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Title: Ending Relationships Gracefully Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 873 Category: Relationships
Ending Relationships Gracefully Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
In my counseling practice, I often hear question, “How do I end a relationship without hurting someone’s feelings?” Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge.
The problem arises because so many people see it as a reflection of their worth when someone doesn’t want to be with them. “If I was good enough, this person would want to be with me, so there must be something wrong with me.”
There is another way to see this. The way I see it is that for each of us there is a relatively small number of people with whom we feel a deep connection. Whether you want to explain this as due to being part of same soul group in spiritual realm, or to having similar energies, or to chemistry, fact is that we don’t feel connected to most people. Just because I don’t feel connected with someone doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. Just because you don’t feel drawn to spend time with someone doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with that person, and just because someone doesn’t connect with you doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It’s just way things are, and it has nothing to do with there being anything wrong with anyone.
So if I say to someone, “I don’t feel a strong connection between us,” I am simply stating a fact. I am not making a judgment about person’s adequacy or worth.
All of us meet perfectly wonderful people with whom we just don’t feel a connection. The person might be very attractive, have similar interests to us, and even be on a similar growth path or spiritual path. Yet we just don’t connect. The spark that ignites friendship or romance just doesn’t exist. If we could all accept that someone not wanting to be with us has nothing to do with our worth, we would not get hurt when someone says no to a relationship.
I don’t pretend to understand all factors that create connection between two people. All I know is that all of us have experience of connection with another that occurs deeply and rapidly, as well as experience of a lack of connection. Many people have had experience of being fixed up with someone because a friend said, “I just know you two will like each other. You are so similar,” only to discover a complete lack of connection. Katie, a client of mine, recently said to me, “Everyone said Rick is perfect for me. We look good together, we have similar interests and backgrounds, we are same religion, we are equal educationally, and he is a really sweet guy. I kept thinking that if I just gave it time, I would feel connection. But it never happened. I felt so badly breaking up with him because there is nothing wrong with him, but connection just isn’t there.”
