The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as
author resource box at end is included. Notification of publication would be appreciated.Title: Healing The Abandonment Wounds Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 1080 Category: Relationships/Emotional Healing
HEALING THE ABANDONMENT WOUNDS by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for past 35 years and authored eight published books. Every individual I’ve worked with has had some abandonment wound to heal, and most relationship problems stem from abandonment wounds.
It is not possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. The following are some of ways it can occur:
o Being torn away from mother at birth and put into a nursery.
o Being left to cry in a crib or playpen.
o Being given up for adoption or being left in foster care.
o Being physically and/or sexually abused.
o Being emotionally abused - ignored, yelled at, shamed.
o Being pushed aside at birth of a new sibling.
o Having a parent or caregiver who is emotionally unavailable.
o Being unseen or misunderstood by parents or other caregivers.
o Being lied to.
o Being unprotected by a parent or caregiver.
o Being left alone in a hospital during an illness.
o Losing a beloved parent or grandparent at a very young age.
o Divorce.
o Being teased or left out with siblings or peers.
o Being ridiculed by a teacher.
o Being forgotten - not being picked up from school or other places.
o Being left at a young age to care for oneself, a parent, or other siblings.
When we are deeply wounded at a young age, we cannot handle pain, so we find ways to dissociate from intense feelings. Then, later in life, especially when we fall in love, these old wounds can get activated. Our beloved gets angry, withdraws, gives attention to someone else, says mean things, doesn't tell truth, doesn't stand up for us, comes home late, wanders away in a crowded public place, misunderstands us, and so on - and suddenly pain that has been pushed aside all these years comes roaring to surface. We think that we are reacting to present situation, but what is really happening is that old, unhealed abandonment wound has been touched off. We might find ourselves suddenly enraged or falling apart with intense tears. Our reaction seems too big for situation, yet we cannot seem to stop inner pain. We might start to shake violently as old terror finally erupts.
We want our beloved to take pain away by stopping his or her behavior. If only he or she would not do thing that activates these feelings, we would be fine. Yet until we actually heal these old, deep wounds, we will not be fine. We will always be vulnerable to having these wounds activated.
Healing abandonment wounds does not happen overnight, yet it does not have to take years either. Step one is to tune into your feelings with a willingness to take responsibility for your pain. Once you are aware that deep pain has been activated, seek help of someone who can hold you and nurture you while you go into abandonment pain. If no one is available, hold a doll, bear or pillow, and bring in love to hurting part of you. Open to your concept of God or Spirit and allow this source of love and strength to nurture you.
