Written by Beatrice Blitterless & Earl Craboon

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005

IT'S MIRTHFUL MAY! -- Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in May 2005 --

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon

Let’s see…it’s MIRTHFUL MAY. According torepparttar Calendar of Quips, we’re already five months intorepparttar 136213 “Year ofrepparttar 136214 Rooster”.

If you’re not a rooster, you’re plumb out of luck this year. Forget about finding a bag of loot inrepparttar 136215 barnyard, it hasrepparttar 136216 rooster’s name on it not yours. But there is one day you can take credit for, “Poppycock Appreciation Day”!

But if you’re into dancing around a May pole, sending a soppy Mother’s Day card, or maybe even dressing up like a cow inrepparttar 136217 Island Dairy Victoria Day parade in British Columbia’s capital city – you’ve hitrepparttar 136218 jackpot.

Onrepparttar 136219 other hand, you could chuckrepparttar 136220 whole thing and take your long awaited a trip to visit Uncle Tootall in Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario.

Are you really committed to chewingrepparttar 136221 fat with weird Aunt Willow, playing with all those ill-behaved pets, not to mention swatting black flies and listening to those morally-uplifting tales aroundrepparttar 136222 campfire aboutrepparttar 136223 joys of living in “God’s Country”?

Why not just stay home and enjoyrepparttar 136224 frivolous festivities of MIRTHFUL MAY plusrepparttar 136225 glorious mayhem that may result from having a good time.

1. "May Pole Dancing Appreciation Day" (put on your dancing shoes, it’s time to triprepparttar 136226 light fantastic …no that doesn’t mean gawking atrepparttar 136227 girls in g-strings)

2. "Whoohoo Awareness Day" (now’s your time to shinerepparttar 136228 spotlight on anyone you know with questionable attitudes, unusual proclivities, and tasteless pastimes)

3. "SNAFU Appreciation Day" (it’s definitely time to celebrate “Silly No-Nos and Funny Undertakings” that truly drive people uprepparttar 136229 wall or aroundrepparttar 136230 bend)

4. "You Deal With It Day" (the one occasion when all those “yes” folk get to surprise everyone by declaring "No" – You Deal With It …I’m going fishing today, so there!)

5. "Polka Dot & Plaid Day" (another mirthful mix and match day – a great way to make a fashion statement by wearing any weird wardrobe you please!)

6. "Toot Your Own Horn Day" (time to flaunt every frigging diploma/award you’ve got – like “Best Kisser inrepparttar 136231 World”, “First Class Stud” or “Grade 2 Grad”)

7. "Party Pooper Appreciation Day" (time to suggest that allrepparttar 136232 wet-blanket wunderkinds you know visit a God-forsaken place like Zap, North Dakota)

8. "Of Course I Love You Day" (time to honor Momma Bears, or more torepparttar 136233 point,repparttar 136234 wonder-women who have brought all those bundles of joy intorepparttar 136235 world -- a little more flower-power if you please!)

9. "Broccoli & Brussel Sprout Appreciation Day" (for those who haven’t got a clue what frigging finger-foods are or how to make a heart-healthy veggie burger)

10. "One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eater Day" (time to discover what doesn’t hang out in a petting zoo, inhabit a fish tank, or live on Mars)

11. "National Nosey-Parker Day" (in recognition of allrepparttar 136236 interlopers, meddlers and busybodies you know who couldn’t survive without a piece of juicy gossip)

12. "Pluto Appreciation Day" (let “nonsense” be your guide; just ask everyone you meet today what attractions they would suggest you see when you visit your favorite planet in our solar system next week)

13. "Hand-Made Gift Appreciation Day" (use your fingers, toes, or if nothing else your wee noodle to dream up something to impress a funky friend)

Package Baggage

Written by Perry Estelle

It always fries my brains when I have nothing more creative to do with my time than visit a computer store. It is a bit like sending a Brit soldier torepparttar gulf without any body armour. I am always caught betweenrepparttar 136033 friendly fire of spotty computer experts who start rubbing themselves up against a flatscreen thinner than a fagpaper while explainingrepparttar 136034 difference between 12 bit and 16 bit digital processing. The ears loosen fromrepparttar 136035 moorings I start to suck my thumb and playfully kickrepparttar 136036 heels. Apart fromrepparttar 136037 ugliness of computer furniture, I have very little to say about it all as it is not my chosen field. I might add that I findrepparttar 136038 odd transition of white to black monitors although some sort of fashion statement will not be changed purely to matchrepparttar 136039 cushions in my house. That, suffice to say, is hardly more excitement than I can possibly bear. Who decides this bollocks? You and l just get used to black computers, and a brass 'wirewool' finish with pastel stencils will rocket intorepparttar 136040 market no doubt. What next, pewter printers and walnut keyboards? My friend usually swings byrepparttar 136041 computer shop while on his own errands because frankly, I would slip out of this dimension and straight into a coma if somebody tried to educate me on such matters.

But what is it with designer packaging? I watched onrepparttar 136042 news recently about a certain 'Mr Big' who was arrested for peddling cheap DVD's and it would appear he owed his brief success to selling movies for about three quid and thus had very few complaints from his growing customer base. Now if an Asian asylum seeking entrepreneur can spot a corner inrepparttar 136043 market after just six years in 'Blighty' what does that tell you about our over-priced, over-packaged, over-hyped, etc etc products, whose manufacturers are surprised when a pirate industry springs up and takes 40% ofrepparttar 136044 business?

