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Title: Are You Letting Your Children Manipulate You? Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 695 Category: Parenting
Are You Letting Your Children Manipulate You? By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Rachael is
young mother of Nathan, who just turned two. Rachael is a stay-at-home mother who works part-time at home and has
help of a housekeeper five days a week. Rachael consulted with me because of her problems with Nathan.
“When Nathan is with David (her husband), he’s fine. He adores David and listens well to him. When he’s with Amalia (her housekeeper), he’s fine. He loves her and plays calmly with her. But when he’s with me, he’s impossible. He throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. He goes to sleep easily at night for David but not for me. I want so much to be a good mother and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I never get angry with him but sometimes I feel like throwing him across
room! I need help!”
“Rachael, when you are with Nathan, what do you think is more important to you – to get him to love you or to be loving to yourself?”
Rachael replied instantly. “To get him to love me. I never think about loving myself. I just want him to love me. If he loves me, then I know that I’m a good mother.”
“And what does it say about you if you are a good mother?”
“It means that I’m okay,”
“So you have handed to Nathan
job of defining your worth. He has to love you for you to be okay. What do you think is most important to David?”
“Oh, David takes good care of himself. He really doesn’t seem concerned about whether or not Nathan loves him. He’s very loving to Nathan, but if David wants to eat dinner when Nathan want to play with him, he just eat dinner and Nathan seems to accept it. If I want to have my breakfast when Nathan wants to play, Nathan has a tantrum.”