HOW TO CANOODLE WITH A CANUCK IN A CANOEWritten by Theolonius McTavish
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
HOW TO CANOODLE WITH A CANUCK IN A CANOE
--Or, Welcome to Climax, Saskatchewan!
Canada is a pretty straight-laced, peaceful place, where seldom is heard a discouraging word and skies are not cloudy all day, except for eleven and a half months of year affectionately called "winter", (when everyone goes inside for a break from bugs, barking dogs, or far too many exposed bosoms and buttocks -- euphemistically referred to as "bare essentials").
So, one might casually ask ... if deer and antelope are out prancing about on back forty, while beaver are bustling about making dams all day long, and blessed birds are freezing their little tails off busking for a living in downtown Toronto ...what pray tell are citizens of this fine country doing to have a good time (besides playing hockey ...or hooky as case may be)?
Well, judging from pleasantly playful yet provocative placenames dotting deepfreeze landscape called Canada, perhaps reader will be able judge just what pastimes pique curiosity of a Canuck.
-- Ass Hill (Newfoundland) -- Bareneed (Newfoundland) -- Bath (New Brunswick) -- Begin (Quebec) -- Beamsville, Ontario -- Belly River (Alberta) -- Big Bras d’Or (Nova Scotia) -- Billy Butts Pond (Newfoundland) -- Blissville (New Brunswick) -- Bonanza (Alberta) -- Buttonville (Ontario) -- Carrying Place (Ontario) -- Chance Harbour (Nova Scotia) -- Chase (British Columbia) -- Cherryville (British Columbia) -- Come-By-Chance (Newfoundland) -- Comfort Cove (Newfoundland) -- Community Punch Bowl (Alberta) -- Conception Harbour (Newfoundland) -- Conquest (Saskatchewan) -- Crotch Lake (Ontario) -- Cruise Lake (Ontario) -- Cupids (Newfoundland) -- Curve Lake (Ontario) -- Dipper Harbour (Newfoundland) -- Dixville (Quebec) -- Ebb and Flow (Manitoba) -- Exploits River (Newfoundland) -- Fascination Mountain (British Columbia) -- Fanny Bay (British Columbia) -- Fertile (Saskatchewan) -- Finger (Manitoba) -- Flat Top (Yukon Territories) -- Forget (Saskatchewan) -- Fortune (Newfoundland) -- Freedom (Alberta) -- Fruitvale (British Columbia) -- Funnybone Lake (Ontario) -- Fox Roost (Newfoundland) -- Gander (Newfoundland) -- Good Neighbour Peak (Yukon Territories) -- Grande Entrée (Québec) -- Ha! Ha! Baie des (Québec) -- Halfmoon Bay (British Columbia) -- Halfway Point (Newfoundland) -- Happy Adventure (Newfoundland) -- Happy Valley-Goose Bay (Newfoundland) -- Happyland (Ontario) -- Havelock (Quebec) -- Heart’s Content (Newfoundland) -- Heart’s Delight (Newfoundland) -- Heart’s Desire (Newfoundland) -- Holdfast (Saskatchewan) -- Honey Harbour (Ontario) -- Hooker Mountain (British Columbia) -- Hooping Harbour (Newfoundland) -- Hope (British Columbia) -- Kinkora (Prince Edward Island) -- Lady Slipper (Prince Edward Island) -- Lapland (Nova Scotia) -- Leading Tickles (Newfoundland) -- Liberty (Saskatchewan)
Tranni D’Electric and why men are such pleasant pigs!Written by Tranni D'Electric.
My daddy always said that men are great with a shovel. My mammy always said that women are great at emotional issues. I say that men are pleasant pigs and women are pleasant pig observers.
Since I left high school, my opinions have been gradually changing. I used to think that boys were smelly but now I’m sure. I used to think that men are smellier versions of boys, but now I’m convinced. I used to think that dirty men were exceptional and now I know that they are exceptional; exceptionally smelly.
I used to read that pigs were actually clean, but now know that it was a myth, but also that it was a true statement, relative to men. Pigs grunt less, and tend not to piss on toilet seat. Pigs tend not to deny where they piss either.
Please don’t get me wrong. I like men and one can become accustomed to any odour. It is design and nature of olfactory senses and is a preserving biological feature. If we must live with a smell, then it won’t affect us all time!
If only eyes had a similar feature, then we wouldn’t have to look at piss on toilet seat, all time. (I’ll see if I can construct something in laboratory, to achieve this end. Watch out for my next article entitled “Artificial Blindness and Toilet Seat Technology”).
I will even attempt to invent a “pants-mounted” vacuum cleaner (without any special side effects), which might eliminate men from “the liquid exchange element” of toilets and their functions. However, I don’t envisage any device of mine, eliminating “solids exchange” elements of toilet function. What I mean is that men still won’t flush toilet after a dump! So while I might be able to induce some artificial blindness with respect to piss, solids will still be in sight with respect to smell. And unless one was to designate toilet as primary living space within a structure (house, etc.), then any biological abilities to become accustomed to smell of “floaters” would be useless!