Written by Theolonius McTavish

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? -- Or, things you might have said to Eve had she tricked you into eatingrepparttar apple --

Copyright by Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.

There are a few things that you might be tempted to say, if you hadrepparttar 118142 chance, (especially if you’re a fly on a wall inrepparttar 118143 proverbial “Garden of Eden”).

Speaking of flies, here are some choice lines you wish Adam might have told Eve before chomping into that fateful apple on what appears to have been another perfectly twee day in paradise.

-- I don’t do “bobbing for apples”!

-- Let's sharerepparttar 118144 guilt.

-- You know I hate “Little green apples inrepparttar 118145 summertime”, so play something else!

-- Before we get down to business -- when was your last dental check-up?

-- Not now, I’m busy killingrepparttar 118146 bugs, worms, and Trojan Horses in my frigging PC.

-- I can’t imagine why you think I’d want to read your new diet book, "How to Be Happy on 500 Calories or Less a Day – Lessons From A Tart With A Heart".

-- If eating an apple a day keepsrepparttar 118147 doctor away, I wonder if eating a hippo will keeprepparttar 118148 taxman off our backs?

-- Maybe Martha Stewart can send us her favorite applesauce recipe fromrepparttar 118149 slammer.

-- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Johnny Appleseed” doesn’t live here!

-- If an apple doesn’t fall far fromrepparttar 118150 tree, would you mind picking it up because my back’s killing me.

-- My interior decorator says “apples and oranges don’t mix” – so how about a putrid pink grapefruit with a splash of yucky lime?


Written by Rev. James L. Snyder

I had a dreamrepparttar other night. Dream nothing, it was a nightmare, if you must knowrepparttar 118141 truth. Normally I don't put too much stock in dreams — or — nightmares, asrepparttar 118142 case may be, but this was different.

My grandmother believed in dreams. The most important part of her night wererepparttar 118143 dreams that visited her. She usually indulged in several dreams during any given night.

Upon rising inrepparttar 118144 morning, and before her breakfast coffee, grandmother always checked her "dream book" forrepparttar 118145 interpretation of her latest dream.

The dream book was alphabetized, enabling her to look uprepparttar 118146 meaning of her dream. If grandmother had a dream about apples, for instance, she would look up apples in her book and decipherrepparttar 118147 meaning of her recent nocturnal reverie.

In some ways, my grandmother was superstitious. If a dog barked under a window at midnight, someone was going to die, and other equally credulous ramblings. As a youth, I always envied grandmother's dreams. I wish I had her dream book now.

However, back to my dream.

In my dream, I walked into a sportsman's store and I can't seem to rememberrepparttar 118148 name of it. The store was filled with all kinds of sporting goods and I remember looking around for some time.

Eventually, a man approached me and asked if he could help me.

"Can I get me a huntin' license here?" I found myself saying.

"Sure,"repparttar 118149 salesman chirped. "Walk this way, please."

In my best imitation of John Wayne, I sauntered behindrepparttar 118150 salesman to a counter. Aboverepparttar 118151 counter, I remember, a sign read . . . actually, signs don't read . . .repparttar 118152 sign said . . . no, signs do not speak . . . onrepparttar 118153 sign was printedrepparttar 118154 word, LICENSE.

The salesman, now behindrepparttar 118155 counter, opened a large book and began leafing throughrepparttar 118156 pages. Without looking up he queried in monotone, "What will you be hunting for, sir?"

This caught me by surprise. I wasn't exactly prepared for this. I mumbled something torepparttar 118157 effect of, what is in season right now?

"Well,"repparttar 118158 salesman stammered puttingrepparttar 118159 pencil in his mouth in a meditative pose, "the only thing in season right now are politicians. You want a license to hunt politicians?"

This, as you can imagine, gave me pause for thought. I've hunted many things throughrepparttar 118160 years. My left sock, my car keys, a book in my library that I just knew was there, but never in my life have I even hadrepparttar 118161 inclination to hunt for politicians.

But, I'm always game for something new and adventurous and this seemed to fit both. I looked atrepparttar 118162 salesman and said, "Sure, I take a license to hunt politicians."

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