THE PATH OF RELATIONSHIP
Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life I'm excited about sending it out. Within a few hours I start to wonder about
next letter and whether people will like it. Is it going to be good enough? Because of this concern I procrastinate and wait until last minute to start writing next letter. Underlying this version of fear of rejection or fear of failure is question "am I good enough?" We all have that fear in some form or other usually stemming from an incident in our youth. Let me share with you when it started for me.
I was away from home for first time at UC Berkeley. There is always someone you meet that you look up to who seems to have all answers. Mike Breen was that guy for me. I had just turned 17 and at 19 Mike seemed to possess that wisdom and experience about girls that was missing in my life.
I remember defining conversation like it was yesterday.. "Mike what do you do if you meet a girl and you really like her and maybe even love her?"....And Mike coolly replied with that air of maturity and experience, "you tell her how you feel". I confusingly asked "What if she says she doesn't love you back?" That was one of my biggest fears and a few years later at end of my junior year I felt that pain of rejection when my girl friend Bobbi told me she loved someone else. I made decision that I would never feel that pain again so I avoided anyone who could hurt me like Bobbi did. By looking back and examining some of my old patterns I understand what I did to avoid possibility of experiencing this pain again.
One thing I did was to select partners who I knew did not fit my picture of person I wanted to be with. By finding enough faults with them I could keep them at a distance and eventually move on to avoid getting hurt. Another approach was to select a partner who was emotionally unavailable. They were hopelessly self centered, in other relationships or real afraid of intimacy because of same wounds that I had experienced. If I was really honest with myself it was obvious from very beginning.
Even though I felt that I wanted a life long partner, this pattern of avoidance lasted for many years. During this phase of my life I had engaged many teachers and mentors and participated in many personal growth workshops and always on some level my focus was on overcoming my barriers to having a great relationship. Sometimes there's a saying or a poem that sticks with you and makes biggest difference in your life. For me it was following quote by Anais Nin that inspired me in my quest. "And day came when risk to remain closed in a bud became more painful than risk to blossom."
