Hitting The Fan

Written by Chris P Bohn


Inrepparttar past people have occasionally accused me of talking shit. But nobody can say I'm not serious about my subject. In fact you could say I have a Masters degree in coprology! In recent months I have been busy writing a paper (toilet paper, obviously) entitled "What Really Happens Whenrepparttar 118255 Shit Hitsrepparttar 118256 Fan ?". Clearly one needs to define one's terms and my approach was as scientific as it could be.

Firstly I decide to confine my researches to three types of fan:

i) Electric fans ii) Cricket and/or football fans (depending on which one is in season atrepparttar 118257 time) and iii) Hand held fans i.e. Ofrepparttar 118258 kind which is fluttered by demure young ladies in period dramas

Secondly there was a need to be able to grade various kinds of shit according to size, weight, malleability and viscosity. This requiredrepparttar 118259 use of expensive scientific instruments and so I equipped myself with -

electronic scales, a pestle and mortar, an engineer's measure, a sieve, packet of rubber gloves shower cap and safety glasses (call me a fashion victim if you like. It's my choice.)

I set up a standard desktop fan (this one had a safety grille which, although removable, I chose to leave on forrepparttar 118260 purposes ofrepparttar 118261 experiment). I then ate six cans of a discount brand of baked beans and sat down to watch some old Boris Karloff movies. The horror films hadrepparttar 118262 desired effect and within ten minutes I was shitting myself with fear (OK so I'm a scaredy cat too, so what?). Shortly thereafter I was busy gathering what we shall term "material" in readiness for experiment numero uno.

The fan was switched onto its highest setting (moderate breeze or number one onrepparttar 118263 Beaufort scale for any budding meteorologists reading this). I rolledrepparttar 118264 first turd* and verified its weight as 200 grammes or about half a pound if you are still using NASA units of measurement. I then firedrepparttar 118265 missile from a distance of ten feet using a modified crossbow (patent pending) designed by yours truly (talented or what?). The "chocolate cannonball" hitrepparttar 118266 fan absolutely dead centre. Approximately twenty percent of its mass clung torepparttar 118267 outside ofrepparttar 118268 safety grille. Eighty percent reachedrepparttar 118269 blades.

And a staggering one hundred percent was flung off intorepparttar 118270 office whererepparttar 118271 tests were being conducted. I apologised torepparttar 118272 executives inrepparttar 118273 immediate vicinity and retired for a shower.

Followingrepparttar 118274 first experiment, office based tests had to be put on hold for a temporary period. There were three main problems. Firstly it was proving very difficult to get funding for my experimental endeavours. Usually when you request financial support for work ofrepparttar 118275 kind which I do, people think you are talking out of your arse. I suppose they are right in a way . . . Secondly there were some technical refinements to attend to; certain brands of beans result in missiles of far too watery a consistency. And thirdly there was an ongoing legal problem. Something to do with an office manager's dry cleaning bill and my reply that he had signed a waiver and had been given plenty of prior warning of all possible consequences. It annoys me. It really does. They all want free publicity inrepparttar 118276 local press but as soon as anything goes wrong they don't want to know you.

50 Things to do to your Boss that are Fun for you, but not for them

Written by Dawnell Harrison


1. Youíre eavesdropping and you hear your boss has reservations at his favorite restaurant. You know,repparttar one you canít afford. Call them back and cancel his reservations Ė say youíre his wife.

2. Have a friend of yours make an anonymous call to your boss saying that they know what he has been up to, possess incriminating pictures, and hang up. It will scarerepparttar 118254 bejesus out of him.

3. Put chocolate ex-lax in your managerís chocolate licorice. Not only will you feel better, it may wipe that constipated look off of his face too.

4. Callrepparttar 118255 local Mormon or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints church and ask that they visit your house soon, only give them your managerís home address.

5. Every time your boss asks you a question, just look at him and say ďinterestingĒ and go back to what you were working on.

6. Take your eyeliner and smears it in his chair when heís not looking. His wife will feel needed when she has to heartily scrub and wash his pants.

