How to Listen to Your Teenager Without Appearing to Have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)Written by V. Michael Santoro, M. Ed.
In one of Family Circus cartoon strips, little girl looks up at her father, who is reading newspaper, and says, "Daddy, you have to listen with your eyes as well as your ears." That statement says almost all there is to say about listening. Being a good listener means focusing attention on message and reviewing important information.Listening can be considered an art, as well as a skill, and like other skills, it requires that you exhibit some discipline to be effective. However, in today's world where multitasking is considered essential to surviving in workplace, it is not uncommon to be talking on phone while we are reading mail or sending e-mail, and simultaneously conducting hand signals with a co-worker who needs your input about something important. However, when it comes to communicating with your teenagers, you have to separate yourself from this multitasking communications style, and learn how to focus 100 percent of your time on her when she needs to talk to you. If you do not, she will perceive this distracted behavior as a lack of interest in her. Thus, during your conversations with your teen, you must ignore your own needs, demonstrate patience, and pay attention to her. Hearing becomes listening only when you pay attention to what is being said, and can contribute to conversation. So how good are your listening skills? Answer following "yes or no" statements honestly: 1. I make assumptions about my teens feelings and thoughts 2. I bring up past issues during current disagreements 3. I interrupt my teenager's conversation 4. I respond to a complaint with a complaint 5. I respond to my teen with phrases like, "That's ridiculous." If you answered "yes" to any of these statements, then there is some room for improvement in your listening skills. What to do Use following guidelines to help improve your listening skills: 1. Maintain eye contact with your teen during conversations. Good eye contact allows you to keep focused and involved in conversation.
| | What's Troubling Your Teenager? - Peeling Back the Onion LayersWritten by V. Michael Santoro, M. Ed.
Onion layers are a good analogy for problem solving. Like onions, problems can have multiple layers, and if you do not dig deeply enough, you may end up not solving real problem. A good way to indicate whether or not you have "peeled back" enough layers is to see how you "feel" during problem solving process. At times it will seem like you have discovered proper solution, but something just doesn't "feel right" about it. At that point, it is advisable to trust your instincts and discuss problem with someone. I have often said myself, "You know, everything seems right, but it just doesn't feel right." You may not even be able to articulate why at time. Usually, as you discuss it, while reviewing available information; and running through questions you asked to get to that point; something will trigger a new idea or thought. Then bingo, light comes on and you can "feel" that you have right solution. Discuss this concept with your teenager. The point is, even if current information seems to point to a correct solution, if it doesn't feel right, continue seeking right solution until it does feels right. This is a good time to observe your teen's body language. What to do Even if she cannot articulate that something is missing or not right, her body language will indicate it. They say, "The eyes are window to soul." Check your teenager's eyes, as they will be a strong indicator of where she is "emotionally" during your problem solving session. She may be saying right things but her eyes may be communicating a totally different message.
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