CALENDAR OF ODD EVENTS - JAN. 2005 -- Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in January 2005 --

**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon

January is, to put it bluntly, a bit of a merry-impaired month as far as Gregorian calendar is concerned.

With ho-ho-ho season gone...things start all over again.

The origin of January comes from "Janus", god with two faces, one on front of his head, and one on back. He's guardian of gateways and of beginnings. So now we know who to blame for ridiculous New Year's resolution ritual.

Brain cell exercises aside, there are simpler if not slothful ways to get through first month of winter -- by yawning or humming not to mention less taxing titillations such as twiddling one's thumbs and wiggling one's ears.

For those who share an abiding interest in mild merriment, modest mirth and marvellous morsels of muddle -- this month has your name on it.

So, without further adieu -- here are some upcoming odd occasions to add to your "to do" list and eccentric events to celebrate on your January calendar.

Note: The funnybone-impaired should proceed with caution as excessive giggling, glad-handing, and gleams in eye are known to cause gregarious gleeful behavior which your gloom and doom family members and friends may not understand or appreciate.

JEST JANUARY EVENTS AND CELEBRATIONS

1. NATIONAL NUDE NICK DAY (in honor of Hogmany, Hogwash & Horsefeathers)

2. HOPS N' SCOTCH DAY (in honor of hung-over heffalumps)

3. BURPING, BELCHING & BREAKING WIND DAY (yup, another survival-of-the-fittest contest)

4. LITTLE LEFT OVERS DAY (dedicated to long-forgotten things in refrigerator)

5. PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY DAY (a fine way to restore hope in life of Eeyores)

6. HUG A HIPPOGRIFF (a mythical beast named "Bucktooth" is waiting for you at petting zoo!)

7. CAPRICORN AWARENESS DAY (are you sure you're ready to "get someone's goat"?)

8. BROWN-NOSING DAY (this is your chance to fawn and flatter your way to success)

9. TOUCH TONE TUNE DAY(time to be creative and compose a song using your telephone keypad)

I'm not inferring any trouble in paradise these days; I wouldn't know if there was trouble, anyway. Nevertheless, I think my relationship to her could improve 100 percent — which needs a foolproof plan. Being a certified fool, all I need is a plan.

Back in October, folks at church we serve sent my wife and me to St. Augustine as a gift from congregation. It was a delightful surprise. We never tire of spending time in Ancient City.

One negative aspect to whole plan, no provision was made for our return. However, to quote Martha Stewart, I told my congregation, "I'll be back."

Nothing is more relaxing than taking off for a few days of reading, writing and just plain goofing off. I have latter down to a science. At least that's what my wife tells me, and no one has ever accused her of lying.

It did not take us long to pack a few things in a suitcase and head for our mini-vacation.

We arrived at one of our favorite motels, registered at front desk and quickly went to our room and unpacked all our things. For me unpacking meant unlocking door, walking inside and throwing myself on bed. It doesn't take me long unwind.

However, Gracious Mistress of Parsonage takes more time and effort to get into vacation spirit. She has to unload car, unpack suitcases, clean motel room, and make sure we have enough towels and washcloths.

I got tired just watching her go through her routine. In fact, it was so bad I had to leave room and go out to pool.

Three hours later, I returned to room and found her sitting on bed, watching TV.

"Aha," I said as I entered in room, "I see you're finally in vacation spirit." And so our mini-vacation was under way, full steam ahead.

Stretching out before us were five days of unrelenting loafing. We decided to make a game of it. We were going to see who could loaf best during our week.

I assumed I had edge on this game. After all, I've had more experience with loafing than my wife. I forget what prize was but it seems to me it had something to do with serving breakfast in bed to winner.