“Don’t ask your father minute he walks in door,” my Mom used to tell me. “Wait till he’s in a good mood. Let him unwind a little.”
Then some time later, she would alert me that “the good mood” had arrived, and it was time to ask him. It was a mystery to me, but gradually I began to pick up on what indicated a “bad mood” in my dad, and what indicated a “good mood,” and how to use it to my advantage.
Eventually I became adept at putting him in a good mood; like most girls, I learned to work my dad over pretty good, and at least some of time I got what I wanted. At other times he would say, “That’s not going to work on me young lady.”
Like playing “Hot Cold” it helped me refine my people skills, and be more subtle. While it wasn’t always easy to judge “mood,” it was pretty easy to tell when Mom or Dad was angry and, like most kids, I learned to head for hills at such a time. Not only wasn’t it a good time to ask for anything, it wasn’t a good time to be around at all. If you want to win, you have to know when to fold them, as well as when to hold them. Most kids learn how to gauge moods of their parents pretty well because it’s important to their survival, figuratively, if not literally.
Knowing when Mom’s in a bad mood and staying out of her way at those times makes life easier, and approaching her for something when she’s in a good mood makes it more probable you’ll get it. We also learn that we can sometimes wear a parent down when they’re tired and they’ll give in, and that sometimes kisses and compliments will work where reason and logic don’t.
Kids are pretty good little negotiators, and ones who read social cues best, and are most attuned to emotions of those around them, do best.
So when we grow up and enter work world as sophisticated adults does all this become irrelevant? Quite to contrary. There are always people we want things from, just as there are people who want things from us, and while there’s a prevailing myth that business runs on logic, reason and analysis, it is about relationships and negotiations, and emotions quite often determine outcome.
It’s an old adage that people do business with people they like and trust. However you define those words, and how you separate out components, it is an emotional response, not an intellectual one. Cognitive intelligence is important – knowing facts, getting figures, and doing homework – but emotional intelligence can be deciding factor. Whether you want a promotion, a million dollar contract, a new partner, information from someone, or their cooperation, your success depends upon how well you understand and manage emotional force field around situation.
My Mom was right. Studies show that people do react more favorably when they’re in a good mood, so timing is everything. Do you know how to tell when someone’s in a good mood? And what if they’re not? Do you know how to put someone in a good mood?
Great salespeople know how to bring good mood with them. They arrive with a good story or positive anecdote, a gift, a joke, or even food. Their intuition, an EQ competency, tells them what will work on each person. Maurice E. Schweitzer, professor of operations and information management at Wharton, calls this “non-task communication.”
He has researched this phenomenon, and says, “In negotiation, we have always known that non-task communication – discussion that’s not directly relevant to negotiation process – is important for closing a deal.”