This year I plan celebrating my 29th birthday. I figure it's my birthday, so I should be able to celebrate whichever one I please. Twenty-nine is perfect age; this is third time for me to celebrate it and it probably will not be last.

At 29, you are not over hill and yet you are far enough from those turbulent teenage years not to be mistaken by anyone for a teenager. Everybody knows that 30 is over hill and it is all down hill from there. However, it can be a pleasant slide into those golden years, so they tell me.

I have come to this conclusion. When a person reaches 30, they should celebrate their birthday every other year, then, after 50 only celebrate their birthday whenever they remember it. It will cut down on fire hazard some birthday cakes pose. A person should only be as old as birthdays they can remember.

Lying about one's age has become an acceptable practice for many. Women, in particular, have mastered finesse in this area. After all, what man in his right mind (if you can find one in his right mind) would ever accuse a woman, especially his wife, of fibbing here?

As long as there are stretch marks, people will stretch truth about their nativity. Beware of person who does not lie about their age. They are trying to throw you off guard for something.

Men can lie about their golf game, or how big fish that got away was but when it comes to their age, women have them beat, hands down. Men have never mastered technique crucial to lying about how many candles should go on that annual cake.

Men have a ridiculous notion that getting older is good. "I'm 65 and still can do work of any 25-year-old," is boast you often hear from male populous. Most women will never admit to being 65, let alone comparing themselves to some 25-year-old.

This brings me to a very important inquiry: How to tell you're getting old. After all, old is relative - only your relatives are getting old.

The first telltale sign of getting older is that you begin to notice certain changes around you. For example, when I first began reading this newspaper they printed it in nice bold type. Now they are using much smaller print.

Seeking a spot of serenity somewhere in universe, I recently booked a deep-discount dodgy berth on ‘White Elephant Express Space Shuttle’, to a little known place in a galaxy far, far away.

“IT” (otherwise known as HD 36405.b) is not your average “oddball” exo-solar planet made of rock that wobbles on its end and zips around a nearby star in less than 2.46 days.

Most linear thinkers have a great deal of difficulty even comprehending why on earth anyone in their “right mind” would be interested in visiting a planet called “IT”. Not being a linear thinker with an investment in “right” answer, I didn’t give a hoot. After all, what does one (who walks on water and listens to miffed mortals all day long) do for a frigging night off, now I ask you?

If truth be told, (after reading random excerpts from “The Itty Bitty Bunkum Book About Life, Universe and Practically Everything Under Sun Not To Mention Stuff Going On In Remote Galaxies), I was simply delirious. According to its noted author, Dr. Jarn Leffer, “IT is a ’must-see’ for those with little time on their hands and a passionate interest in Innocuous Things.”

As planets go, “IT” is a pretty ho-hum celestial pit-stop with perhaps one exception… welcome notice that reads, “Cosmic Cowboys - Welcome to furthest unexplored outreaches of Galaxy … Home to Flop Fairy and Oodles of Gadflies!”