I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings.
This person has found a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in love.”
They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling
love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.)
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is norm – implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong – with you, your spouse or marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find “that loving feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a “good” person and desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, “falling out of love” usually happens when attractors become distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control.
