Written by Theolonius McTavish

Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.


TO: All employees

FROM: The Management

DATE: December 2, 2004

RE: Reducingrepparttar Unintended Consequences of Getting into "The Holiday Spirit"

Following recommendations from SHE (our Safety, Health and Enviromental committee), HE (our Helpful Employees Committee) and FUN (the Federation of Undemonstrative Nations),repparttar 118121 measures outlined below will be implemented immediately thus ensuring our compliance with guidelines established by FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Ordinance & Leisure Industry Council) designed to reducerepparttar 118122 unintended consequences of getting into "The Holiday Spirit".

1. Santa shall be required to wear a red, fire-retardant, loose-fitting suit with white reflector tape accessories, and a red fire helmet at all times while onrepparttar 118123 premises.

2. Employees shall refrain from testingrepparttar 118124 seating capacity and weight-bearing strength of any red-suited person in authority requesting subjects sit on his/her lap.

3. All nutcrackers are now forbidden onrepparttar 118125 premises as these items have been identified as a potential security risk and safety hazard inrepparttar 118126 hands of untrained personnel (better known as those with one too many or unaccounted for, loose screws).

4. Fruitcake, shortbread cookies and mince tarts shall be consumed beforerepparttar 118127 expiry date onrepparttar 118128 packaging and only in designated areas such as parking lots, as it has been determined that crumbs attract undesirable pests including but not limited to cookie monsters, horrible hobgoblins, overbearing ogres, testy trolls and wicked witches not to mention placing excess demands on management (drones), non-union, multi-tasking, light-housekeeping office personnel (queen bees) and unionized heavy maintenance staff (worker bees).

5. Snickering-Sybaritic Santas (SSSs) and Red-Nosed Reindeers (RNRs) if found consuming illegal substances onrepparttar 118129 job shall be escorted immediately off site byrepparttar 118130 Engaging Enforcement Elves (EEEs), as such conduct has been linked to unhealthy respiration and transpiration of office plants, inexplicable computer network crashes, and causing havoc withrepparttar 118131 smooth operation of industrial machinery.

The Australian Times

Written by David Hilcher

The Australian Times at www.newsonline.com.au contains a series of

Cont'd on page 2 ==>
ImproveHomeLife.com © 2005
Terms of Use