Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.
HO HO HO MEMORANDUM
TO: All employees
FROM: The Management
DATE: December 2, 2004
RE: Reducing Unintended Consequences of Getting into "The Holiday Spirit"
Following recommendations from SHE (our Safety, Health and Enviromental committee), HE (our Helpful Employees Committee) and FUN (the Federation of Undemonstrative Nations), measures outlined below will be implemented immediately thus ensuring our compliance with guidelines established by FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Ordinance & Leisure Industry Council) designed to reduce unintended consequences of getting into "The Holiday Spirit".
1. Santa shall be required to wear a red, fire-retardant, loose-fitting suit with white reflector tape accessories, and a red fire helmet at all times while on premises.
2. Employees shall refrain from testing seating capacity and weight-bearing strength of any red-suited person in authority requesting subjects sit on his/her lap.
3. All nutcrackers are now forbidden on premises as these items have been identified as a potential security risk and safety hazard in hands of untrained personnel (better known as those with one too many or unaccounted for, loose screws).
4. Fruitcake, shortbread cookies and mince tarts shall be consumed before expiry date on packaging and only in designated areas such as parking lots, as it has been determined that crumbs attract undesirable pests including but not limited to cookie monsters, horrible hobgoblins, overbearing ogres, testy trolls and wicked witches not to mention placing excess demands on management (drones), non-union, multi-tasking, light-housekeeping office personnel (queen bees) and unionized heavy maintenance staff (worker bees).
5. Snickering-Sybaritic Santas (SSSs) and Red-Nosed Reindeers (RNRs) if found consuming illegal substances on job shall be escorted immediately off site by Engaging Enforcement Elves (EEEs), as such conduct has been linked to unhealthy respiration and transpiration of office plants, inexplicable computer network crashes, and causing havoc with smooth operation of industrial machinery.