Have you seen my voice? Odd question, I know. Voice is associated with sound not sight. Still, I’ve been looking for it everywhere: writer’s retreats, a bedroom converted into a chic writing studio,
refrigerator, which is filled with brainpower snacks, specifically chocolate-mocha Haagen-Dazs (They say it cures writer’s block. I’ve dedicated years to working out
correct dosage). Yet while my words arranged on paper proved that I can hold my own with a comma and I’m no slouch when wielding a semicolon,
words themselves felt to me like hollow echo chambers; they ran in place bouncing off
keyboard onto
page but went nowhere.
Then one day last autumn, I was strolling through a street fair. I noticed two women standing behind a table display of seed packets wrapped attractively as gifts. Muse impulse or poor shopping-impulse control, it no longer matters which, prompted me to buy five of them.
So as not to feel guilty for spending $10. on seed packets that probably had a unit cost of eighty cents each, I went home and found
addresses of five people I’d fallen out of touch with for several years. For each note card, I thought that I’d be clever and enclose an inquiry: “Where will love blossom next in your life?”
Several weeks passed with no acknowledgement.
Naturally, I pulled out my journal to bask in rejection. I’d show them. I’d answer this query myself and rejoice in my own smug self-satisfaction that I was a lone word warrior.
Where will love blossom next in my life? Hmm. That was a puzzler. I couldn’t work out
problem-solving angle or think my way around it. The emptiness of
blank page mirrored
emptiness within me. It was uncomfortable like scratchy underwear. I couldn’t turn back though. I put that query out there and if I ignored it myself I couldn’t justify my ego bruise.
‘Where’ meant going not to a retreat, my studio or
refrigerator, but to a place of vulnerability. Where did I feel that emptiness in my body? The question triggered my heart to race so fast it felt like a ping-pong ball trapped in my chest. I took several deep breaths and allowed it to lead
way.