You could meet most “right” person in world, and still not be able to make it work. In fact in some cases, if you’re dragging around past, you wouldn’t know a good partner for you if they appeared in shining light.

So what can you do?

1.Know yourself completely and what you want.

2.Increase your emotional intelligence competencies.

3.Be sure past is past.

4.Use your emotional intelligence in early stages of relationship (and of course thereafter!)

KNOWING YOURSELF

Clients ask me this, and I hear people asking other people when they are about to meet a new man of woman, “But I don’t know how to act.”

When you’re meeting someone new, answer is to just be yourself, but of course this is easier than it sounds! We’re nervous and want to make a good impression, so two parts of emotional intelligence are important: self-awareness, and being able to manage our emotions.

When you have developed your emotional intelligence skills, you know who you are, and what you want in all areas of your life, and you know what you are looking for in a partner. You also are better able to manage your emotions (and those of others).

In fact one of competencies is called “Intentionality.” This means saying what you mean, and meaning what you say, and then doing all you can to make it happen.

USING YOUR EQ

Getting to know someone else is always full of surprises, and older you get, more “history” you will have to relate to each other. Bear in mind that it is always easiest for us to handle our own “problems” emotionally, than those of others.

Shopping for a girl is new to me, mother of grown sons. I can pull right car, lego, or chemistry set off rack in a split second, but this thing about dolls has me both baffled and enchanted. I remember back to childhood, but my own, not that of my children. My most recent home was filled with wheels, not dolls.

We proceeded to display of angels, which is what Annie had asked for. No, my sons had never requested an angel, nor had they ever dreamed of being a “groom.” It wasn’t just state of marriage that didn’t immediately enchant them, it was tux. They never requested dress clothes either!

So many blond angels, I thought, but finally found one with brown hair, like Annie’s. I have noticed changes in dolls over years, and always say a silent prayer of thanks that now there are dolls with different shades of skin and hair, and different styles and lengths of hair, as in real life.

I pulled brown-haired angel off shelf and put it in my cart.

“What are you doing?” Betty asked.

“Well, Annie’s got brown hair,” I said. “I want her to see there are angels with brown hair.”

“Are you sure she knows that?” Betty replied.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Are you sure she knows she had brown hair and not blond?” Betty clarified.

Ah, I thought, listening to my wise friend. The fantasies we have. No, I thought quickly. I’m sure Annie envisions herself with long blond hair of fairytales. Like many six year olds, she has a big imagination. I did when I was a little girl. I had blond hair but it wasn’t long blond hair … except in my dreams … because Prince Charming, of course …

Now, this isn’t about dolls resembling humans, or whether boys should be given dolls and girls wheels, or anything bigger than our inner lives, which is hugest thing there is. As someone said, “We never really grow up, we just learn how to behave in public.”

Behaving in public is knowing you have brown hair, not blond. It means knowing you aren’t really Superman! But how many of us really get there?

I thought of many adults I know who aren’t aware they “don’t have blond hair.” Perhaps you work with one or socialize with one. Someone who has delusions about themselves, or about how world works. They come in many forms:

·The manager who thinks he’s God ·The marketing director who thinks she’s Venus, goddess of Love ·Your friend who thinks he’s Atlas, condemned to carry world on his shoulders ·Your sister who acts like Rapunzel, waiting to be rescued ·Your frantically “busy” neighbor who thinks red shoes will save her ·Your partner, who occasionally thinks he’s Rumpelstiltskin and can straw into gold (or maybe you mistakenly think he can)

One of best things we can do is gently hold up a mirror to someone to show them who they are. Sometimes we don’t know!