Buying good quality contraband should be encouraged to forcerepparttar 136045 real 'rip off' merchants to bring their prices down? Oops! Did I say that out loud?

This brings me to packaging. My froth about packaging is such a pet hate with me. I would love to hitrepparttar 136046 streets with a camera crew and see how many O.A.P's can get a Digital camcorder memory card out of its second skin before they croak or preferably just watch their wrinkly faces screw right up as I dust them occasionally.

These little suckers are onlyrepparttar 136047 size of postage stamp but live in this plastic crib that will withstand a thousand megaton blast. The shell is moulded and in comparison torepparttar 136048 actual size ofrepparttar 136049 product isrepparttar 136050 equivalent to an affixed playing card inrepparttar 136051 middle ofrepparttar 136052 Old Trafford. Inside is a paper insert that has a splash of graphics promising you eternal life and a perpetual hard-on for your digital recorder.

It is a freestanding display that apart from its impregnability would be an ideal ice scraper forrepparttar 136053 car windscreen when your own credit card has already expired. I used carpet scissors inrepparttar 136054 end to chomprepparttar 136055 plastic edging away, slither by slither, until I foundrepparttar 136056 tiny card that was further cocooned inside another plastic sarcophagus. It's very own 'snap-to' and rigid wallet for easy carriage. To my horror I noticed I had extricatedrepparttar 136057 card without checkingrepparttar 136058 printed warning that 'shouldrepparttar 136059 product be unsatisfactory' that it had to be returned intact.

How do you know it is unsatisfactory until you have tried it? It's a memory card for a video recorder? You have to try it out first by taking it out ofrepparttar 136060 package. I bet evenrepparttar 136061 memory card would have remembered this.

Supermarket shelves groan withrepparttar 136062 weight of packaging when little ofrepparttar 136063 product actually exists.

Rashers of bacon sat looking without hope in welded envelopes. Biscuits have to be guillotined midway uprepparttar 136064 packet to become liberated. Vacuum packed frozen goods with re-sealable 'fasteners' that refuse to clip together and end up slipping out and falling helplessly torepparttar 136065 freezer floor. Petit Pois, sweetcorn or pasta that you try to openrepparttar 136066 top end and by some bizarre logic thus givesrepparttar 136067 signal forrepparttar 136068 arse end to burst apart withrepparttar 136069 force of a megaton bomb.

Audio tapes! (I mention these as I'm 'normally bias' anyway….) The cellophane that hermetically seals your boxes of tapes in case they are exposed to too much oxygen and needrepparttar 136070 tiniest forceps inrepparttar 136071 world combined with your own teeth to remove.

'Shrunkwrapped' pizzas that look like an artefact found by 'Timeteam' with allrepparttar 136072 cheese and already sparsely dressed toppings on one side only. That's right. I see you nodding! Leaving one, lonely, stray slice of pepperoni inhabitingrepparttar 136073 bald hemisphere making your TV dinner looking like a pimple on a bears arse. You can only imagine thatrepparttar 136074 last Neapolitan left alone onrepparttar 136075 shelf forces you to buy it because it was constructed by a food operative that presumably serves breakfast at home to his or her family with a tennis racket.

Sandwiches that are 'front end loaded' for display purposes foolingrepparttar 136076 hungry buyer thatrepparttar 136077 chunky filling continues throughoutrepparttar 136078 entire breadth ofrepparttar 136079 bread. Not so. A sneaky lift ofrepparttar 136080 promising BLT reveals yawning expanses of nothingness, only if you can exhume it fromrepparttar 136081 plastic prison first without it exploding over your 'laptop'.

Whole marketing and design departments spend a sh*tload of cash trying to createrepparttar 136082 most inappropriate packaging. Easter eggs for instance. Trees have to die to put a stupid piece of hollow chocolate into a coffin. What's wrong with a bit of bubblewrap? Who inventedrepparttar 136083 polystyrene quaver and giant shoulders ofrepparttar 136084 stuff protecting your new TV? At Christmas time my house is drifted inside torepparttar 136085 rafters inrepparttar 136086 stuff. My garage becomes an arsonists' paradise untilrepparttar 136087 dustman comes, with reams of cardboard, flat and corrugated, andrepparttar 136088 customary shower of polystyrene that after a light breeze can be found in every corner of every garden in my street for weeks to come. Chunks ofrepparttar 136089 stuff, that if strapped together, would probably meltrepparttar 136090 polar icecaps and is chased, eaten and passed by small children and dogs (easily mistaken for those circular rice cakes but far tastier).

"Contents may settle".

What seems to be happening here, isrepparttar 136091 manufacturer is too embarrassed to say 'size does matter' and want you to believe thatrepparttar 136092 50% extra FREE isrepparttar 136093 box size and nothing to do with what's inside. If you bought muesli that 'settled' does that mean you will be less disappointed at opening a half empty box? Does this apply to meanly filled yoghurt pots or boxes of fish that say "6 to 8" pieces? It's either 6 or 8? I don't like guessing games. If I go to my bank I don't wantrepparttar 136094 teller to say to me when I want a balance, "You've got either sixty quid left or a fiver."

How can anything plastic make some product or other more desirable? Hands up any one person who has ever bought wine from a plastic decanter? Ok, I admit torepparttar 136095 odd box of wine simply because your drinking levels can be hidden from party guests and what they cannot see will not hurt them until you collapse over their Tiramisu at dinner and try to blame it onrepparttar 136096 'time ofrepparttar 136097 month'.

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