7. Turnrepparttar 118256 pictures on his desk upside down and act overly sweet and innocent when he asks if you know why they are like that.

8. When your boss goes torepparttar 118257 bathroom, turn his computer off. When he asks you if you know what happened, say that you donít and it must have just crashed or something. Smile likerepparttar 118258 Cheshire cat.

9. Enlist a friend to deliver papers appearing to be legal documents that insinuate he is being sued for 4 million dollars. Put word ďjokeĒ onrepparttar 118259 last page ofrepparttar 118260 20-page document. It will be fun to watch beads of sweat form on his brow.

10. Remove all toilet paper fromrepparttar 118261 menís bathroom and put it inrepparttar 118262 womenís. Shake your head in disapproval ofrepparttar 118263 janitorial help in your office when your boss complains about it.

11. Put your boss on all ofrepparttar 118264 mailing lists of his most detested organizations and clubs. When he asks you to call and have them remove him fromrepparttar 118265 lists, say of course, and never do it.

12. Replacerepparttar 118266 vodka inrepparttar 118267 liquor cabinet with water. Youíre doing him a favor, really you are. When he comments that his vodka tastes like water, respond smartly by saying that it appears that just about everyone is cutting corners these days.

13. When he comments thatrepparttar 118268 coffee is too weak or too strong, ask, in a serious tone, if he is sure that his taste buds havenít changed.

14. When your boss mentions a particular food that he does not like, purchase that item repeatedly and eat it in front of him. Put your garbage from that food into his garbage can, so thatrepparttar 118269 smell will linger in his office.

15. When you arrive late, move all clocks back. When you want to leave early, move all clocks forward. Pretend that allrepparttar 118270 batteries need to be replaced.

16. When your boss inquires about your weekend, say you went sky diving and to Italy. He will hopefully get your sarcasm and not ask again.

17. When your manager inquires as to what your favorite TV show is, reply that it is a childís show like Sesame Street. Say it like you mean it.

18. Out ofrepparttar 118271 blue, say you have an emergency appointment with your astrologer and it is important that you leave now because your charts are waiting!

19. For your managerís birthday, hire a palm reader to read your managerís palm. Pay them an extra $50 to say ďOh MyĒ inrepparttar 118272 middle ofrepparttar 118273 reading and not be able to continue.

20. Grind up leaves from your backyard that look like pot, put into a baggie, and send it to your boss. Stand there while he opens it and gasp whenrepparttar 118274 contents are revealed. Say ďit is none of my businessĒ and walk out ofrepparttar 118275 room.

21. Callrepparttar 118276 fire department and pretend you are inrepparttar 118277 office next door to yours and exclaim there is a massive inferno inrepparttar 118278 building next to yours. It is guaranteed to raise your managerís blood pressure a few points or more whenrepparttar 118279 firemen arrive.

22. Time your manager when he goes out to run personal errands and comment that he took an exceptionally long break when he returns.

23. Run intorepparttar 118280 office exclaiming to your manager that his car has a huge dent inrepparttar 118281 side! Walk outside with him when he goes out to examine it. After he looks it over thoroughly and asks you what you saw because he canít see it, apologize that it must have just beenrepparttar 118282 wayrepparttar 118283 light was reflecting on it that made it appear that way.

24. Exclaim how sorry you are that your managerís grandmother died overrepparttar 118284 weekend and that you read about it inrepparttar 118285 obituaries. Declare that it must have been somebody withrepparttar 118286 same name when he says he has no idea what you are talking about and begins frantically dialing his grandmother.

25. Superglue two middle pages of your managerís favorite book and return torepparttar 118287 shelf. He will find it afterrepparttar 118288 glue has permanently set.

26. When you are simply not inrepparttar 118289 mood to get out of your chair, proclaim thatrepparttar 118290 copier is broken when your boss asks for copies to be made. If your manager attempts to make copies on his own and exclaims it works just fine, jam a paper clip inrepparttar 118291 innards ofrepparttar 118292 copy machine when nobody is looking.

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