How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Spam!

Written by Chuck Smith

Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and I (like many men) am in a state of near panic. Because I'm married, I need to come up with some kind of Valentine's Day gift for my wife that conveysrepparttar feelings I have for her inrepparttar 118276 most romantic way possible.

The only problem is that I (like many men) don't have a romantic bone in my body. Not one. My sense of romance, if it was ever there to begin with, has withered and died along with my youthful ideals, dreams of six-pack abs, and my long-range jump shot.

This poses a very big challenge for me since my wife has a keenly developed sense of romance. Like a blind person who has a tremendous sense of hearing and smell, my wife, who has been forced to live in a romantic vacuum, can senserepparttar 118277 romance in everything. She points out beautiful sunsets and old people staring into each other's eyes. Sappy birthday cards make her cry. She wants to hold hands with me while walking inrepparttar 118278 mall. It's sickening.

But, because I love her (and I'm afraid ofrepparttar 118279 repercussions), I have to try and pull a decent Valentine's Day present out of my backside. So this year, I've decided to userepparttar 118280 awesome power of spam email to help me narrow my search. After spending several anxious seconds combing through my Deleted box in email, I plucked some candidates out for this year's Valentine.

American Blinds, Wallpaper, and More: Nothing says "I love you" like a nice set of vertical blinds. Or perhaps that crazy fruit print wallpaper that my wife had on her kitchen walls back inrepparttar 118281 70s. In perhapsrepparttar 118282 weakest marketing move in recent memory, American Blinds, Wallpaper, and More is pitching their products as Valentine's Day gifts. For those of you desperate enough to consider this, I can suggest a few good divorce attorneys, or perhaps a good motel forrepparttar 118283 night.

Atari TV Classic 10 Games in One: The next entry intorepparttar 118284 Valentine's Day email sweepstakes is this fine video game on a joystick. Basically, you plugrepparttar 118285 joystick into your TV and choose from 10 "classic" Atari games. Just picture this . . . The lights are dimmed,repparttar 118286 candles are burning, and there's a blanket in front ofrepparttar 118287 fire. A bottle of Dom Perignon (hey, if I'm going to fantasize, I'm going all out) is chilled and open nearby. I lean over to my wife and whisper gently in her ear, "hey honey, want to play Space Invaders."

I Want a Cold!

Written by Chuck Smith

"Honey, can I have a cup of lemon tea," my wife asked merepparttar other day. Normally, my wife doesn't ask me to do anything, knowing my laziness has no bounds. But my wife had a cold - a very bad cold.

For most illnesses, my wife would just "suck it up" and get her cute little behind out of bed, fully realizing that nothing would get done aroundrepparttar 118275 house without her. But today, she was lingering beneathrepparttar 118276 bed covers. That's how I knew she was really sick.

My wife is tougher than Randall "Tex" Cobb on his best day (and for those of you who don't know who Randall "Tex" Cobb is - shame on you!). Her finely developed sense of martyrdom compels her to force herself into activity, even inrepparttar 118277 face ofrepparttar 118278 killer cold. Beingrepparttar 118279 caring husband that I am (and not wanting her germs spread throughrepparttar 118280 entire house), I suggested she stay in bed.

So, even though it was a Sunday, which is a very inconvenient day for her to be sick (because I usually park my large, ugly behind on my favorite chair and watch TV all day), I knew I would have to "suck it up" and do something feared by most men. Parenting.

For me, watchingrepparttar 118281 kids for an entire day is nothing short of exhausting. Andrepparttar 118282 kids don't seem to want to make it any easier for me. You'd think they'd just sit there and watch TV all day, like Daddy.

But no. They want me to feed them. I made my first blunder by asking what they wanted to eat. "Pancakes," shouted my daughter. "Buttery eggs," shouted my son. "How about cereal?" shouted Daddy. Unfortunately, since I'd already maderepparttar 118283 mistake of asking, I was trapped.

Lucky for me, my wife hasrepparttar 118284 good sense to purchase microwave pancakes and egg beaters just for these kinds of emergencies. I was saved from forcing Cocoa Puffs downrepparttar 118285 kids' throats, and after getting most ofrepparttar 118286 dishes intorepparttar 118287 sink, I tried to sit down and watch TV withrepparttar 118288 kids.

"I want to watch Nickelodeon," griped my son. "I want to watchrepparttar 118289 Disney Channel," moaned my daughter. "I want to watch ESPN," I whined. Right away, they knew to ignore me. So it became a contest of evenly matched opponents.

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