range. Should you be wondering what protection to take when, ask your personal healthcare professional for medical advice.

PERMANENT INSTANT DAMAGE

The ear is more unforgiving than you may know. A loud enough noise can cause instant, permanent damage, some noises can cause damage if heard long enough, and there is also cumulative effect over time. Prevention is crucial because noise-induced hearing loss can’t be corrected, and hearing aids don’t do much good.

Sound is vibration and has three properties: intensity, frequency and duration. “Intensity” is what is measured in decibels (dBs). A measure called dBA indicates damage to hearing. The higher dBA number, greater risk of damage to hearing. This is because intensity translates to pressure on eardrum.

What sound has what dBs? There is a long list of dBs (which they equate with dBAs) on League for Hard of Hearing website ( http://www.lhh.org/noise/decibel.htm ), including various recreational and work situations. A noisy squeeze toy rates an alarming 135dB from them.

“Noise levels above 85 dB will harm hearing over time,” they caution, and “noise levels above 140dB can cause damage to hearing after just one exposure.” 140dB is also pain threshold; most of us hearing a sound at this level will feel it as well. All values are approximate.